Monday, March 24, 2008

My Friend Aaron* Is 29

And that's fine. No big deal. Just a number. Just a statistic. He is on match.com and to hear him tell it, he is dating up a storm. That is also fine. He is a single man in a big city and there are lots of available women around who don't mind somebody buying them a decent meal.

But sometimes things can get ridiculous. Like when we were playing golf Saturday and Aaron told me he wanted to get a cart. He didn't want to walk because his junk was all chafed. It was all chafed because on Friday night his date went decently enough and he and this girl dry humped for so long that his boxers gave him friction burns. Dry humped! He is 29! Who dry humps at such an advanced age? What is the point even? "Unh! Unh! Feel my hard tip through my jeans! Isn't it awesome? We'd better not go any further than this, though. What if your parents come home? Yes, I know they live in another state."

I mean, when he went out to dinner, did he order chicken and then just hold the chicken breast in his hand instead of eating it? What two adults finish a date with dry humping and then go home?

The positive side is that my friend Aaron now holds the world record for Oldest Dry Hump. He beat the previous mark by 10 years and 87 days.

* - is his real name

No comments: