Friday, January 11, 2008

Meet The Spartans Makes Me Suicidal

Look, people like things that I don't like. I get it. I'm relatively fine with it. There's a litany of things that are successful in this country, much to my bafflement. I'd run down the list, but then I'd sound like some twee 130-pound guy who hangs out in independent bookstores and thinks he's the first person to ever read The Jungle. I don't want to be that guy.

BUT! There's always a but. Not only does the success of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer baffle me, it frightens me. It literally makes me fear for the future of this country. It also makes me depressed and suicidal.

There are many reasons for this. First, their movies somehow keep getting worse. Just when it seems like they've finally bottomed out, they come back with a new movie that "skewers" sacred cows like Sanjaya and Deal Or No Deal. It really only is a matter of time before they write a spoof of Epic Movie and cash another large paycheck. The only hope is that when that happens, they fall into a meta vortex of their own creation and are never heard from again.

But the main reason these two make me so blue is because living in Los Angeles and knowing a bunch of Jewish types, it's entirely possible that I could cross paths with these two at some point. Maybe at a barbecue. A Jewbecue. Beef ribs only, please. In an ideal world, I would rail about how awful their movies are and they feel like first drafts and I could write that shit in two days only I have integrity so I don't and they should truly be ashamed of themselves for lowering the culture bar. Totally owned, they would retire from Hollywood, give all of their money to charity and start teaching science to inner city youths.

In reality, of course, they would just say, "Of course they're terrible. We know that. We also know that we've made $9 million each since 1999, so why don't you do us both a favor and suck a dick?"

At this point, I would be ready to fight. However, because I'm firmly in the 50th percentile when it comes to toughness, probability and statistics indicate that one of these guys could seriously hand me my bacon. Maybe I get in one lucky punch on the weaker one, but the alpha of the pair would leave me laying in a heap.

And then where am I? $10 million poorer and much, much sorer than either one of them. Plus, inspired by the fight, they would call Paramount and sell a boxing spoof script for another $1.5 million. It would be called Ring-A-Ding and the trailer would feature Mike Tyson biting somebody's entire head off (crazy!) and Oscar de la Hoya (except his trunks say gay la Hoya) punching Lindsay Lohan so hard she flies 50 feet into the air and bounces off of the arena scoreboard.

This is what I think when I see the trailer for Meet The Spartans, and this is why I get depressed and suicidal.

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