Thursday, February 7, 2008

We'll Miss You, Mitt!

First he changed his mind on abortion and now he's changed his mind on being President! Come on, Mitt! Stand strong!

Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race today during a speech to the Conservative Political Action Committee. The CPAC meeting is the biggest sales day of the year for dealers of sunscreen, pleated khakis and braided leather belts. I mean, that crowd is white. And he couldn't have been pandering any harder if he was addressing a group of tigers and throwing live chickens on to the floor. First, he blamed the high number of children being born out of wedlock on pornography. I'm guessing that as a Mormon, Mitt hasn't seen too much pornography. Otherwise, he would know that the semen in a porno almost never ends up in the cervix. They're not conceiving too many tots in porns, believe me. It's not a lesson.

Then he advocated for a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage. The secretly gay conservatives in the audience mentally winced, but everybody roared their approval.

Then he courageously took a bold stance against Osama bin Laden. Mitt Romney would like to see bin Laden caught and executed. Wow! This is a courageous thing to say in public. Most people love bin Laden!

Then he said he would like to cut taxes. The crowd was most definitely for this After that, Romney, who's universally praised for his business acumen, said we need to make military spending 4% of our GDP. Except...our GDP in 2007 was $13,843,000,000,000. That's $13 trillion. Our military spending is estimated at $650,000,000,000. That's $650 billion, or 4.69% of our GDP. Since Romney probably was not advocating a defense spending cut in front of a crowd that gets a boner from watching missile launches, let's assume he didn't crunch the numbers. That's fine. Most businessmen hate numbers. (By the way, watching videos of missile launches is related to a direct increase in Republican children born out of wedlock.)

Even though Republicans seem to believe in deficit spending, let's assume Romney doesn't. So if he wants to cut taxes but leave military spending as is, he's going to have to make up the difference elsewhere. Hmm. You know what? Let's get rid of the FDA! We can take their $2.3 billion budget and turn that butter into guns. Plus, as a bonus, taking prescription drugs will become a fun mystery! Who knows what could happen to you?!

Finally, Romney explained why he was dropping out of the race. You see, Clinton and Obama would like to pull out of Iraq. A radical and extreme sentiment shared by about 71% of all Americans. But Romney and McCain, on the other hand, are tough guys. And they would like to wipe out terrorism in the world. No more terrorism ever? That's awesome! After that, they will eliminate all crime, including jaywalking. And pornography.

The problem is, if Romney continued his Presidential campaign, that would delay the launch of John McCain's national campaign. That would be bad, because very few Americans have heard of John McCain at this point, even though he's been campaigning constantly for almost a year. All of those people who have voted for McCain in the primaries thus far actually thought they were voting for John McLain of the Die Hard series. Thus, it is very important that Governor McCain start his national campaign immediately. Senator? Senator McCain? Oh. See how important a national campaign is?!

The CPAC crowd groaned in agony like Romney just frenched a man. The silver lining is, based on his fluid stances on everything else, it's entirely possibly Romney will jump back into the race in three weeks. Maybe if he wins a state or two. Maybe he's just like an insecure 18-year old guy who can't believe a girl likes him, so he dumps her to see if she comes crawling back.

Or maybe - just maybe - he was getting drilled and made up a completely bullshit excuse to save face. Maybe. Too bad. I'll really miss Mitt. It's fun being around a guy who's as completely unpredictable like he is. I mean, it's not like you could look at things he said in the past to guess what he would say tomorrow. Guy is awesome like that.

Oh well. At least now he'll have the time to make up for one of the greatest regrets of his life. Not joining the military.

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