Brookline Bucs 91 - Lake Balboa Ladybugs 53
Some of you out there think I'm exaggerating about my fantasy football hex. You think I'm just a garden variety bad GM who knows a lot of synonyms and has a bully pulpit. You think anybody could have their first three draft picks hurt at the same time. And that's cool as freon, doc. I may not respect what you say, but I'll let somebody else put their life on the line for your right to say it.
But consider this. I put in a waiver claim for LenDale White, but Brookline ended up getting him. White had 150 yards and 3 TDs, including one 80-yard TD run. Let me repeat that. LenDale White, who weighs 285 pounds, had an 80-yard TD run against me. White ended up with 32 points, a 64-point swing in this game.
I also wanted Mewelde Moore. St. A's got him first. Moore had 31 points. Instead of the 5 I got from Sproles and Faulk, I could've had 62 points. I could've had 110 points with no defense and 0 points from the receiving corps. Instead, I had 4 roster spots with zeroes and another loss.
Brookline should've had 41, but they got LenDale White first. And in another twist you'll never believe, Randy Moss had his best game of the year.
I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen. Every Ladybug will be healthy in time for me to win 3 straight and finish the year 5-8. I know the season is over, now I'm just waiting to see what else can go wrong for comedic purposes.
The People's Elbow 80 - Lowcountry All Stars 69
Still skeptical about my mighty powers? Fine. What if I told you that I don't even need to own a player for them to get hurt? What if I only had to think about making them a Ladybug? Earlier this week, I offered Webster any receiver he wanted plus a little more for Reggie Bush. A few days later, Bush hurts his knee and will miss 3-4 weeks. Stop doubting my hex powers or I will try to trade for your player next!
I also asked about Frank Gore, who had his worst game of the season with only 6 points. Derrick Mason exploded with 13 points, a full 1/3rd of his year to date total. I would not have guessed that Reggie Wayne would only score 2 points against a banged up Green Bay secondary, but all those replays of Charles Woodson shoving Wayne off his routes must mean that it's true.
A hot air balloon explosion couldn't stop Evans and Lynch, who put up 29 points for the All Stars, but a benching could stop Sammy Morris' 19 points from helping the All Stars win. Speaking of Sammy Morris, it's nice to know that Tony Kornheiser thinks Matt Cassel is great after watching 185 yards of screen passes and 6 sacks. It's also good to know the Patriots are still a Super Bowl team and Bill Belichick is still a genius after they beat Kansas City, the Jets, the Niners and the worst defense in the league, Denver. Denver couldn't stop the run with a Gatling gun. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Is there anything more tiresome than the Monday Night crew needing to find topics of conversation in a blowout? The answer is yes, listening to me complain about my team.
Newbomb Turk 83 - Atlas Shruggz 57
Newbomb will be 5-2 after this win despite being the 7th-highest scoring team in the league. Looking at this lineup, their low scores are believable, their record is not. But a straight silly 22 points from your defense can go a long way. In fact, that Chicago defense is so good that it's keeping Newbomb's opponents off the board each week. During this 5-game winning streak, Newbomb has "allowed" 69, 62, 60, 67 and 57 points. Hilariously, I would be 2-2-1 against those same scores in the last 5 weeks.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is Newbomb's capsule, not my third consecutive one. Ahem. The highly-mocked Frerotte to Berrian combo teamed up for 29 points against the aforementioned Chicago defense. The race on the lake featured 89 NFL points and 51 WVFL points for Newbomb.
For the Shruggz, a long season is getting longer. Chad Johnson finally got into the end zone and it didn't come close to mattering for either Cincinnati or Atlas. Somehow Washington held the Browns to 11 points, but only nothched 5 fantasy marks. Weird.
St. A's Crusaders 122 - LetsGoPens 100
The Wrangler Jeans 5 Star Barnburner of the Week left Clint wishing he played one of the 10 WVFL teams that didn't score 100 points. Calvin Johnson won the efficiency award this week, putting up 27 points on only 2 catches. A single 96-yard catch will do that for a guy. Ronnie Brown and Terrell Owens combined for only 5 points, the obvious soft spot for the Pens. But I'm Owens will bounce back next Sunday with the quiet, hardworking effort we've all come to know and love.
The Crusaders put up the highest score of the season despite Brees' worst game. That is what you call coming together. Ryan Grant had his first 100-yard day and his first touchdown, apparently inspired by four weeks of being called a bust by Crusader management. Oh! And Mewelde Moore had 3 touchdowns in a 31-point effort. Almost forgot. Great free agent pickup by St. A's right there.
Jesus. I'm more bitter than the guy in Flash of Genius who had the intermittent wiper stolen by GM.
Crafton Tough Kids 107 - Stringfellow Hawks 75
Crafton had such a good week that Delhomme had 15 points and Ahman Green had 12 points on the bench and not playing either one was actually the right decision. President Obama will be taxing this team heavily in FY 2009. Maybe he'll start a government program for Miller, Davis and Prater, who combined for a pitiful 10 points. Hines Ward's 2-point bonus for breaking Keith Rivers' jaw was just the icing on the cake for Crafton, with Larry offering to pick up Ward's inevitable $15,000 fine for "Playing tough football."
Marvin Harrison's single point means that Wayne and Harrison combined for 3 points this week. It also means that Vernon Davis doesn't feel so bad about his 0. It also means that Stringfellow lost. If the draft was held today, not only would Stringfellow not take Tomlinson #1 overall, he might be able to get him on 2nd/3rd round wraparound. Williams, McGahee, Longwell and Green Bay combined for 61 of Stringfellow's 75 points. Even Joe the plumber wants them to spread the wealth around.
Deathfromabove 98 - Purple Swirls 82
When is Brian Westbrook coming back again? This week? Great, because the Swirls really, really, really miss him. I know, 9 total points from Julius Jones and Ray Rice sounds pretty good, but you just can't recreate that special Westbrooky feeling, even with two guys. Chris Johnson's 22 points actually feels a bit low considering that he played Kansas City. If this was the Olympics, he would've lost points for degree of difficulty.
Adrian Peterson's 24 points is why DFA was so excited to draft him. Owen Daniels' 18 points is why DFA was so excited to pick him up a month ago. While we're on the subject, on that touchdown, Daniels was closer to the Lions on the sidelines than the ones playing defense. I guess in practice Detroit never sees a tight end slip into a route near the goal line. Actually, can anybody even name the Lions' tight end. I know just about every player in the league and I couldn't even guess.
Okay, I just looked it up. Michael Gaines. He has 7 catches for 61 yards.
Vanduhlay industries 104 - Iron City Pounders 61
Vanduhlay returned from their mysterious three-week vacation tanned and ready to win the league. And they brought Steven Jackson back with them, as he put up 3 TDs in a 35-point effort. And Brandon Jacobs was feeling all good about his 18-point game, too. Maybe Cutler's broken finger will slow VI down, but if they've shown us anything this year, it's that they can still win when starting guys who are out with injuries.
Peyton's 7 means that the three primaries of the Colts' passing game combined for 10 points. Of course, the Pounder passing game only combined for 20 with Manning, Driver, Holmes and Coles, so it isn't all Peyton's fault. The youngest backfield in the WVFL, Kevin Smith and Steve Slaton, actually had good days, combining for 26 points. Unfortunately, they needed to combine for 76 points in order for the Pounders to pull this one out.