Thursday, September 4, 2008

WVFL Week 1 Preview

Last Week: Come on

Season: 0-0

Look at all of the zeroes in this post! The season is a freshly-washed chalkboard, full of potential. Which teams will use the available space to solve
Fermi's Paradox and which will simply draw a cock and balls ejaculating a rainbow of unfulfilled potential? We are all dying to find out.

An interesting note on this season, besides our league being more crowded than Kolkata, is that with one less wide receiver in the starting lineup, Yahoo doesn't expect anybody to crack the 100-point barrier in Week 1. WVFL scoring this season is going to look like late '90s NBA action. This year, when Lowcountry averages 70 points a game, it'll be a good thing for a change.


Deathfromabove (0-0) at Lake Balboa Ladybugs (0-0)

Kurt Warner was given the starting job in Arizona, but more impressively, he also gets the nod from DFA in Week 1. And the 37-year old is one of DFA's healthier players starting the season. Peterson and Lewis both face tough run defenses (at least they were in 2007) and although Nate Burleson is Seattle's #1 receiving option right now, he is probably the league's 30th best receiver. Not to be overlooked is the fact that in Thursday night games following a Super Bowl title, Plaxico Burress has...no stats. He's never been in this game before.


Between Donovan McNabb, the possible start of DeSean Jackson at flex and choosing Philadelphia in my survival pool, I am really putting a lot of eggs in my anti-Rams basket. I figure I'm gonna test out my karma early and see what this season has in store for me. Addai and Young also face stout 2007 run defenses and if Perry starts at flex over Jackson, he has something like 75 carries in 3 years. Clearly, Jackson's 5 points against Perry's 4 will decide this game.

Anquan Boldin is in one of my least favorite situations this week. No, not demanding a trade that isn't granted. Having his QB throwing for my opponent. Any touchdowns he catches will be met with that classic fantasy football cheer, "Hoorayno!"

The Pick: You newcomers should just know now, I never pick against myself. Lake Balboa 90 - Deathfromabove 78.


Newbomb Turk (0-0) at The People's Elbow (0-0)

Another thing about our extra-thick league is everybody plays each team once with no repeats. So thankfully we won't be subjected to this misery of this matchup ever again. Two things are interesting about this game: One, the father-son angle. Two: whoever loses has a chance to go 0-13 this season.

Jerry Porter, Derrick Mason and Kevin Jones should barely be on NFL rosters, let alone a fantasy team. Really let alone all of them on the same fantasy team. Ben Roethlisberger and an Earnest Graham touchdown are the Elbow's best chances at cracking the speed limit.

Which is the less impressive Newbomb Turk? TK's roster, or this one? I guess that depends on what you think is funnier, drafting Larry Johnson in the first round or unencumbered farts. Tony Romo will torch the Cleveland secondary for sure, but he will probably be the only Turk to post double digits. In farts!

The Pick: Realize this. With this game, we all lose. Newbomb Turk 61 - The People's Elbow 49.


Crafton Tough Kids (0-0) at Brookline Bucs (0-0)

The two Pittsburgh neighborhoods with an excess of white people with buzzcuts, gold chains and giant t-shirts that reach mid-thigh, Crafton and Brookline square off in Week 1 for lower middle class superiority.

The Super Bowl hangover is leaving Brookline with ice packs over their eyes and a bag of frozen peas on their nuts. The season hasn't even started yet and the Bucs have already made four roster moves and slammed their entire backfield in the media. Ahmad Bradshaw was dropped for Antonio Bryant, who was later dropped for Ronald Curry. Chris Brown was mysteriously picked up after not being good enough for the Ladybugs, then put on IR by Houston and replaced by...Ahmad Bradshaw. Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards are both hurt and 5th round pick Rudi Johnson was cut by the Bengals. Even worse, he was picked up by the Lions. Just like you should never change your uniforms after a title, you shouldn't change your team name either.

Crafton could move to 1-0 all-time in the WVFL with a win, so you know they're talking this one seriously. But 3rd round pick Carson Palmer has a broken schnozz, his best receiver is hurt, his second best receiver is also hurt and changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, his third best receiver is suspended for four games, his starting running back has 75 career carries and he has a new left tackle after long time Bengal Willie Anderson was cut. God, the Bengals.

Still, Fitzgerald, Barber, Miller and Cotchery all have good matchups for points and if a Hines Ward touchdown is what sinks Brookline this week, won't that be a rooting paradox for Skip Henry? Hoorayno, indeed.

The Pick: Crafton stays undefeated in the WVFL. Crafton Tough Kids 88 - Brookline Bucs 80.


Purple Swirls (0-0) at LetsGoPens (0-0)

Won't things be tense in the 400lb offices the morning after this bloody grudge match? Well, no actually, because after no-showing the draft, Clint offered to sell all of his players at current weak dollar rates. He's the first person to ever throw in the towel after the second week of preseason.

Terrell Owens and Calvin Johnson should light it up this week, Owens more so, but that's about where it will end for the Pens. Is Ronnie Brown even playing? He is if you count the Pens, I guess. Though who would you even pine him for? Javon Walker? Kenny Watson? Isaac Bruce? Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuch.


This feels like one of those weeks where Brian Westbrook has 110 yards rushing, another 40 receiving and 2 touchdowns for 27 points. It also feels like one of those weeks where Brian Westbrook will be responsible for 33.3% of the Swirl offense. Witten should get 10 points or so and maybe Ray Rice will surprise against a bad Bengal defense, but other than that it's looking gnarly. Bad gnarly.

The Pick: Only one of these teams cares, so it's nice that they'll win. Purple Swirls 79 - LetsGoPens 61.


Iron City Pounders (0-0) at St. A's Crusaders (0-0)

In the already-famed WVFL 2008 Season Preview, I picked the Pounders to miss the playoffs. But I might be ready to revise that. I think this is the year the Bear defense finally cracks under the pressure of having to keep every opponent under six points, so Manning will be good even with his injury, Saturday's and Lilja's. I'll also go so far as to guar-ONNN-tee Santonio catches a touchdown against Houston and you have to like the Indy defense facing Kyle Orton's jowls. Also, it's interesting to have both starting running backs in a terrible game, that being Turner and Smith in the sure to be locally blacked out Detroit-Atlanta tilt.

As for St. A's, they have a sneaky decent backfield in Grant and Jones, who are already trading notes on the merits of staring at Brett Favre's ass for 16 Sundays a year. Brees should light it up this week (hopefully to Colston, Shockey and nobody else) and the Patriot defense (too good for John Lynch since 2008!) has an even better matchup in facing Brodie Croyle. This should be the highest-scoring matchup of the week.

The Pick: The Pounders prove me wrong about their team, prove me right about the inherent shittiness of Iron City beer. Iron City Pounders 85 - St. A's Crusaders 82.


Stringfellow Hawks (0-0) at Atlas Shruggz (0-0)

Lemme tell you what's not fun. Drafting Tom Brady 4th overall and then hearing whispers that he might miss four weeks with a bad foot. That is not fun. Let me tell you what else is not fun. Having to start an injured Willis McGahee at RB2 because your other option is to move Willie Parker to RB2 and then start Devin Hester or James Hardy at flex. Even with McGahee missing the first game, Stringfellow won't lose much in comparison.

Assuming Brett Favre knows more than three plays in the Jets offense (which is actually questionable), he should light up a bad Miami team. But Bernard Berrian? All I can say is wow. And ouch.

When is Yahoo going to change his name to Chad Ocho Cinco? And what will the back of his jersey read this Sunday? And why is he doing pushups with a torn labrum when everybody says that injury should have him out for months? The circus has just begun. I actually hate Maroney this year and getting 30% of the carries against a good Charger defense won't do much for Jon Stewart. And Tom Brady is distracted by accusations that he's actually the father of Sarah Palin's 17-year old daughter's baby. Hey, how's our abstinence-only sex ed policy working out? Ah, whatever. Good thing for Atlas that they play their friend this week. Their friend who is more terrible than they.

The Pick: Ownership society? Tom Brady, you're on your own! Atlas Shruggz 68 - Stringfellow Hawks 57.


Vanduhlay Industries (0-0) at Lowcountry All Stars (0-0)

All of a sudden, every fantasy expert really loves Jay Cutler this season because...he has diabetes? Oh, because he always had diabetes, but now he knows it. Don't they make you get a physical every year starting with pee wee football? Nobody ever drew blood and threw it in a centrifuge for 10 minutes? Anyway, those experts might not like him as much after he faces a decent Raider secondary this week. Yahoo seems to really like Brandon Jacobs, pegging him for 16 points this week. That's either 100 yards and a TD or 40 yards and 2 TDs. Or...9 yards, 3 TDs and a fumble. I promise you, none of those three scenarios will come to pass.


Jeff Webster loves his team, which is out of character for him. He usually struggles to find self confidence like Reggie Bush struggling to get more than 3 yards a carry. The Seattle defense is actually quite good and Marshawn Lynch is down two of his starting linemen, so already the Lowcountry boys are searching for points. Reggie Wayne will help, sure. But not enough.

These two teams are identical. Middle of the pack QB, one star WR, one decent one, one stud RB, one decent one, a neat tight end and in desperate need of luck at the flex. I'll say this. If the All-Stars keep Lee Evans on the bench, he'll have 120 yards and 2 scores. If they start Evans, he'll have 11 yards. That's how Lee Evans works.

The Pick: Vanduhlay Industries 58 - Lowcountry All Stars 57.

1 comment:

tykejohnson said...

oh man, this is going to be my new favorite weekly column. thank u fine sir.