Last Week: 4-3
If you listen to the commentary track #2 my new DVD, I Make The Picks, you'll hear the startling confession that I more or less randomly choose scores for the picks each week. If a team looks great, 90+ points. Terrible, 60 points or so. BUT! But, I was seriously serious about the point total I gave Newbomb last week, and my prediction of 31 just barely missed their actual mark of 34.
You know what? I'm giving myself a bonus half game for that.
Last Week - 4.5-3
Lake Balboa Ladybugs (3-5) at St. A's Crusaders (5-3)
The idea that Colston, Addai and Boldin will all play a game together at some point is the only thing keeping me going in this league, but if I lose this week, those three plus Barry Sanders' 1997 stats won't do me any good. I am on week-to-week life support. Can I get a fresh injection of stem cells to keep me going?
Well, McNabb and Jackson should team up on Seattle in a way that is simply unholy, Boldin can manhandle St. Louis, Addai and Faulk/Jordan face weak run defenses in their matchup and Jacksonville goes against Ryan Fitzpatrick, who protects the ball as well as a disinterested infant. If not us, who? If not now, when?
Before this season, the only time I would've feared Kyle Orton is if he stumbled out of an airplane bathroom as I was going in. Who knows what half-liquid/half-solid combo I'd find splattered inside? But in 2008, Kyle Orton is going to destroy the Lions. In an interesting quirk, Yahoo! doesn't expect any Crusader beyond Orton to tiptoe into double digits. I guess they don't consider the idea of two good weeks in a row from Ted Ginn very feasible.
Besides, the Crusaders are obviously looking past Sunday and right to Tuesday.
The Pick: Lake Balboa Ladybugs 93 - St. A's Crusaders 85
The People's Elbow (5-3) at Deathfromabove (4-4)
The good news for Nate is that he has enough players to replace Gore and Henderson on their bye week. The bad news is that one of those guys is Michael Jenkins. The good news is, Nnamdi Asomugha will cover Roddy White, leaving DeAngelo Hall on Jenkins. Asomugha has had a ball thrown his way under 20 times this year. Hall has been burned 120 times this year. The bad news is, nobody knows if Derrick Mason is alive. The good news is, Earnest Graham plays Kansas City this week. The bad news is, injuries have moved Graham to fullback and Warrick Dunn to tailback. The good news is, Brandon Marshall can light up Miami.
The bad news is, DFA's lineup is looking ribokulous this week. Warner back in a dome against a bad team? Plus. Kevin Walter and Owen Daniels against Minnesota's pass defense? Plus plus. Adrian Peterson running all over Houston, forcing Schaub to throw to Walter and Daniels (The 2 White Crew) more often? Plus plus plus. Fargas against the Falcons non run stoppers? Plus.
The Pick: Deathfromabove 110 - The People's Elbow 76
Newbomb Turk (5-3) at Stringfellow Hawks (4-4)
Last week, Newbomb was exposed like a blonde auditioning to be Hef's new girl. His five wins were built solely on the ineptitude of his opponents. And wouldn't you know, another inept bunch of goofballs and derelicts is stumbling into town.
Torry Holt is cooked, but he makes Harrison look good. Parker is still hurt and facing a good Redskin defense, McGahee is still hurt, Benson is still terrible (not this one), Kellen Winslow is trying to prove evolution by contracting diseases immune to modern medicine and Favre is down to taking passing tips from his wife.
Braylon Edwards might not catch a pass this week, but Frerotte and Berrian are competent enough to tear up Houston's tertiary. It's not good enough to call it a secondary. Chicago might have three defensive touchdowns and two safeties against Dan Orlovsky. I can't believe this.
The Pick: Newbomb Turk 60 - Stringfellow Hawks 52
Brookline Bucs (3-5) at Lowcountry All Stars (5-3)
The two titans of public relations that put Pennsylvania tourism on the map, Scott Henry and Jeff Webster let the world know that there are more places to visit in the Keystone State than the Poconos. Now...they battle. And it's a bigger mismatch than a couple of hot 26-year olds debating whether to spend their vacation at Lake Erie or in Barbados.
Although White should fall into the end zone at some point against Green Bay, and Dunn should get yards on KC, Brookline is also starting Nate Washington. They are not getting last week's stats for it. The highly-anticipated Brad Johnson to Roy Williams connection hasn't gelled yet and Scheffler might not play.
On the other side, Lee Evans is going to go off on the Jets and at some point he will catch a 56-yard pass, get knocked out at the 2 and watch Marshawn Lynch run it in. The All Stars also have Marshawn Lynch. However, I will say 2 points for Roddy White and no more.
The Pick: Lowcountry All Stars 88 - Brookline Bucs 76
Atlas Shruggz. (2-6) at Atlas Shruggz (2-6)
This like a bad movie where our hero has an evil twin and both of them are in the same room and the hero's sidekick doesn't know who to shoot. So he asks a trick question that only the hero would know like, "Which of these teams has 105 more points than the other one does?" "I do!" "No, I do!" Bang! Fortunately for the easily-confused among us, it does not make one damn difference who wins this game.
The original Shruggz can either drop Rivers, Stewart or Cinco for a replacement back, or they can start McAllister on his bye game. Neither option matters. Especially since Selvin Young might not play, either.
The Shruggz(period) might want to get a defense in there, or they can just watch Ronnie Brown run for 300 yards against Denver.
The Pick: Atlas Shruggz. 76 - Atlas Shruggz 67
Iron City Pounders (3-5) at Crafton Tough Kids (5-3)
The Tough Kids lost in Week 2 by a tally of 104-103. This team could very well be in first place at 6-2. Then again, they only have the fourth-most points in the league, so maybe they're fine just where they are. Schaub and Fitzgerald should have big days, but Barber will struggle to find room against the Giants and Rhodes is going back behind Addai this week. For at least a quarter until Addai gets re-injured. Jon Gruden said Galloway sightings were more rare than seeing a white tiger, so maybe he isn't playing this week.
Plaxico is a mismatch against every Cowboy defender, but Eli is the type of guy who would freeze him out a bit to teach him a lesson about T-E-A-M. The infield has grown in in Oakland, so nothing should slow Turner down, but Slaton is half the size of Pat and Kevin Williams of Minnesota, even with them using water pills to make weight.
Hmm. I have to think about this one carefully because my picks are 3-5 in Crafton games this year. Side note, I'm in a confidence pool where you pick every game every week and so far I'm 1-7 in Miami games. That is hard to do, people!
The Pick: Iron City Pounders 86 - Crafton Tough Kids 81
Purple Swirls (5-3) at Vanduhlay industries (5-3)
Mike Singeltary pulled J.T. O'Sullivan. Makes sense. Mike Singletary kicked Vernon Davis off the field. Makes sense. Mike Singletary mooned his team at halftime and kept his pants down for five minutes. Does not make sense. Anyway, the Matt Ryan epoch is underway for the Swirls. Though, logically, if Asomugha holds Roddy White down, won't he hold Ryan down by default? Maybe not. DeAngelo Hall is pretty terrible.
Brian Westbrook will score three times as many points than Julius Jones in their matchup, which is both good and bad for Caulen. Witten has a broken rib and Houshmanzadeh has a broken heart from watching Ryan Fitzpatrick play quarterback.
I think VI might be around because he has a full lineup, but then I think he might not be because as of now he's starting Cassel over Cutler. Not only that, he has a straight up open bench spot with only two guys riding the pine. Drop Bowe and Thomas, pick up only Shiancoe. This team can always find a new way to play with a short roster and Steven Jackson being a game time decision doesn't help.
The Pick: Vanduhlay industries 91 - Purple Swirls 80