Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Am-Scray, Sharky Boy!

I have a television at work as part of my job. Since it's hooked up to the FOX satellite, I get Fox Movie Channel and I've taken to watching it during the day.

In the movie I'm watching, I just saw a scuba diving Frank Sinatra pull a knife on a shark. I swear that is true. He did not end up singing to the shark. It is not that kind of movie. Although the soundtrack could be called swinging. Perhaps even groovy.

While underwater, I thought Frank came across one of those wooden naked lady carvings that used to be on pirate ships, but subsequent research showed that it was an actual naked lady. But dead.

Sinatra plays a private dick in this movie. His name is Tony Rome. Possibly because Giacomo Spaghetti was too ethnic. I am guessing that Tony Rome is having a tough time coming to grips with the swinging '60s. He is talking to a man in a turtleneck, even though Tony Rome's own tie is impeccably knotted and pushed all the way up. The man in the turtleneck is clearly gay and just called Tony Rome "sweetie". This is most certainly creating conflict.

In an earlier scene, a large man knocked Tony Rome to the ground. I am willing to bet that after shooting wrapped that day, Sinatra had his goon work that guy over just to remind him who is actually in charge in this world. It did not matter to Frank Sinatra that the man was only acting earlier. He still knocked him to the ground.

Tony Rome's convertible has primer and rust on it. Times must be tough for Tony Rome. Although he just helped a bosomy woman out of a nice pool and took her inside for some questioning. Maybe things are starting to turn around for Tony Rome. The woman is played by Raquel Welch.

The woman Tony Rome was questioning just went upstairs to call somebody. A man who is possibly a crime boss. He is at least tough for sure. The man promised her that he would come right over to deal with this Tony Rome character. Tony Rome maybe thought he was in for a different kind of pounding.

The man is here and he brought the putter he was puttering around with when Raquel Welch called. Tony Rome is about to look worse than his convertible. The man with the putter, Al, has doctor's orders these day to not get mad. However, he still wants to go for a private walk with Tony Rome.

It was more aethestically pleasing when large goons wore slim suits instead of shiny track suits. That is an observation. Al has taken Tony Rome to the practice putting green where Al just was. So it seems that Raquel Welch called Al from the house when he was in the backyard. She used a phone for this, not the window. That is first class, all the way.

Al has instructed Tony Rome to stay away from Raquel Welch, and also the comely, anonymous girl that was in the backyard. Back in the hotel room where Tony Rome was knocked down earlier, a girl is now dead. Her eyes are still open. The killer's reflection can not be seen in her pupils, dispelling a popular myth. The cops have questions. Tony Rome does not have answers.

Tony Rome is now staying on a houseboat. He keeps his ties in the icebox. Tony Rome does not eat food. Tony Rome has gone to a burlesque house. He wants to talk to one of the girls, who is actually an undercover male cop. Tony Rome asks the cop about Waldo Gronsky. He wants to know where Gronsky hangs his hat. The cop warns Tony Rome that Gronsky is a tough character and also Russian. Russians are crazy, this is a known fact.

Wait. It turns out that the dead girl and site of Tony Rome's knocking down was not a hotel. It was a different houseboat. I will start paying closer attention. Tony Rome was threatening a guy with a gun. Then another guy with a gun came in and ordered Tony Rome to "put the heater on the table". Now another man with a gun has come in. Now Tony Rome does not have his gun. Things are looking bad for Tony Rome.

The man Tony Rome was threatening originally is actually on his side. He starts a fight and the other two men with guns run off. Tony Rome is safe. Except now the cops are here. The big, threatened man started a fight with the cops, but it didn't go as well. I just realized this is the same big man that knocked down Tony Rome earlier. He is really big.

Tony Rome has returned to the club owned by the gay man in a turtleneck. He is now wearing a different turtleneck. He is playing pool with another man. That is not a metaphor. The turtleneck man is still refusing to talk to Tony Rome and still calling him effeminate nicknames. Tony Rome thinks this guy killed that dame. The turtleneck man's goon, Seymour, is threatening Tony Rome. While holding a cue ball, Tony Rome punched Seymour. He fell to the ground and that was that.

Tony Rome is now at the horsetrack. He is not afraid of seedy places or people. He is meeting Raquel Welch in a box. A box in the stands. Tony Rome's horse won.

There is a late night craps game at a mortuary. Not with the interns. With men in suits and women in gowns. Tony Rome is there, laying on top of a casket, relaxing. This is either foreshadowing or symbolism. It's something. The craps game is now over.

Back on the houseboat, Tony Rome and Raquel Welch are going to drink some bourbon. They do. Raquel Welch hires Tony Rome to investigate who is threatening her. I believe this is Tony Rome's third client of the film. Hopefully when he collects on these bills, he can get his car repainted. Maybe not, because when Tony Rome challenged Raquel Welch on her connections to Waldo Gronsky, she called him a bastard and most likely elected not to hire him.

Tony Rome is now questioning a man who is painting nudes using a live model. The model needs to go the bathroom, but the artist won't allow her to. She really needs to go. Tony Rome finally gives her permission to go. He is a man of the people.

Tony Rome is now visiting his sister and nephew. He would never have his own kids, but he likes kids. He knows they like presents, like new baseball gloves. Tony Rome remembered that you throw righty. Tony Rome is playing some catch with his nephew, but with an invisible baseball. Tony Rome only gives you one present at a time, you rascal. Tony Rome's own brother is about to take him into the cops about these murders. At least until he's punched in the face. Now there is a car chase.

I can say with absolutely certainty that they don't make them like this any more.

1 comment:

Miles said...

Recaps of old fox movies now? yikes.