Nick at the office - who's gay - did something super gay recently. It was so gay, in fact, that I proclaimed it to be the gayest thing ever. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to come up with something gayer and failed. Failed miserably.
But then I got to thinking. What this country needs right now is an official Gay Scale. Something to scientifically quantify all of the gayness swirling around us and put it order. This project, which I've secured a government research grant for, has many benefits to our society. Intellectually-challenged frat dudes will be able to stop expressing displeasure with the pat phrase "That's so gay!" when one of their bros does something that falls outside of Greek social norms. Now they'll be able to say, "Dude! That was a total 42 right there, bro. No, seriously!" That's just one plus.
Nick's thing heads up the list. (By the way, making a homoerotic pun out of "Nick's thing" only scores a 2. This list is hardcore.)
Please note, this entire list applies to male gayness. Although some entries would be at home on the Isle of Lesbos, research and creating a lesbian list would require additional federal funding, something which I am ineligible to apply for until 2008.
100 - Going on eBay to buy old Cher albums and then making a bound album of Cher albums for your boyfriend. The ne plus ultra de homo. It hits all of the gay hotpoints. Creativity, fastidiousness, art projects, glitter, hot glue, Cher and resourcefulness. Do this and you are a Level 5 Wizard of gay. +150 gay points.
88 - A twelve-inch chocolate double headed dildo with a rainbow flag painted in the middle. Holy hell. This is nuclear-level gayness. Owning this could get you a 10-year jail sentence in the South.
63 - Using a glory hole. Either end.
62 - Knowing where the best glory hole in your town is.
61 - Knowing there's a glory hole in your town.
50 - Allowing another man to roger you in the anus. Even though it's in the middle of the list, this is really a baseline measure. Once you cross this point, there's no going back, bub. You. Are. Gay.
41 - Knowing what a particular techno song is called.
33 - A pool party at Elton John's place with a vegetarian buffet.
21 - Having a chubby chick as your best friend in the whole wide world.
15 - Drinking alcohol and taking your shirt off.
8 - Skimming through a magazine like Details, then going back a page to look at a shirtless dude again.
7 - Details magazine.
Entries will continue in the future. I am committed to this project for the sake of America.