Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My Favorite Week Of The Year Is Here!

Valentine's week! Not because I'm particularly romantic, but because this is the week when the 99 Cents Only store releases their annual Valentine's Day ad. Every year, they list the Good and Bad choices for Valentine's gifts and every year it's a total treat. Why this is ad is not more anticipated than Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is completely beyond me.

The list, shall we?

  • Whipped cream - More specifically, Challenge Non-Dairy Dessert Topping. Put it on strawberries, put it on nipples. Definitely a good gift idea.
  • Vase - Okay, I can dig it. Particularly with the heart-shaped graphic reminding us "Don't forget the flowers". Flowers, however, are not on the 99 cent list.
  • Ladies camisole - Put it on, look nice, take it off, get down. Pretty simple. Actually, this might be extra hot because a 99 cent shirt will be so thin it's practically see through.
  • Aziza cosmetics - These are not tested on animals. They're not tested at all, actually. Assuming your face doesn't have an allergic reaction to remarkably cheap rouge, you'll look real nice.
  • Love cuffs - With less than 99 cents of material in these, they are probably not made of steel. But you can pretend to be bound, I guess.
  • Libbey fluted champagne glass - Probably plastic, but it will still hold champagne. Or Thunderbird.
  • Condoms - Fantasy brand condoms. In case you don't want a baby on November 14th.
  • Tatiana perfume - If you get off on your lady smelling like a prostitute from Kiev, this is a good call. I'm guessing this perfume smells like rubbing alcohol and Lysol, which must be a turn on to somebody out there.
  • Oysters - Chicken of the Sea Smoked Oysters. I know oysters are a fabled aphrodisiac, but let me tell you, if you eat a 99 cent foil bag of vacuum-packed oysters, you won't be going to the boudoir with a bone. You'll be going to the hospital with a nasty case of the sprays.


  • Mucus relief - Maybe romantic if your partner is all stuffed up, but yeah, otherwise bad.
  • Douche - Don't make your lady think her thing is stank. A stalwart, this one is in the bad column every single year.
  • Gas relief pills - It's starting to sound like that whole downtown area is in need of some upkeep.
  • Headache pads - Let your woman know that no excuse can stop the bone tonight!
  • Acne treatment pads - Personally, I could see it being romantic that you still love your partner even if their face is all oily. But I guess it's not as romantic if you tell them it's time to do something about it.
  • Vacuum bags - No idea why. Maybe you don't want to reinforce old stereotypes about the woman's place in the home and get her distracted.
  • Altoids - Not even for the famed oral sex purposes?
  • Anti-wrinkle cream - Basically, the ad is hammering home the fact that Valentine's Day is not the time to tell your loved one their appearance needs some fine tuning.
  • Broom or mop - You could use the mop to clean up any spilled whipped cream, but I guess it's still a bad idea.
  • Pregnancy test stick - Nothing could more quickly alert your woman to the fact that you bought 99-cent condoms.
  • Condoms - Wait. What?

Thank you, 99 Cents Only for ensuring that I have a wonderful and coital Valentine's Day!


Anonymous said...

As a loyal dollar store customer I have to admit that this was hysterical. And eerily true.

tykejohnson said...

gotta get that bone on