Monday, September 15, 2008

The Elusive White-Tailed 5-0 Week

What a Sunday, people. Couldn't have gone any better if I had engaged in debauched nakedness...and the night is still young. The kind of Sunday beer swillers everywhere dream about. The elusive white-tailed 5-0 week. Let's tick off my successes, if you don't mind too much.

1) My survival pool pick, the Giants, rolled. It was a little too close for ebullience at one point in the fourth quarter, 20-13, but then they pulled away. Possibly because so many people picked the Giants this week that the football universe would've collapsed if they lost.

Nine people who didn't pick the Giants - or one of the seven other winners Sunday - went down, many on Seattle. That's 24 in two weeks. And if somebody out there went out because their pick was San Diego, put them on a suicide watch after that debacle.

Speaking of debacles, is there a worse announcer out there than Randy Cross? If so, please keep him away from my television at all costs. I don't feel like listing his sundry offenses against intelligence yesterday, but I'll get sidetracked into one. As Denver was lining up to go for two instead of kicking the point after and going to overtime, he said he's never seen an NFL team attempt this. Maybe Tom Osborne at Nebraska in 1984 would do it, but not an NFL team. My first thought was, "God, he's an idiot." My second thought was, "Is he already forgetting a few years ago when Kansas City and Tampa Bay both did this in back to back weeks?" It happened in 2005. Keep in mind, CBS pays this man to talk about football. Later that night, NFL Gameday showed that this was actually the fifth time this has happened. Way to go, Randy! Dan Dierdorf in the morning, Randy Cross in the afternoon and now I know less about football than when the day started.

2) As of this posting, I'm up 73-72 in fantasy with McNabb and DeSean Jackson for me vs. nobody for him on Monday night. Although it's possible that McNabb and Jackson could both score negative points, I like my odds. I even got some dang old touchdowns this week! Three (!)from Boldin, one from Hightower, one from Seattle's defense and one from Chris Perry on my bench, not wanting to miss the action.

***UPDATE*** Yahoo, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that Seattle picking up a Frank Gore fumble, then fumbling the ball themselves and a different defensive player picking it up and running in a touchdown shouldn't count as a defensive touchdown, so they docked me 6 points. I now trail 72-67. I assume they'll fix this later in the week, but now I have to McNabb and Jackson make the point moot (legal term).

3) I rolled in confidence, due in large part to putting 12 points on Tennessee. Max gave them 6, but Ryan and Brian picked Cincy. All hail the genius who things others don't! If Dallas wins tomorrow night, I win the week, go from 2 points behind Ryan and third place to 12 up on Ryan and in first place. If Philly wins, I'll be in second, 4 points back. But considering I was down about 50 at this point last season, I'm calling this a victory. The teams that let me down this week were the Jets, Chiefs, Saints, Seahawks and Vikings. All but the Vikings took down a majority, so no big deal.

4) In the points betting pool, Tennessee, Buffalo and Green Bay all came through for me. I've hit my first four bets of the year and have quickly reached the point of wishing I was using real cash. My 3600 points are good for 2nd, just off the the 4000-point leader. I don't know what the lines will be for Week 3, but Vegas has started calling me to ask which way I'm leaning. Keep your eyes open for a Giants -28 line Tuesday morning out of Harrah's.

5) And, of course, the Steelers won. The offensive line is protecting Ben in a nice change of pace from last year and the defense is flying. James Harrison is going to knock somebody's facemask off one of these days. Going into Philadelphia next week will be interested, but with the way the AFC North looks so far, if we don't win the division, we don't deserve to make the playoffs anyway.

So that was my success today. Excuse me, successes. Totally not even counting the ridiculous chocolate chunk ice cream I whipped up Saturday night for Sunday consumption. Truly, this was a blessed Sunday even though I skipped church for the 936th straight week. But what else did we learn? Besides the fact that my football excellence has me challenging Beef Supreme for the title of coolest American hero?

The Dolphins are atrocious, the Jets aren't much better, the Chiefs are definitely much worse, Larry Johnson is Angelina Jolie and Vince Young is Winona Ryder, Romeo Crennel doesn't understand how to use time outs or replay challenges like I've been pointing out for the three years and the only pass Tavaris Jackson can throw is a three-step, first-read slant. Anything that requires more than one second of thinking from will be incomplete. Five-step drop? No chance. First read covered? Incomplete. Have fun this year, Vikings fans! You got a lot of booing practice in today as I watched that game, and you'll be in championship booing form by December.

Oh, we also learned that it's apparently impossible to clean black paint off of grass, so the very respectful black GU memorial on the fields for Gene Upshaw in week one are now gray, but still visible. The memory of Gene Upshaw is literally slowly fading from the NFL.

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