Thursday, August 14, 2008

Chris Hansen IMs His Wife

Years of entrapping predators and asking them, "What are you doing here?" has made Chris Hansen paranoid about who's on the other end of modern technology. Don't ask how, but I ended up with a transcript of an IM chat he had with his wife recently.

LisaHansen101: Hi, sweetie!

DatelineChris: Who is this?

LisaHansen101: It's me. ;)

DatelineChris: How old are you? What is the age of consent in your state of residence?

LisaHansen101: I'm 38 and I have no idea.

DatelineChris: What can I do for you?

LisaHansen101: I have a surprise when you get home!


DatelineChris: Oh yeah? What?

LisaHansen101: Kisses! xoxoxo


DatelineChris: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!

LisaHansen101: Chris, it's me.


DatelineChris: ARE YOU A FUCKIN COP?!?!??!

LisaHansen101: It's Lisa.


DatelineChris: ARE YOU FROM PERVERTED JUSTICE?!?

LisaHansen101: Chris, I'm your wife. We've been married for 12 years.

DatelineChris: Where did we get married? Where was our honeymoon?

LisaHansen101: New Jersey. Aruba.


DatelineChris: Wrong! Cancun! Nice try, but no way I'm coming to your house for sex and getting naked. I think you're underage.

LisaHansen101: It was Aruba, Chris. We went to Cancun for our five year anniversary.

DatelineChris: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!??! I CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE!!!! IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE, IT IS NOT - NOT! - MY INTENT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, ORAL, VAGINAL OR OTHER! I AM IN CLEAR LEGAL STANDING!

LisaHansen101: When are you coming home? Do you need a ride from the airport?

DatelineChris: You're old enough to drive?

LisaHansen101: Of course.

DatelineChris: That makes you legal then. Are you saying you're over the age of consent in your home state?

LisaHansen101: Chris, I am 38. I told you that.

DatelineChris: Who is this?!?

LisaHansen101: Your wife. Lisa. We are married.

DatelineChris: Oh hey, Lis. I'm home Thursday. And I need ass so bad. Wear that black lace thing under your pants when you pick me up and I'll drill you the second we walk in the door. Oh God, I can smell your snap from here.

LisaHansen101 signed off.

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