Monday, July 30, 2007

That Certain Part of the Male Anatomy

The dong, I mean. Watch any cable TV after 11pm and you'll likely see an ad for Extenze, which promises to add to "that certain part of the male anatomy." That's what they call it in the spots. Take this pill regularly and you'll have more dong, so sayeth the ad copy. In different words. Those words being, again, "That certain part of the male anatomy." No, not biceps, silly. That's from the spot, too. It's all pretty great.

Okay, listen, I'm going to help you out here. Clue you in a bit. Extenze doesn't work. It's not that I tried it and failed, it's just that if a pill could actually add on to that certain part of the male anatomy, whoever invented it would be worth approximately $4.12 billion. Guys at Costco would be stuffing 800-count double packs into their carts. Newsweek would run its first ever cover that was nothing but a throbbing erection next to a headline asking, "But Does 'It' Work? (The Answer is Yes!)"

A male-dominated state legislature somewhere would vote to have the drug added to the state's water system like fluoride. Eventually, The View would have a on a guest named "Mark L." from Lakeland, Florida. Mark would explain, through flowing tears, that he got started on Extenze and just couldn't stop. It was never enough for him. He wanted more, bigger. Now he has a 22-inch bone and no woman wants to be with him cause he's too much to handle. Also, he can't fit pants that fit. He has to wear track pants everywhere, even his brother's wedding. And the super sad kicker? He's still taking it! He can't quit! He wants to hit 30. Although if he could go into the past, he just wishes he never took that first pill.

Until those specific pieces of evidence start cropping up, I refuse to believe such a pill does anything.

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