Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Let's Say I Had Very Little Self Regard

Well, first off, that is the exact opposite of the case. I have vast, untapped reserves of self regard. But, for the sake of argument, let's say the opposite was true. Or maybe let's say I was battling depression.

Let's say I dropped all pretenses and stopped acting like I love lamb chops seasoned with coriander freshly ground through a food mill. That I didn't know what a potato ricer was. That I didn't know what rosewater chutney tasted like.

Let's say I was prepared to give in to my basest instincts and admit that my two favorite foods in the world were Fritos and Klondike bars. Could I survive exclusively on a diet of those two foods, along with beer to wash it down? Well, let's take a peek at what I'd be ingesting.

A 1-ounce serving of Fritos is about 32 chips, according to the bag. I could eat 32 Fritos in 32 seconds, and that would give me 160 calories of pure power, 90 of those calories coming from fat. I would also get 170 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of protein and 6% or less of any vitamin or mineral I need.

Washing the Fritos down with a bottle of Fat Tire would give me 164 calories. But hey, zero fat.

One Klondike bar has 250 delicious calories, with 150 of those coming from fat. I would also get 55 milligrams of sodium, 3 grams of protein and neglible amount of vitamins.

According to a handy online tool, I need to take in about 2,500 calories per day just to keep the engine humming. So it looks like each day I would need to consume about three bags of Fritos, three Klondike bars and three beers. Perfectly, there are three meals in a day.

Now sure, there would be a few drawbacks, like a rotating array of mouth sores from the salt and sugar overload. Diabetes so bad that my blood flowed like jelly. Which wouldn't matter, because my arteries would be so clogged that my red blood cells would have to start travelling single file. Scurvy would fight rickets for control of my body since I'm not getting any vitamins. Shits with all the consistency of warm bath water and, I assume, eventually cancer so bad that it can be seen without a microscope.

Still, think of how delicious it would be!

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