Last Week: 5-2
I've opened up my all-time biggest lead on the weekly picks, and to make sure I don't blow it, I've given myself a head start by letting the Thursday night game end before I make my picks. Fun!
Side note: Now that we've elected a half-black President, are racial jokes cool again? Is there a zeitgeist decision on this yet? I'm dying to joke about Obama dropping a drum beat into the Star-Spangled Banner.
Lake Balboa Ladybugs (3-6) at Vanduhlay industries (5-4)
First off, allow me to apologize to Ryan Torain. I am sorry that I picked you up and my magic hex powers had your body bent in half during your second pro game. But at least you got your first career TD before your knee exploded.
On another note, Jay Cutler - get this - had his best game of the season, continuing an ongoing roll for Ladybug opponents. Vanduhlay, who's been an absentee father for most of season, returned this week to bench Randle El and bring in a replacement kicker and defense. No need to start players on a bye anymore, it seems. Johnson, Jacobs, Jackson and Jforte all have matchup problems, but Cutler staked the team to such a lead that it might not matter.
If Marques Colston doesn't crack 10 points against the Falcons, he might get cut. Addai is going nowhere on Pittsburgh - or anybody else - but Jacksonville could force 8 turnovers against Culpepper in his return start. Who am I kidding? I'm going to lose again. And again and again.
The Pick: Vanduhlay industries 83 - Lake Balboa Ladybugs 68
The People's Elbow (5-4) at Iron City Pounders (4-5)
The Elbow started Brady Quinn? Really? When did that happen? Anyway, a big Brandon Marshall moment happened in tonight's game, but nobody mentioned it. After his touchdown catch made it 34-30, he pulled a foreign substance out of his trunks Macho Man Randy Savage style, but Brandon Stokley rushed up to him, covered him up and talked him out of celebrating with a prop, lest he incur a 15-yard penalty and give the Browns good field position on their final drive. Replays showed his pulled a plastic bag full of brown powder out of his jock. One, was it Nesquik? Two, he played the whole game with a plastic bag in his jock? Three, when fat, white sportswriters figure out what happened, they are going to suck off Stokley for three weeks. Little white receiver! So gritty! Like a coach on the field! Also, Brandon Marshall is an idiot.
Oh, here's the explanation.
Anyway, Nate also needs a tight end this week. Too bad he didn't get PFC Winslow. The Niners will be down early and often, so Gore will be limited, but Mason could recreate last week's magic against Houston.
On the other sideline, Jamal Lewis looks ridiculous when he takes 35 steps to run 10 yards, but he still got 14 points. When you add in Hightower and Turner, the Pounder backfield could crack 60 total points this week. That might get the job done.
The Pick: Iron City Pounders 81 - The People's Elbow - 71
Newbomb Turk (6-3) at Deathfromabove (5-4)
Newbomb is off to a terrible start in keeping this week's opponent under 70 points, with Eddie Royal chalking up 26. Kurt Warner is going to destroy San Francisco, Peterson can run all over Green Bay and Tennessee gets to feast on Rex.
Braylon Edwards had a single point Thursday, and it wasn't for the first half drop that made the crowd boo him. On the next play, he took out his frustration with a big block, but he didn't get a point for that either. I could keep talking about this game, but since Newbomb's opponent is going over 85 this week, they will clearly lose.
The Pick: Deathfromabove 86 - Newbomb Turk 50
Brookline Bucs (3-6) at Stringfellow Hawks (4-5)
Big game for the Hawks. A win propels them forward in the playoff chase. A loss pushes them right back in the shit pack. Big game. So will they win? Probably. Favre can throw on St. Louis all day and interceptions are only -1, so not too bad. Tomlinson should go off on Kansas City and Jonathan Stewart is out this week, giving more totes to DeAngelo Williams. I can't imagine Hester doing a damn thing against the Titans, though.
Going back to the race thing for a second, Joey Porter said the other day that Matt Jones shouldn't be playing right now since he got caught with cocaine. And, not to start a kerfuffle, but does anybody seriously believe that if Brandon Marshall or or Santana Moss was caught with a Bolivian Snowstorm by the cops that the league wouldn't have suspended them by now?
Anyway...the entire Bucs roster this week sucks worse than having a roommate who's hooked on cocaine and stealing your stuff.
The Pick: Stringfellow Hawks 75 - Brookline Bucs 69
Lowcountry A Stars (3-6) at Lowcountry All Stars (6-3)
It's not at all hard to tell these two apart. I can very much believe the A Stars are not butter. Though I am happy to use the symbol for the first time since buying a computer. The A Stars are claiming that every great comeback starts against the best, but what actually happens is that a comeback starts with low level lieutenants who are big but don't have any moves before eventually moving on to the kung fu master. Garrard and Brown will have moves against bad defenses, but the rest of the A Stars are low level lieutenants.
Roddy White against the Saints defense is almost unfair, and both Evans and Lynch could be good if Edwards doesn't have another fourth quarter football giveaway. With Asomugha shutting off the Steve Smith spigot, Mushin Muhammad could be nice against whatever cornerback was not good enough to beat out DeAngelo Hall for a starting job.
The Pick: Lowcountry All Stars 90 - Lowcountry A Stars 7
St. A's Crusaders (6-3) at Atlas Shruggz (2-7)
When Atlas loses, he is magnanimous, like John McCain. He actually apologized to Skip Henry for beating him. When I lose, I am like Saran Palin, blaming everybody else around me. The quarterbacks in this one might combine for 60 points with Brees against Atlanta and Rivers against Kansas City. Call it a wash.
Jennings is better than Driver now, so a slight advantage to Atlas out wide. Jonathan Stewart is out, but Grant might as well be out against Minnesota. Thomas Jones and Deuce both have good matchups, so a wash there. Avery and Gonzalez are both impossible to predict, so this game will come down to the defenses. And also the coin I'm about to flip.
The Pick: Atlas Shruggz 81 - St. A's Crusaders 80
Purple Swirls (6-3) at Crafton Tough Kids (5-4)
Ward and Rhodes are coming out for the Tough Kids this week and Cotchery and Faulk are going in. Jerricho Cotchery is the Kris Beech of the Tough Kids, and he is also hurt in his second go around. Fitzgerald will be fun to watch Monday night, but he might have to make up a lot of points.
Then again, maybe he won't. Rookie Ryan is the best virgin QB since Marino and New Orleans is the worst pass defense since San Diego, which has to go against Dwayne Bowe this week. Asomugha will eliminate Steve Smith and Chris Johnson will struggle to get loose on Chicago and...and...and...
...and this is a bad week for two good teams. I say...
The Pick: Crafton Tough Kids 75 - Purple Swirls 71