Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fig Leaves Are Torture Devices

Touching a fig leaf with bare skin is possibly the worst botanical decision a person can make. Not only are the leaves themselves sandpapery, they also leave this residue on your skin that makes poison ivy seem like a soothing balm. Nothing on Earth can make you itch like a fig leaf. Reach a bare, sweaty arm into the interior of a fig tree for a tough-to-reach fruit and within five minutes you'll be looking for a hacksaw to lop off your arm with.

To reduce prison overcrowding, we should take petty offenders like marijuana holders and make them pick figs instead of serving time. Wait for a 90-degree day, strip them naked and make them pick the figs closest to the stump. They'll never touch drugs again. Except for aloe, which they'll need after furiously tearing their skin off.

Incidentally, if you told me two months ago this blog would be primarily about figs, perhaps I wouldn't have bothered.

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