Lake Balboa Ladybugs 93 - Iron City Pounders 72
At 10:40am PT, Donald Driver caught a 2-yard touchdown pass. At this point, I figured my week was over. At 11:45am PT, Maurice Jones-Drew ran in a 2-yard touchdown. At some point in between, Chris Perry had an 11-yard touchdown run...on my bench. My opponent was scoring on the hour when I struggle to score weekly. I checked Stat Tracker. It was 31-2.
I've continually harped on my lack of touchdowns, but it's so fascinating to me. I feel like a high school chemistry teacher who is always stunned when two clear liquids mix and turn blue, but as much as he discusses it, his students don't care. And then...the liquids didn't mix. Joseph Addai ran in a touchdown. And once he showed that it was okay, that you won't get hurt, the rest of my team started following suit. Joseph Addai was the first person in rehab to tell his story and he made the Ladybugs realize it's okay, man. Of course, Anquan Boldin's 32-point, 3 touchdown performance frightened the group and he has not been invited back next week.
Breaking the ice by taking the first slice of pizza was about the only thing Addai did Sunday, because he sure wasn't running behind that second string Colts line. Their rookie center fill-in makes Sean Mahan look more immoveable than Mike Webster's tombstone. I probably out-thought myself with the Chester Taylor start, but Hightower scored for the second week in a row and that's looking to be a regular thing. Even the Seattle defense scored a touchdown and I went to bed Sunday up 73-72.
Or...did they score? Come Monday, Yahoo! decided that since Seattle recovered a fumble and then fumbled themselves, they were now an offense, so running in their own touchdown was now offensive, not defensive. I was down 72-67. But McNabb and DeSean "Hondo Yardo" Jackson came to the rescue, even if Jackson modestly turned down a touchdown because he's only a rookie. God. Can you imagine if I lost because Yahoo! overruled a defensive touchdown and Jackson took the ball 60.6 yards? I would've stopped writing previews and reviews all together and just bitched about cruel fate twice a week.
Oh! That reminds me. There are two teams in this capsule! Well, I beat the Iron City Pounders. Agh! There's that word again. I. I, I, I. Get over myself, me!
As I predicted, it was a good week to face, Michael Turner, Maurice...(SLAP! NO! SECOND OR THIRD PERSON ONLY FOR THE REST OF THIS REVIEW, SELF!) Mo Jo Dro and Turner struggled against tough defenses, like you expected and even though Peyton Manning won the game late, he couldn't bail out the Pounders. Holmes and Driver were nice, even if Holmes' sensei, Hines Ward, is hogging all the touchdowns. And Kevin Smith is never going to get started if the Lions fall behind 21-0 each week. What that team needs is another receiver. And also coach, GM, owner, quarterback, defense, offensive line and fan base.
The People's Elbow 100 - Brookline Bucs 64
You feel that hot liquid running down your face? That's blood. Blood from the nose that The People's Elbow just bashed in. The consensus - yes, consensus - pick to go 0-13 and drop out of the WVFL in shame is now 2-0 and putting together more fireworks than those guineas at Zambelli Brothers.
Although Scott Henry is no doubt grateful that league voters saved him from his own stupidity, the two points Randy Moss put up this week against a terrible pass defense was not enough to get the win. On the bright side, Aaron Rodgers is apparently very good. So good that his 25 points accounted for 39% of the Brookline offense this week. If only Rodgers was throwing to Moss, Dropson Edwards or Curry, maybe they would've combined for more than five points this week. Not only did Anthony Fasano not score a point this week, he didn't have a catch. Too bad Old Man Kress beat Scooter Skip to the free agent pool to pick up Tony Scheffler. Waiver wire priority would've been cool this week. The man is so desperate, he picked up Isaac Bruce and a two gallon tub of Icy Hot at Costco. Selvin Young would've been nice at W/R.
The classy thing for Nate to do would've been to bench Felix Jones and not rub the former champ's nose in it. But when you fall from the top, Brookline, you fall hard and Jones just helped run it up Monday night. As it was predicted, Michael Jenkins was done catching touchdowns, but Brandon Marshall had enough points for the both of them. Frank Gore and Earnest Graham made for a strong backfield and Chris Cooley's 7 points saved him from having to turn in his playbook this coming Tuesday. For Nate's sake, thank god.
Vanduhlay industries 89 - Newbomb Turk 78
Tony Romo gave it all he could, but in the end nobody could rescue a team from Larry Johnson and Edgerrin James. Somebody might have to rescue Johnson from Old Man Tony, though, if they ever cross paths. TK hasn't been this angry since Nate and Caulen used Dad's Wendell Young autographed puck to play street hockey.
Romo, Chambers and Chicago combined for 55 of Newbomb's 78 points, meaning the other six guys only brought 23 points to the table. Two more than Romo had alone. On the bright side, practice will be fun today with TK trying to trade Johnson and James to a league that's less receptive than Nevadans are to nuclear waste at Yucca Mountain. (Dennis Miller wrote that for me.) While he's burning up those email lines, Larry Johnson will be bitching about other people touching his ball and Roy Williams will be trying to top him. But hey, at least they have jobs. TK brought in Dante Rosario after he caught a touchdown, took one look at his hurt foot and zero catch performance Sunday and straight cut his ass for Brett Favre's new favorite target. Tony don't need this, you know! He has nine other teams to fall back on!
And while Tony is watching NFL short cuts on DirecTV and charting pass targets for his next free agent pick up, Vanduhlay started Andre Johnson, whose game was cancelled this week. Though in fairness to VI, Hurricane Ike barely got any news coverage this weekend. I only saw the missing roof pieces on Reliant Stadium maybe 8 or 9 times. And what's the bigger surprise, Vanduhlay sitting #5 pick Steven Jackson in favor of Justin Fargas, or the fact that sitting Jackson didn't hurt him?
New thing to crush TK that I saved for last. You think Norvelous is upset about Ed Hochuli's blown call? Think about this. Let's say the play is correctly ruled a fumble. That's -2, taking VI down to 87. Cutler doesn't throw that touchdown, 83 points. Or the two point conversion, 81 points. And the 4-yard pass took him up to 350 so if you keep him at 346, that's 80 points. So...TK still loses, but it's so much closer. Close enough to realize that if the Bears don't let Carolina score a late TD, Old Man Tony wins. Think about that, why don't ya?! Oh, this crazy game.
LetsGoPens 104 - Crafton Tough Kids 103
What a matchup going into Monday night. 84-80, Owens vs. Barber. Not 20 minutes of game time have burned off and Owens has 2 TDs and 90 yards. Two late Marion Barber scores weren't enough. The Tough Kids were feeling lower than the day they realized the job you learned at Vo Tech was the job you had for life.
Both teams were completely boom or bust in this one. Brown, Graham and San Diego combined for 9 LGP points, and Palmer, Miller and Cotchery only had 8 for Crafton. Everybody else went buck nasty. 20 for Owens, 24 for Calvin, 20 for McFadden, 21 for Portis.
Speaking of Clinton, heading into the weekend, he called out Sarah Palin. Dr. I Don't Know said she was unqualified, a terrifying combination of untintelligent and certain and said the prospect of her trying to stare down Vladmir Putin scared him. No wait...that was Matt Damon.Portis said that just for a week, he'd love to play for a team that could block with a quarterback that could throw and a coach who knew what he was doing. Inspired by his words against others, Portis went out and had a great day, racking up 21 points.
The Tough Kids didn't exactly roll over just because some punk ass cop told them it was time to go home. Fitzgerald had 19, 23 for Barber, another TD for Hinesmile, 13 from Gostkowski and 18 from the Giants defense. One more yard from Hines Ward and LenDale White each and Crafton wins this game. Ahhh, the vagaries of life.
Special bonus thing to crush Larry that I saved for last. The Pens started Todd Heap even though his game was postponed for six weeks. The Pens could've dropped somebody to pick up a spot start at tight end, but they rode out the storm, so to speak. For instance, the Pens could've dropped Kevin Curtis, their Thursday pick up who is out another seven weeks at least. I could most certainly be accused of paying too much attention to fantasy football, but at what point are you paying too little attention? Not at this point, because the Pens won even with Heap's 0.
Side note: Brookline dropped Kevin Curtis and then when the Pens dropped Isaac Bruce for Curtis, the Bucs picked up Bruce. Can't veto backdoor trades, it seems. Brookline and Lake Balboa will try this same move with Moss and Young tomorrow. Hopefully it goes according to plan.
Purple Swirls 95 - St. A's Crusaders 78
The love affair burned hot, but brief. When Caulen got David Garrard in the 5th round of the draft, he actually let out a yelp of excitement. "YES!!" may have been the exact quote. Two weeks into the season, Garrard has been replaced by a new hot stud named Trent. Caulen : quarterbacks :: Jennifer Aniston : new hot studs.
Garrard donated 8 points in his final effort, Houshmanzadeh gave 2 and Reggie Brown is still out. But the rest of the lineup went crazy go nuts. Really, even being down 20-something points going into Monday night, could Caulen have been that worried with Westbrook and Witten in the stable? Julius Jones contributed 19 points and, without adding any weight to childish smack talk, it will be pointed out that Julius Jones didn't score that much in a month last year.
Starting off 1-0 made the Crusaders nervous after opening 2007 with an 0-6 mark, so they dogged this game out. Santana Moss tried his best to ruin their losing plan with 28 points, but the rest of the lineup went forth onward like good Christian soldiers and submitted themselves to the sword. Ryan Grant only putting 2 points in a 48-point Green Bay rout is a particular example of selflessness.
Speaking of which, driving to work, I occasionally pass a Saturn VUE with a CRUSADER sticker on the back. If that car is ever passed by a flaming chariot, it will not be a good day.
Deathfromabove 109 - Atlas Shruggz 102
I cried about my bad haircut until I met a man who was so ugly that his hairstyle didn't even matter. Or something. The point is, as much as I complain that the fates have it out for me in fantasy football, they are using Atlas Shruggz as a whipping boy to show me their awesome power. The guy comes into the league, watches Tom Brady go down and puts up the fewest point in Week 1. In Week 2, they bootstrap it. 28 points from Rivers, 20 from Jennings, 19 from Stewart, 13 from Anthony Gonzalez. They are rolling. They have 102 points! Fourth most in the WVFL this week! Things are evening out!
Except...Deathfromabove has the most points this week. 109. And that's with a 0 from Devery Henderson. Atlas Shruggz may not want your pity, but you should give it to him anyway. Perhaps with this thoughtful e-card.
Deathfromabove sure is enjoying the Kurt Warner resurgence. As well as the decision to start Warner (26 points) over Hasselbeck (6 points). Adrian Peterson had 18 points without even reaching the end zone and the Tennessee defense put up 17 points for the second week in a row. The downside for DFA is that nobody feels badly for him or is sending him e-cards or hoping he sees good things in his life. In fact, we're all pretty openly rooting against him right now.
Chad Johnson, Laurence Maroney and Vernon Davis, three supposedly big NFL stars, combined for 4 points. If they combined for 12, that still would've been shitty, but at least Atlas would've won.
Lowcountry All Stars 95 - Stringfellow Hawks 66
Matt Jones had 5 points at W/R for Stringfellow, which was five times as much as Marvin Harrison and Bernard Berrian combined for. That, my friends, is a lack of production at wide receiver.
LaDanian Tomlinson isn't hurt. He's faking. He just misses playing for Nate so badly and wants to go back. He figures that scoring only 13 points in his first two games will convince Stringfellow to orchestrate a trade to the Elbow. Sorry, Bullet Train. The Elbow has moved on. You'd just hold them back. Like you're holding back the Stringfellow Hawks right now. Winds up to 35 MPH somehow hampered Willie Parker's running game and the silver lining to Darren Sproles' 24 bench points is that Stringfellow wouldn't have won even with him in the lineup. Even with Green Bay putting up 23 points on defense.
Well, well, well. Lookee here at who is 2-0. Mr. Grind It Out himself, Jefferrey Webster. The All-Star scoring was more top heavy than ('50s - Jayne Mansfield / '60s - Ann Margret / '70s - Morganna / '80s - Dolly Parton / '90s - Big Tits Lucy Henderson / '00s - Scarlett Johansson) this week. 22 from Eli, 15 from Wayne, 13 from Holt on a circus touchdown, 11 from Lynch and 14 from Bush. I guess Reggie Bush is good again all of a sudden. Roddy White still hasn't done anything this season and it still hasn't mattered.
The All Stars are another team that ran up the score Monday night with a win safely in pocket. Ask recent convert to Hinduism Tom Brady. Karma comes around.