Friday, June 20, 2008

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Said

Well, it seems like this somehow morphed into sex week on the old Krog Blog, so I'm going to have to put the cherry on the sundae with one last story.

Sometime last summer, I entered a charity card tournament with a $100 buy-in. The wife pointed out that if I got to spend $100, she should get to as well, and that was a point I couldn't disagree with. So after being unceremoniously dumped from the card playing, I stopped at the Hustler Hollywood store, intending to make a $100 purchase to even things out.

You see, kids, sometimes when mommies and daddies have been together for a long time and they have a kid or two, certain activities can become predictable and rote. It can fun to spice up these certain activities with certain twists. Certain battery-powered twists.

While the peep show place and the Hustler store more or less peddle the same wares, one is dank and frightening and one is bright and welcoming. It's like a Gap. A Sex Gap. At one end is a coffee bar where you can enjoy a latte, have a muffin and presumably surf porn on the Wi-Fi. Unlike Starbucks, they probably would not kick you out for that. Once caffeinated, you can walk fifty feet to the adult shop part. Thousands of DVDs, racks of skimpy clothing, rows and rows of tubes of slippery goo and an entire wall hung with all sorts of devices that do all sorts of things in all sorts of erogenous zones. All of this interspersed with people happily shopping and helpful clerks.

One such clerk even helped me with my purchase, advising that my original choice was probably not sturdy enough to last too long. While that was happening, to my immediate right a young woman was discussing various devices with another clerk. Now, it's one thing to be in Sears, notice the person next to looking at sweaters and think, "Boy, she won't look very good when she wears that out to dinner." It's quite another thing to be in the Hustler Hollywood store and think, "She is going to be naked at one point and rubbing that thing all over herself." If I saw her at the bus stop and inquired, "Hey, what's your vibrator style?" I would be in the back of a police cruiser in fifteen minutes. But here, it's possible a polite and informative discussion would've ensued. Society and its random rules, man!

Anyway, big, conspicuous in hand, I headed to the register, having no idea I was mere seconds away from humiliating myself. The clerk rang up my purchase and helpfully asked, "Do you want to try this out first?" And I said...

I said...

" wife isn't here, so..."

And without missing a beat, he replied, "I mean do you want to put batteries in it to make sure it works?"

You can't even try on bikini bottoms at Hot Topic. And here I was thinking there was some back room where couples test out marital aids and just put them back in the box if they weren't satisfactory. It was the finest moment of my life.


Anonymous said...

do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Anonymous said...

Did you happen to notice if the Boogeyman shops at the Hustler Hollywood store for his wife??

Jack Young said...

Isn't Hustler Hollywood great?! Haha, I love working for HH. I see situations like this all the time, and we always say, "Remember, it's only sex..." hahaa.
I'm an ambassador for HH, and right now we're having a huge sale called the Freedom Sale. If you're interested hit me up and I'll send you a coupon worth 15 percent off a pretty good selection of stuff!

Hope I didn't overstep bounds by posting in here, I saw your post and thought you and your wife might be interested!

Jack Young
Official Hustler Hollywood Ambassador