Monday, September 8, 2008

WVFL Week 1 Review

Well, you can't say this first week didn't lack action. It did lack accurate WVFL picks, but not action.

DeathFromAbove 83 - Lake Balboa Ladybugs 75

I had a whole rant prepared for this. All about how at least five times last year, my quarterback was my only player to post a touchdown. And all about how Frank Gore and Jerricho Cotchery, who I had last year, scored touchdowns this week. And all about how the Colts didn't lose a September game for five years until I drafted Addai. And all about how Drew Brees threw TD passes to Bush, Henderson and Patten, but neither of the two Saints I own. Basically, all about how I am the all-time hexmaster, destined to never win fantasy football, so I might as well find comedy where I am currently finding misery. And then Selvin Young sat out basically the entire game only to add a meaningless touchdown late. And believe me, when that happened, I found comedy.

For DFA, Nate Burleson managed to squeeze in a touchdown catch before injuring his knee and missing the rest of the season. Peterson added a late touchdown for the Vikings, and two touchdowns is always more than enough to knock me off. Dallas Clark got hurt as well, but with the Tennessee defense posting 17 points against what was supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, DFA is an unlucky team, but not the unluckiest team.

The People's Elbow 86 - Newbomb Turk 81

Naturally, the game I lampooned as a disgrace to football ended up being one of the best this week. Nate found a way to win without The Bullet Train, and that way is to get 20 points from Frank Gore. Something that, I can assure you, did not happen in 2007. Michael Jenkins got a 3-point bonus for catching Matt Ryan's first career TD pass, and a week that looked ominous when C00ley got shut out turned around nicely for the elbow.

Tough break for Newbomb, who fell into one of my least favorite situations in fantasy sports. Enough points to beat five of the league's teams, but not the one he happened to be facing. So, revising my preview pick, Newbomb will go 0-13 this season, not the Elbow. I still like that prediction, who cares what team it's about? Larry Johnson looked atrocious and Edgerrin James goal line carries are a thing of past. Something to tell our grandkids about one day. In a fit after the loss, Sarah Palin fired Alge Crumpler and his 0 points.

Crafton Tough Kids 82 - Brookline Bucs 60

In another fantasy league, Larry has Tom Brady. Sorry, had Tom Brady. So he'll be paying a lot more attention to the WVFL, and he'll like what he sees. Despite a stinkpot from America's favorite mediocre quarterback (AFMQ), Carson Palmer, the Tough Kids went into Brookline and bricked somebody's windshield in a Raya's Pizza parking lot. Crafton had six touchdowns, plus two more on their bench that they didn't even need. I couldn't be more envious if I was a Japanese guy in an NFL shower.

The Bucs just puked in the bucket somebody left next to the bed following the Super Bowl party. Ahmad Bradshaw didn't get a single carry before getting cut by Skip Henry for a second time in 2008, but he only finished 1 point behind fellow back Fred Taylor. Braylon Edwards had two drops and one point and Randy Moss' stock dropped so fast this week that he just filed to officially change his name to Randy Mac. I'm gonna sell that joke to Jay Leno and use the $50 to buy beer for the games this week.

Purple Swirls 74 - LetsGoPens 54

Todd Heap scored -2 this week, which is so hard for a tight end to do that Clint is actually proud of him. If you would like to try that yourself sometime, what you have to do is catch one ball for five yards and then fumble it. Owens and Calvin Johnson did break out as I predicted, but the rest of the lineup was terrible, as I also predicted. Even if Clint was allowed to play his entire franchise, he only would've posted 55 points.

Caulen is 1-0 as usual and he is so confident in his team that he didn't bother benching Reggie Brown even though word that Brown was out this week came awfully early. Westbrook and Johnson combined to provide 52% of the offense this week, covering up some dud weeks from other players. Caulen is so good in the WVFL that he can even manage the schedule properly. He had the fewest points of any winning team and would've picked up an L against all but three teams. But that's what winners do. They win. Losers point out other teams' touchdowns and bitch about how unfair everything is.

St. A's Crusaders 84 - Iron City Pounders 82

St. A's opened up 2007 with six straight losses, so no doubt they are just polishing off a two-foot victory cigar this morning. Despite the jeers of five WVFL voters, the Crusaders got 50 points from Brees, Thomas Jones and New England and let the other six players combine for the remaining 34 in a positively Republican scoring system. Since the Crusaders are focusing on that nice, clean 1-0, we won't point out that their three receivers combined for 16 points. Why worry them?

Since joining the league, the Pounders have watched me say they'll miss the playoffs in the season preview, then say they were looking great in the weekly preview, where I also guaranteed Santonio would catch a touchdown. In fairness to me, the Steelers only had five touchdowns this week, so it would've been tough for Santonio to squeeze one in. Anyway, the Pounders are probably starting to tune me out like I'm Mike Greenburg. Strong words, since I would rather get a brain tumor, have open head surgery to remove the tumor and then have to eat the tumor than listen to Mike Greenberg's opinion about anything ever.

Although the Pounders are certainly disappointed to lose by a scant two points, only Michael Turner's preposterous 38-point effort (assisted by Matt Millen) kept them in this game.

Stringfellow Hawks 86 - Atlas Shruggz 43

As much as I complain about my luck, imagine if I came into a new league, got Tom Brady with the fourth pick, then watched him blow out his knee as I posted what was possibly the league's lowest-ever score. Losing Brady for the season cast a pall over the entire roster and out of respect for their fallen teammate, nobody scored over nine points.

Stringfellow might be upset that The Bullet Train no longer scores touchdowns since he doesn't play for Nate, and he could be upset that Willis McGahee was in his starting lineup but not Baltimore's, but Willie Parker's massive three touchdown day takes the sting off of all disappointments. Parker and Favre alone would've beaten Atlas Shruggz, but don't expect Atlas to go looking for a handout at the WVFL offices! They're gonna pull themselves up by their bootstraps while congratulating Stringfellow on their excellence!

Lowcountry All-Stars 103 - Vanduhlay Industries 96

And...of course the game I tab as the lowest-scoring affair of the week explodes like Peter North. Vanduhlay had the second most points in the league this week...and the second most points in this game. Ugh. Cutler gave it his all Monday night, but it just wasn't to be for the latex peddlers. Who ever would've thought that Matt Forte would make Steven Jackson look like the flex option? If Dwayne Bowe doesn't drop a pass that hit him square in the hands with :30 left, maybe the Chiefs beat the Pats and maybe VI beats the All-Stars.

Quite a turnaround for Jeff Webster, Mr. 70 himself. Owen Daniels and Roddy White should be ashamed of themselves for only putting up 3 and 5 in this lineup, and if Lowcountry started Norwood at flex over White, they would've put 113 on the board and really sent notice to the league. When even Lee Evans is putting up 10 points, this team is putting the rest of the league on notice.

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