Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I Saw These Things Today, Oh Boy

When you're crawling through traffic, you have time to look around. And when you look around, sometimes you see things. Like...say...a semi with a sticker on the side. A sticker of a man wearing a hat that read USA pounding Osama bin Laden from behind.

Now this wasn't Uncle Sam. Or if it was, he shaved his beard first. But there was this guy, anally invading bin Laden, who maybe looked like he was enjoying it but maybe not. Now, having read Charlie Wilson's War, I know that Afghanis use buggering - as the Brits might call it - as a torture and humiliation technique. If you forcibly pound a man in the ass, you assert domination over him. You take away his manhood. If you get forcibly pounded in the ass, you are considered a weak homosexual. Somebody who isn't fit to be a man. I'm sure this demarcation makes perfect based on some 700-year old tribal text.

So, it's possible that the driver of this truck wants any Afghanis stuck in traffic to know that Osama bin Laden is not a man. That the United States has asserted dominance over him by raping him. Metaphorically, of course. In real life, we haven't done a damn thing to him yet.

Then again, it's also possible that the sticker was a political statement. Perhaps this truck driver is intimating that the U.S. and bin Laden are in bed together since we funded the mujahadeen during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. Perhaps, in a roundabout way, he's indicating that we boned the wrong man and now we caught a disease. The disease of...TERRORISM!

Or maybe he's just saying bin Laden is a fag. To accept that, though, you would probably also have to believe that the U.S. is a fag. AND THAT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT! Hopefully this sticker will be brought up in the first Obama/McCain debate. Each candidate's stance on this controversial sticker will indicate a clear direction for our country in 2009 and beyond.

While I was parsing various meanings for the bin Laden art, I pulled ahead and spotted another interesting sticker. One that left absolutely nothing open to interpretation. On the side window of a construction company pickup truck was: SMILE IF YOUR NOT WEARING PANTIES.

The driver had a shaved head and mustache. I couldn't see if he was wearing a "Mustache Rides 5 Cents" t-shirt, but if he wasn't, we can at least assume that he owns one. Now here's a guy who knows what he wants! Women who are not currently wearing underwear.

So ladies, if you don't wear panties and you like to pick up men in traffic, have I got the guy for you! However, I must warn you, he's not much of a grammarian. The sticker should have read ...IF YOU'RE NOT...

But I suppose if you don't wear panties and pick up construction workers in traffic, good grammar isn't one of your chief concerns.

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