Last Week: 5-2
That might be my best week of pickins ever. At least something is going right this season.
Lake Balboa Ladybugs (2-5) at LetsGoPens (2-5)
The Bizarro Super Bowl. In the world where this game will be played, interceptions are +6 for the quarterback and hamburgers eat people. Jerricho Cotchery officially became a Ladybug last week against Oakland. How? He had 0 points and got injured. My roster right now is less attractive than a leprous cock. If Cotchery sits, in comes Anquan Boldin, who has 8 metal plates in his face and had his jaw wired shut recently. I'm sure he's ready to go over the middle on a Warner floater.
I'm catching Owens and Calvin Johnson at the perfect time, but Clinton Portis at the worst possible time. Ronnie Brown won't go crazy against the Bills, but at least he doesn't have any metal plates in his face.
The Pick: LetsGoPens 81 - Lake Balboa Ladybugs 6
The People's Elbow (5-2) at Stringfellow Hawks (3-4)
Nate is 5-2 and Tomlinson has been struggling all year with his toe. Easy to see who hit the gym and found a new man and who's been drinking himself into a stupor after the divorce. Naaaaaaaate! Come back! I need you! But Nate doesn't need The Buller Train, he's got a new man in San Francisco. His name is Frank and he plays football.
The Two Derricks would be a good sitcom on LOGO, but it's not a good fantasy combination. Don't expect much from Ward and Mason. But Frank is big and strong and Seattle is small and weak.
Brett Favre has proven two things in 2008. One, he's a dildo. Two, he can keep both teams in any game. But Kansas City is so far beyond inept that Favre should put up points even with his top two receivers out. But what will The Bullet Train do? Will he focus his rage into a beating? Or will he be too distracted by Nate's glowing presence in the owner's box? I say...somewhere in between. 11 points.
The Pick: Stringfellow Hawks 85 - The People's Elbow 75
Newbomb Turk (5-2) at Lowcountry All Stars (4-3)
The fakest 5-2 team the world has ever known goes up against a powerhouse missing its scoring dynamo. I don't think Ricky Williams is going to be returning too many punts for touchdowns. Actually, he won't be returning too many punts. Webster is oily enough to not have problems rooting for Eli against the Steelers, but no amount of rooting will help Wayne and Clark against Tennessee. I'm referring to, of course, Wayne Davidson and Clark Bennett. Big Colts fans who are looking at an impending loss Monday night.
As for Newbomb, Larry Johnson is suspended, he needs a tight end, he doesn't want to drop Chicago, Berrian or Pittman and Jamaal Charles will be getting handoffs from Tyler Thigpen against a tough Jets defense. He is actually making my situation last week look pretty good.
The Pick: Lowcountry All Stars 90 - Newbomb Turk 31
Brookline Bucs (3-4) at Atlas Shruggz (1-6)
Jason Campbell is really getting around the league this year. Yahoo! is only expecting 9 points out of LenDale White this week. I guess he used it all up last week, but it's not like the Indy run defense is any good. Look at this team. I can't stand even thinking about this team any more.
Things are actually looking pretty good for Atlas. Assuming the 91.44 meter long field doesn't throw his timing off, Philip Rivers should light up a bad Saints secondary, Houston is giving up so many points each week that even Chad Johnson should score.
The Pick: Atlas Shruggz 88 - Brookline Bucs 79
St. A's Crusaders (4-3) at Vanduhlay industries (5-2)
Somebody's winning streak is about to come to an end. Somebody besides Newbomb, I mean. Somebody in this game, I mean. Jay Cutler is on a bye for Vanduhlay, and given their recent history, there's no reason to expect anybody will be taking the QB reins for him Sunday. Andre Johnson against Cincinnati is some kind of mismatch and Dwayne Bowe would be a good match against the Jets if Tyler Thigpen wasn't being backed up by Len Dawson. I really hope Steven Jackson runs over Teddy Bruschi at some point.
In theory, Houston is a bad defense, but I'm not sure I would count on Cedric Benson to do anything but disappoint. Baltimore might put up 20 against Oakland, but Santana Moss will either have 2 touchdowns or 2 points. He's that kind of player.
I can't believe I want to pick a team with no quarterback. But I do!
The Pick: Vanduhlay industries 85 - St. A's Crusaders 79
Deathfromabove (4-3) at Crafton Tough Kids (4-3)
Matt Schaub looks great against the Bungles, but it all goes downhill from there. Hines Ward will be killed by a Ravens sniper before kickoff, Carolina has stopped receivers all year, Marion Barber will struggle against Tampa and Rhodes might not get 10 yards on Tennessee. But man, that Schaub game sure should be nice.
Kurt Warner will have at least two fumbles this week. The Carolina front four is not what this literal gray beard needs right now. Correll Buckhalter is returning to Westbrook's shadow this week, but Holmes could get deep on the Giants.
You know what? This is another crap game. Everything is crap. I hate fantasy football. One of these teams will be 5-3 by Monday night and whichever team it is can go straight to hell.
The Pick: Deathfromabove 71 - Crafton Tough Kids 70
Iron City Pounders (3-4) at Purple Swirls (4-3)
With my team effectively done, I can start rooting against Caulen, as our rivalry dictates. Sure, in our rivalry he is the Steelers and I am the Browns, but to Browns fans, it's all they have. Boo, Caulen! Anyway, when Rich Eisen is openly calling your QB J.T. O'Smellingsalts on NFL Gameday, maybe it's time to look elsewhere. Pick up Jason Campbell next week or something.
Steve Smith and Chris Johnson should both have long touchdowns this week, and Houshmagoneasafreeagentthissummer should have a red zone TD. Brian Westbrook against Atlanta is tastier than a pulled pork sandwich washed down with a beer. Hoo wee!
Peyton Manning might get hurt again this week. That would maybe officially end his career as a top tier fantasy QB, if that hasn't ended already. Jamal Lewis is slower than all 11 guys on the Jacksonville defense, including the nose tackle. With Coles and Cotchery maybe out, Chansi Stuckey against the Chiefs might be the clever play of the year.
The Pick: Purple Swirls 102 - Iron City Pounders 71