The list, shall we?
- Whipped cream - More specifically, Challenge Non-Dairy Dessert Topping. Put it on strawberries, put it on nipples. Definitely a good gift idea.
- Vase - Okay, I can dig it. Particularly with the heart-shaped graphic reminding us "Don't forget the flowers". Flowers, however, are not on the 99 cent list.
- Ladies camisole - Put it on, look nice, take it off, get down. Pretty simple. Actually, this might be extra hot because a 99 cent shirt will be so thin it's practically see through.
- Aziza cosmetics - These are not tested on animals. They're not tested at all, actually. Assuming your face doesn't have an allergic reaction to remarkably cheap rouge, you'll look real nice.
- Love cuffs - With less than 99 cents of material in these, they are probably not made of steel. But you can pretend to be bound, I guess.
- Libbey fluted champagne glass - Probably plastic, but it will still hold champagne. Or Thunderbird.
- Condoms - Fantasy brand condoms. In case you don't want a baby on November 14th.
- Tatiana perfume - If you get off on your lady smelling like a prostitute from Kiev, this is a good call. I'm guessing this perfume smells like rubbing alcohol and Lysol, which must be a turn on to somebody out there.
- Oysters - Chicken of the Sea Smoked Oysters. I know oysters are a fabled aphrodisiac, but let me tell you, if you eat a 99 cent foil bag of vacuum-packed oysters, you won't be going to the boudoir with a bone. You'll be going to the hospital with a nasty case of the sprays.
- Mucus relief - Maybe romantic if your partner is all stuffed up, but yeah, otherwise bad.
- Douche - Don't make your lady think her thing is stank. A stalwart, this one is in the bad column every single year.
- Gas relief pills - It's starting to sound like that whole downtown area is in need of some upkeep.
- Headache pads - Let your woman know that no excuse can stop the bone tonight!
- Acne treatment pads - Personally, I could see it being romantic that you still love your partner even if their face is all oily. But I guess it's not as romantic if you tell them it's time to do something about it.
- Vacuum bags - No idea why. Maybe you don't want to reinforce old stereotypes about the woman's place in the home and get her distracted.
- Altoids - Not even for the famed oral sex purposes?
- Anti-wrinkle cream - Basically, the ad is hammering home the fact that Valentine's Day is not the time to tell your loved one their appearance needs some fine tuning.
- Broom or mop - You could use the mop to clean up any spilled whipped cream, but I guess it's still a bad idea.
- Pregnancy test stick - Nothing could more quickly alert your woman to the fact that you bought 99-cent condoms.
- Condoms - Wait. What?
Thank you, 99 Cents Only for ensuring that I have a wonderful and coital Valentine's Day!