This one is going to be a late night version. And by that I mean that it will be brief, not X-rated. But hey, fuck you for the hell of it, fuckface.
Lake Balboa Ladybugs 90 - Atlas Shruggz 64
The Ladybugs have begun their march toward 6-7, just missing the playoffs as they always do. It's a miracle that McNabb got 12 points, because he was so unbelievably bad. Boldin dominated again and he is wasted on the Ladybugs like Asomugha is wasted on the Raiders. I don't deserve him. Hey, Joseph Addai! What time did you get here? Awesome! We got beer out back and wine in the kitchen. Just grab whatever you want.
Jonathan Stewart had a nice touchdown run, but since he didn't have six nice touchdown runs, the Shruggz lost. Philip Rivers looked lost in the sleet, and I could not have been happier to be in sunny weather watching that game. Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan has recently mentioned rethinking his lifelong devotion to Ayn Rand in the face of both the market meltdown and the Shruggz' fantasy meltdown.
The People's Elbow 80 - Purple Swirls 61
The older brother always finds a way to pull out a victory, doesn't he? This time because Earnest Graham's injury-induced 0 was still better than Julius Jones' terribleness-induced -1. Frank Gore shredded St. Louis in a complete non-surprise, further bolstering the idea that Addai should be the #1 overall pick next year.
It's no surprise that Chris Johnson struggled against Jacksonville, but a total surprise that Steve Smith and Westbrook struggled against two atrocious defenses. The Purple Swirls tumbled into the massive logjam at 6-5, and Nate just brought in an auditing firm to start going through WVFL playoff tiebreakers.
The very nifty Optimal Lineup tab on the Statracker app shows that if Caulen started Hillis and Houshmanzadeh over Johnson and Jones, he would've won 92-80. Very nifty app. Not so nifty GMing.
Iron City Pounders 79 - Newbomb Turk 38
One of the teams in that morass at 6-5 is a squad that has scored under 40 twice this year and under 50 one other time. I am pretty certain they will lose any and all tiebreakers, including the crucial No You Don't Deserve It tiebreaker. John Carney's team scored 30 and he scored 0, so...was he hurt or something? Kevin Boss had a 0. Braylon Edwards' 10 points Monday night - 1 for each drop - is the only thing that kept Newbomb from getting tripled up for a third time.
As for the Pounders, what can you say about a man who defeats a toddler in an arm-wrestling match? Michael Turner's 20 points were a nice day, I suppose.
Deathfromabove 83 - Brookline Bucs 59
In his last hurrah for Brookline, Randy Moss caught a last second touchdown and scored 8 points. Here's your gold watch, Randy. Please don't lose it or sell it. Ben's 12 points were more than Pittsburgh's 11 points. When you click Optimal Lineup for Brookline in Statracker, you get a 404 error message.
Maurice Jones-Drew posting 20 on the Titans might be the upset of the year. Two TDs go a long way, it would seem.
Stringfellow Hawks 108 - Name Changers 59
When your defense and kicker combine for 33 points, things are probably going to go your way. DeAngelo Williams was the other Panther with a nice touchdown run and his 24 points showed The Bullet Train what he used to be like in his prime.
Chad Johnson waited 11 weeks to have a good game, and when he was finally ready it didn't matter. Classic Bungles. Who's been worse this year, Moss or Owens? This week, at least, it was Owens.
Lowcountry All Stars 85 - St. A's Crusaders 76
The All Stars won their fourth straight, ended the Crusaders' five game winning streak, took sole possession of first place and clinched a playoff spot. That's a pretty effective 85 points right there. Of course, had the Crusaders started Ryan Grant instead of Mark Bryant, those 85 Lowcountry points would've been 6 short of a win. The Crusaders railed about Ryan Grant all year, called him a bust and the first chance he got, he stuck it to upper management. Fight the power! Viva!
Did Lee Evans even play Monday night? Thankfully for the All Stars, Trent Edwards' utter terror at throwing a pass over 10 yards didn't matter because all of those dump offs went to Marshawn Lynch, who is also on the All Stars.
Crafton Tough Kids 122 - Vanduhlay industries 70
Starting Tyler Thigpen and getting 20 points out of him may be the greatest GM performance in the history of fantasy football. Any dope can start Fitzgerald and Barber, and many do, but to see potential and have it realized is truly great. Getting 21 points from Phil Dawson, however, is an utter fluke.
After Sunday's game, Brandon Jacobs took a Ravens helmet to a taxidermist so he could mount it over the fireplace. His dominating 19-point effort is a reminder that Marques Colston should be the first receiver off the board in 2009, minding the Krogmann +1 effect.