Lord knows, Jesus, that I haven't asked you for anything before. So you know this isn't going to turn into a regular thing where I'm bugging you every week asking for a lucky scratch and win ticket or begging you to make sure my car doesn't run out of gas before I get home.
I also know that you work in mysterious ways. Sometimes you let innocent believers die in a hurricane. Sometimes you let crooked preachers become millionaires. Your works are hard to understand and that's been well-documented, so let's not tread old boards.
Furthermore, I know you're not really keen on these quid pro quo agreements. When you were alive in a humanly fashion, people would always ask you to perform various magic tricks and you always refused. People either had to accept you or not. I grok that. It makes sense to me.
But I'm desperate here, Jesus. Yes, I know you're probably sick of that line by now, but I'm so desperate that I can't really think of an original entreaty. So here goes. I need you to tune out all of the other pleas for just a second and make sure you roger this one loud and clear.
Jesus, I need you to make sure the New England Patriots don't win the Super Bowl. You can have them lose this week, you can have them lose in the Super Bowl. I don't want to get bogged down in the details. At this point, I only care about the results.
From what I hear, you're big into American sports and you have a hand in deciding most games. How you pick one team over the other, I really don't know. At this point, I honestly don't care. I don't even care how you make the Patriots lose. If you want to be sneaky about it, have Tom Brady get into a car accident tomorrow and break his leg. If you want to be obvious about it, continually knock Brady's passes out of the sky and into the arms of defenders. It's up to you, Jesus. You're the power broker here and I won't tell you how to do your job.
The Chargers, Packers and Giants are all laden with Christians. They hate playing on Sundays. Tom Brady had a bastard child out of wedlock. I even think the Patriots have some Jews on their team. Koppen, that's Jewish, right? Hochstein is for sure. That sounds like a pawn shop in Jerusalem. And Bill Belichick believes only in his own abilities. He is also an adulterer and because the woman that he stole is named Sharon Shenocca from New Jersey, she is probably Catholic. She most likely married her ex-husband Vincent in a Catholic church. In your house, under a wooden recreation of your crucified body. Bill Belichick proceeded to pee on the holy union you yourself approved.
I need you, Jesus! I'm down on my knees here! (You know I'm not, but whatever) I'm sure right now you're thinking, "Why in Christ should I help this joker?" Well, Jesus, I have as silver tongue as persuasive as Lucifer himself. Most people say you shouldn't talk politics or religion because you can't change a person's mind. But Jesus, trust me, I am so glib that I am constantly talking people out of religion. I personally have driven 15 people away from the church in my day, solely with the power of my words. If you make the Patriots lose, I promise to stop doing this.
But if you don't want to reward me, that's fine. I understand. So how about just punishing Patriots fans instead? These are maybe the most unbearable people in the entire country. When their teams lose, it's the greatest tragedy in American sports history. When their teams win, they're underrated and suffer from a lack of respect. Even though Tom Brady became the first active player to do the coin flip at Super Bowl XL, nobody respects him. Hardly any sportswriters or talking heads ever talk about how good Brady and the Patriots are.
These are terrible people, Jesus, and they need to be smote. They write articles about their team that even Chinese state media censors would reject as too over the top.
Please, Jesus, please. Stick it up their collective asses. Just this one time! I'm begging you, Jesus!
Yours in Christ,