I made a decree in lieu of a New Year's Resolution because I prefer to improve others as opposed to myself. I planted this seed, watered it, made sure it got plenty of sun and gave it a good five months to sprout. However, usage of the word dildo as an insult has not flowered. Rather, it's been choked out by the spreading weed that is the word douchebag. I tried to clip the word douchebag. I dug down deep and pulled up the entire root system. But this word is pervasive and it will not be stopped, no matter how hard I try to relegate to the annals of lexicography.
Douchebag is fertilized mainly by the New York writing establishment, as most horrible things are. That and toddlers wearing AC/DC t-shirts. Much as Baby Boomers in the media field compare everything to either the 1968 Democratic National Convention or Bob Dylan plugging in at the Newport Folk Festival, Gen X writers compare anything that manages to squeeze into their tunnel vision to douchebags. Blog writers do it like exhaling, but even thirtysomethings that have penetrated old media establishments do it. This person is a douchebag, this person is not a douchebag, that move was fairly douchetastic. This is a horrible trend and it must be stopped dead cold in its tracks before it's 2038 and I'm watching Ashton Kutcher in an ad for Fidelity Sachs Investments yelling, "Don't be a douchebag! Use your 401k wisely!"
This ad will not be acceptable to me or my soul. The Millenials, who are already trying to shove Gen-X writers out of the way (sorry, Neal Pollack, you dildo!), have come up with a substitute insult for douchebag, but like almost everything else Millenials do, it is approximately one thousand times worse and more annoying. The word asshat is a burning scourge that could possibly destroy civilized society as we know it. If asshat does indeed replace douchebag as the choice insult of informed people, truly we are Rome and truly our empire will crumble.
Look, I'm willing to meet the rest of the country halfway. We don't have to use dildo as an insult. I'll happily keep it for myself. But to you Jon Stewart, to you Gawker.com, to you Village Voice, to you television writer, I say...stop using the word douchebag. Before it's too late. I am Cassandra on this and I am presenting an opportunity to save yourself if only you'll listen to me.