Thursday, January 31, 2008

It's So Hard To Get Into The Military

Mitt Romney is basically an affable fellow. I know this is the case because he is willing to agree with whatever crowd surrounds him at the moment, no matter what they believe in. If he's in Massachussetts, gay marriage isn't so bad. If he's in South Carolina, he hopes gays aren't even allowed to touch each other. Mitt is not one to rock the boat!

At the California Republican debate last night, Mitt, going along with war veteran John McCain remarked, "One of the two great regrets I have in life is I didn't serve in the military."

But alas, it was not to be for poor Mitt. If you, like him, were born in 1947, turned 18 in 1965 and finished college in 1969, it was just so, so hard to get into the military. The armed forces were incredibly selective during the Vietnam War, accepting only those that they drafted, those that signed up and those who committed petty crimes and were given a choice between jail and the service.

Young, strapping Mitt was ready to go! But then the Mormon Church secured him a deferment as a Mormon missionary. He had to go France! Totally unfair! Sure, France colonized Vietnam and maybe created a lot of situations that led to the Vietnam War, but that's hardly being in the shit, man.

France totally sucked for Romney, too. Not only did he not win over a single convert among those wine-chugging atheists, he pined for the jungle. "I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there and in some ways it was frustrating not to feel like I was there as part of the troops that were fighting in Vietnam." It's just so ironic, you know? Here's Mitt in France wishing he could be in Vietnam, and yet every single American troop in Vietnam was wishing they could be in the French countryside. Crazy! So crazy!

Mitt came home in 1969 and his bad luck just didn't stop. Even though Vietnam lasted until 1975, he had such a high draft lottery number that he never got called. And Google Maps hadn't been invented yet, so he couldn't even find a U.S. Army recruitment office so he could go sign up for a hitch!

It's one of his life's great regrets, never serving in the military. Too bad the guy just couldn't catch a break for ten years.

No comments: