Monday, April 28, 2008

If You Hate Restaurants, You'll Love Yelp!

The internet. The great leveler. If professional newspaper critics were Saddam Hussein, the internet is Operation: Iraqi Freedom, bringing democracy to the people. Now, anybody can write a review! And Yelp is dedicated to proving you don't need any training, taste or common sense to write restaurant and business reviews. Did you recently eat somewhere and think it was a good place? Better go to Yelp to make sure everybody else agrees with you!

The sins of Yelpers fall into a few basic branches, but they all grow off of the same tree. The Please Think I'm Smart and Cultured billowing oak. And one acorn dangling off of that tree right now is Tawny C.

WOW! There are a lot of little pizza places in the Los Feliz/Silver Lake/Echo Park area that I have tried and been pretty content with, but this new place seriously leaves them all behind. I have only ordered once and I think the owner or manager was the one who helped me, but regardless of the great great service and super fast delivery, the food was amazing. We ordered the Cinque Formaggio, which for you brain-dead readers out there means 5 cheese. The pizza was EXACTLY like this pizza place in Florence that I used to frequent called Pizza Bianca. The crispy thin crust was warm and crunchy and the cheeses were melted upon arrival, which means it was just out of the oven. I really enjoyed their Fettuccini Alfredo with Chicken also. Who would have thought that a pizza place could have such amazing pastas? Usually the pasta is generic and down right cheap but this place could give up pizza all-together and still bank on their alfredo. It taste fresh, homemade and buttery. It was not too oily and did not separate. There was a hint of rosemary I believe, but that may have been from the chicken. The only bad thing was that I inquired about their "Speciale di Giorno" pizza, which in the menu states is market price. The kid I was talking to had no clue what I was asking for. I had to hang up, push my frustration aside and call back. Thankfully I got the owner the second time. I guess they are too new to have day to day specials?

There you have it. Everything that is bad about Yelp in one post, such as:

1) The assumption that nobody else speaks basic menu foreign language, combined with the inability to resist proving you know what it means. Five cheese? Well, I'll be!

2) A mention that you were in Europe once and the food was just like this. Therefore, ergo, ipso facto, it is good food.

3) Too many adjectives and a desire to show that even though you didn't go to cooking school, you know your stuff. Buttery? The alfredo sauce you had, which is made with milk and butter and cheese was buttery? Interesting, interesting. Okay. I see where you're coming from. Was it also creamy? And it didn't separate into oil and clumps of milk solids? I know that's all I ever ask for from my pasta alfredo. A hint of rosemary? You know...if you're eating a white sauce...and you notice green needles in it, that might be rosemary, sure. Your aping of standard, professional food criticism, in a completely ham-fisted, tone deaf manner is really illuminating, thank you.

4) A desire to show that you eat so much that you're basically ready to work the line. The cheese was melted so it was just out of the oven? Slow down, i'm trying to learn here! So...you're saying this pizza place doesn't pull their pies out of the oven and stick them in the freezer to cool down? They send them straight to the table? Wild!

5) Frustration that some poor counter stiff doesn't even know the menu as well as you do. Being simply unable to deal with a person so unsophisticated for even one second longer, you hang up and take a deep breath, both to compose yourself and separate yourself from common man idiocy. Thankfully, you got the manager the second time and he explained to you they don't have daily specials yet, despite what the menu says. Just...like...the first person you spoke with told you!

And do you know why you got the manager on the second call? Because the kid you hung up on a second ago you recognized your number on the caller ID and told his manager "Oh man, you gotta take this. I'm not talking to this crazy woman again."

Meanwhile, I'm a guy commenting on another person's online comments. I have reached the bottom of social relevancy.

1 comment:

Miles said...

You have got to get out more.