Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Man Told Me This

Nick at work was the inspiration for the original gay scale. Yesterday he became the inspiration for my bafflement and confusion.

As he tells it, as a child he had a spine with a 70% curvature. Not scoliosis, the other one. The one nobody has ever heard of. However, being shaped like a question mark didn't hamper his flexibility and as his body began to change in a pubescent way, he discovered he could fellate himself. Maybe that's what turned him gay, who knows? Maybe his own hose was so magnificent that it became the standard for his desires. I really don't know. I've never seen it and I hope to keep that streak alive until I'm dead.

This of course, wasn't enough stimulation for a flowering Nicholas, so he hopped on a nascent AOL and began chatting up guys who wanted to witness a hunchback blowing himself in person. It's too bad Nick didn't grow up in New Orleans, as he could've become a local celebrity on par with Emeril.

Eventually Nick met a guy who he described as a 19-year old piercer. Who would've thought somebody could post a personal of "19yo piercer, non-smoker ISO of curvy WM into autofellation. Must send picture." and get a response. But sure enough.

The affair, I'm sure, was torrid and frightening. In the end, Nick was left with a ding piercing for his troubles and the other guy was left with memories that won't ever be erased.

But while Nick had a skill, it was a niche skill and eventually he decided to have a complete spinal reconstruction to straighten out his body and make him normal. Physically. Mentally, he knew he was an self-blowing show pony with a pierced ding and a huge phone bill from all of that dial up time. And there's not a surgery to correct that. Yet. The Germans are working on one.

So at the tender age of 15, Nick had his spine rebuilt. Bigger. Stronger. He was now straight (again, physically) but couldn't blow himself. Win some, lose some. Also, he had to lose his piercing. He says it's because the OR was a sterile environment. I say it's because the doctor coulldn't stand looking at it.

When I told Nick I was going to post this tale, he wondered why. He didn't think it was that wild. Apparently, if we plumb the depths of his soul, we'll learn even crazier thing. I feel like Dante wondering if I really want to cross this river in front of me.

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