People have been asking, so yes, I did pick up Greg Warren as the Ladybug long snapper this week. Sorry to screw up the Steelers, everybody.
Lake Balboa Ladybugs 87 - LetsGoPens 69
After a bad break up with my fantasy team last week, I was cleaning out my memento dresser and found the cutest picture of us at the Hurricane Harbor water park. All the memories of all the good times came flooding back. Sure, my fantasy team has let me down repeatedly this year with injuries and poor performances. But it has such great tits. How can I resist?
I got yanked back into hopefulness by the expert pick up and start of Leon Washington, who ripped through the Chiefs for 21 points. Even Kevin Faulk had 16, meaning Faulk/Washington was one of the best backfields this week. I'm as surprised as you are. Luckily, the Sunday morning decision to leave Boldin's 21 points on the bench didn't backfire.
Somehow Ronnie Brown only had 4 points in a Miami win. Terrell Owens' 3 points are a little easier to explain, as he hasn't gone over 100 yards in 11 straight games. David Garrard outscored his real life team 24-17, and the fact that Clinton Portis didn't get a TD against the Lions is one of the upsets of the season. Bad luck week for the Pens all around, including Zherdev netting the tying goal with 8 seconds left Saturday.
Stringfellow Hawks 82 - The People's Elbow - 60
Derrick Mason had 1 catch for 3 yards, one of his better games of the year. And it turns out that The Bullet Train has not let go of the past, because he sent Nate a postcard from London that simply read, "Here's 22 points against you, dick. You always held me back." If this was fantasy poker, Nate's four 7s would've won, but it's not and they didn't. Frank Gore was wasted on two teams this week, the Niners and the Elbow.
Brett Favre did everything he could to keep both the Jets AND the Chiefs in the game this week, but 16 points is 16 points. DeAngelo Williams had an on week with 17 points, leaving people wondering whatever happened to the musical D'Angelo. Marvin Harrison and Torry Holt cominbed for 3 points, a very sure sign that it's 2008, not 2002.
Lowcountry All Stars 111 - Newbomb Turk 34
I mean...I know I was calling Newbomb a fraudalent 5-2 team, but geez. I didn't think they'd get tripled up this week. Larry Johnson, 0. TE --empty--, 0. San Francisco, 0. Fred Taylor, 2. Yahoo! is actually considering shutting down fantasy football after this brutal game. They want people to have fun, not get hurt.
The highest-scoring team in the league didn't slow down a bit without Reggie Bush. Roddy White and Marshawn Lynch alone were enough to beat the Turk, but the All Stars have never been shy about adding extra mayo. In this case, the extra schmear was Dallas Clark and his 21 Monday night points. That's like running it up when the other team has already hit the locker room.
Atlas Shruggz 66 - Brookline Bucs 63
There are three ways for Brookline to take this one. Nonchalance, because 63 points wouldn't have beaten anybody this week (except Newbomb by 29), so this wasn't really a tough loss. Frustration, because if Edgerrin James can do any better than a -1 and if the injured Jeremy Shockey wasn't in the lineup, Brookline could've stolen a win and gotten to 4-4. Or pure joy, because they got to start Nate Washington. Here's a clip shot from Scott Henry's front yard after the Washington touchdown.
The Euro exchange rate greatly favored Atlas, because Rivers and McAllister only scored 29 American points this week, but got credit for 38. Throw in 16 for Suisham and that's 54 points from 3 guys and 12 from the other 6. My friends, this team is made up of real Americans that know you can't spread the wealth around. Though the chances of Atlas making the playoffs are about as ridiculous as promising a freeze on government spending and buying $500 billion worth of home mortgages in the same sentence.
St. A's Crusaders 118 - Vanduhlay industries 77
As usual, the WVFL is bunching up, with all three 5-2 teams losing this week. We're going to have a 7-way tie for first at 5-3 for now. If the season ended today, a team could literally be tied for first and miss the playoffs. As the Crusaders GM himself pointed out, the VI CEO returned from exile, made some moves, set the lineup this week...and then lost. Steven Jackson had a 0 because he missed the game with a quad injury. Looks like it's time to go back into hiding.
Now in the first place daisy chain, the Crusaders can thank Brees for 23 points and Santana Moss for 26. And Nate, for changing it so kick returners get credit for their own touchdowns. Midseason pickup extraordinaire Mewelde Moore notched another touchdown and 15 points. Welker, Benson and Kris Brown? For only scoring single digits this week, you are hereby excommunicated. Go join a Methodist team or something.
Crafton Tough Kids 91 - Deathfromabove 76
Rob Bironas did his best to pull this one out for DFA on Monday night, but Dominic Rhodes did his best to...actually, Dominic Rhodes did nothing. Take away his 10 points and Crafton still wins. Go to hell, Dominic Rhodes. How dare you almost get credit! Matt Schaub put up the 23 easiest points of the year against a Bengals defense that could almost be described as non-existant.
When you start three running backs, you're hoping to get more than 12 points. But Maurice Jones-Drew, BenJarvus Green Ellis and Justin Son Of Huggy Bear Fargas McClanahan-O'Reilly were not of much use this week. Kevin Walter beat out Wes Welker for White Receiver of the Week with 19 points.
Purple Swirls 96 - Iron City Pounders 78
J.T. O'Pulled only had 2 points and earned the eternal enmity of Mike Singletary. Jason Witten got hurt and put up a 0. Julius Jones only managed 2 points in a 34-13 win. But none of it matters because Brian Westbrook is back. Steve Smith just baaaaaarrrrely kept his foot in bounds on a touchdown, but his 23 points weren't the team high because Brian Westbrook is back.
The Pounders fined Burress $50 because his first half suspension this week only left him time to score 1 point and that's not going to get it done. Michael Turner had a down week because he faced a good defense, the most simple equation in all of the NFL this season. There's not too much more to say about the Pounders this week. They had some decent players, they had some bad players, they lost.