Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Prisoner #7

Atlanta Falcons fans today are trying to wrap their heads around two incredible affronts to humanity. Michael Vick's indictment for a running a dog fighting ring and Joey Harrington being their starting quarterback. Both are unimaginably ugly spectacles best not discussed in mixed company.

Now, I'm no legal expert, but I think the biggest problem Vick will face in avoiding jail time is that he's exhausted any possible "But at least..." defenses. The progression from the first break of this story to today is basically...

"Okay, maybe there were a couple of loose dog fights on his property...but at least he wasn't living there most of the time."

"Okay, maybe he did live there most of the time...but at least it was mainly his cousins and friends running the fights."

"Okay, maybe he was highly involved in every aspect of the fights...but at least this wasn't some well-organized ring or anything."

"Okay, maybe it was a well-organized ring with its own name and company letterhead...but at least the dogs weren't illegally brought across state lines to fight."

"Okay, so maybe Michael Vick personally rented a U-Haul and picked up stray dogs across the country in the middle of the night to fight in his backyard...but at least the dogs were treated like valuable property."

"Okay, so maybe the police found about 30 dead dogs on the property...but at least it's a big piece of property."

"Okay, so maybe this big piece of property contains multiple buildings devoted solely to dog fighting and killing dogs...but at least Michael Vick didn't get his hands dirty."

"Okay, so maybe Vick personally executed dogs that lost fights...but at least he did it quickly and humanely."

"Okay, so maybe Michael Vick threw a dog in his above ground pool with a toaster and a high tension cable...but at least that was an isolated incident."

"Okay, so maybe Michael Vick grabbed a dog by its hind legs, lifted it high over his head and smashed it to the ground head first repeatedly until it was clobbered to death...but at least no probably illegal firearms were involved."

"Okay, so maybe Michael Vick took a pit bull that was too skinny, grabbed a gun, shoved it in a dog's mouth and blew its brains all over the lawn...but at least he didn't make a lot of money by fixing the fights."

Interestingly, doesn't have any news updates on the indictment. You'd think they'd have the inside scoop!

1 comment:

tykejohnson said...

if they're not killing dogs they're fucking pre-teens. poor vicks.