Monday, December 28, 2009

WVFL Super Bowl Review

THIS WEEK: 1-0
SEASON 50-32

First of all, I already spoke with Visanthe Shiancoe and told him there was no need to show up the Whiz-Bang Gang and outscore the Minnesota defense when we had the game in hand. As a punishment, I sprayed him in the face of a bottle of champagne, then let him drink the remaining third bottle. But it was Andre pink champagne. Real dog stuff.

I find it all too appropriate that after I called the WBG fraudalent frauds all season they limped to 59.68 points in the big game. As I told Larry on the phone Sunday - after I asked him how the underside of my glans looked - it was bad luck that Rodgers was so good against Seattle that he got pulled early. And it was further bad luck that he was relying on Josh Cribbs and Beanie Wells.

That said, a stat line of 2 catches, 8 yards, 2 touchdowns for Randy Moss is useful in fantasy life, though not entirely impressive. Fortunately, Moss added another 37 yards and a third touchdown to not humiliate me.

All in all, this game was won on draft day. My first seven picks - Johnson, Moss, Rice, Rivers, Benson, Holmes, Shiancoe - combined for 106.16 points in the title game. Shades of The Emperor in 1974 pulling Swann, Lambert, Stallworth and Webster out of the pile. Oh, and Jimmy Allen.

In contrast, The Whiz-Bang Gang's first seven picks - DeAngelo Williams, Wayne, Rodgers, Larry Johnson, Roy Williams, Jamal Lewis, Cotchery - combined for 17.38 points in the final, mainly because most of them were long cut.

When I saw Brian Brohm would be getting his first career start for the Bills, I merrily picked up the Falcons defense and rode the inevitable defensive touchdown to another 21 points. Yes, my incredible football acumen has finally been rewarded after a WVFL career that has seen me finish 11th, 7th, 8th (out of 10) and 9th the last four times out.

Now I can turn my attention back to hockey, where my situation at the goalie situation borders on ridiculously pathetic. As I posted on the league message board, there are two ways to get your remittance to me and we'll see you all back here next fall.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

WVFL Super Bowl Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-0
SEASON: 49-32

It's Christmas Eve and a few traditions are continuing unabated in the Krogmann household. It's A Wonderful Life is on, I've already consumed a large bottle of Belgian beer and my wife is wrapping presents by herself since I'm utterly unable to wrap presents without needing to patch up big gaps with extra paper.

Writing a fantasy football preview is a new twist, though.

By the way, nobody is ever going to care for two seconds, but going 17 games over .500 picking NFL games would be impressive. Going 17 games over .500 picking fantasy football may be better than actually winning the title. I mean, seriously, who could do that?


THE NEV-R-WINS (10-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (12-3

In August, it struck me than NFL backs were beyond random for fantasy purposes and with the passing game taking over for the running game as the dominant approach, maybe opening the draft back-back was no longer the way to go. Of course, lots of other people thought this as well and I also told people that if I got the #2 pick, I was taking Matt Forte.

But I didn't get the #2 pick. I was on the phone with Nate and pixie dream girl employee for the pulling of the draft order when I heard my team name called first...meaning I was picking last. After half-considering dropping out of the league, I began analyzing which backs might be available at the 12 spot. I didn't want Frank Gore ever again after what he did to me 2 years ago. I didn't trust Steve Slaton to repeat last year. I knew Brandon Jacobs sucked. (Amazingly, he went 9th overall.) Kevin Smith played for Detroit, Marion Barber wasn't great...about the only back I seriously considered at 12 was Ryan Grant, because I thought the Packers were going to be really good.

So I ended up taking Andre Johnson and Randy Moss, then basically lucked out with Ray Rice and Cedric Benson. Even though I was targeting them as later round backs, let's be honest, if those two don't pan out, I'm probably going 4-10 in a 13-game season. And now here I am in the title game for the first time ever, boring the hell out of everybody. Sounds about right. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I hit a par 5 in 2 shots?

On another note, next year, with our league's crazy scoring, I might draft QB-QB. Did you realize that Jay Cutler, in the midst of an historically bad season, is the 22nd highest-scoring player in our league. Or that DeSean Jackson, having an historically explosive season, is only the 25th? Or that 12 of the top 15 highest scorers are QBs? Hell, Jason Campbell has more points than Andre Johnson, the only receiver to crack the 200 mark. It might be time to change passing to 50 yards a point.

Okay, now that the traditional three-hour pregame gabfest is over, let's talk about the actual Super Bowl.

Aaron Rodgers, the #1 scorer in our league, is certain to put up points against a terrible Seattle team this week, but Whiz-Bang Gang first rounder and #6 overall pick DeAngelo Williams is most likely out. That leaves Beanie Wells in at running back, but at least Arizona is playing St. Louis. And for the second week in a row, Larry has to silently root for somebody to torch the Steelers, this time Derrick Mason. Too bad Mason's beard is older than his quarterback. With Darrelle Revis likely to blanket Reggie Wayne, Peyton will be more than happy to throw the ball to somebody you've never heard of, like Blankanian DeMaurice, the only wide receiver in league history to wear #62.

The Nev-R-Wins have cracked 100 in both playoff games in four of the last six and ten overall. This is a high-powered offense, especially now than Randy Moss is mad at fat sportswriters. Rice won't run for many yards on the Steelers, but backs who catch dump off passes can always rack up yards and points on us. And the only thing that would slow down Cedric Benson against Kansas City would be be dumb old Larry Johnson. But Johnson has no connection to Chris Henry and won't be nearly as inspired, right?

In the end, I have always been great at fantasy football, but this is the first year I'm actually proving it. I could tell you why, but I don't feel like it.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 88

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

We'll cover this more in the Super Bowl preview, but the printer at Whiz-Bang Gang headquarters is in danger of overheating as GM Larry Schacht prints out all of the bulletin board material I've given them over the last two months.

THE NEV-R-WINS 107.42 - TURD SANDWICH 95.58

Let's address the elephant in the room right up front. His name is Packy D. Erm.

"Packy, is it true that if Turd Sandwich started Steve Smith, they would've won this game?"

"No, you're the dummy!"

"Jesus Christ, Packy. Blow your moment in the spotlight a little harder."

Here's the beauty of fantasy football. You put a good team together, you play hard all year, you pencil in Steve Smith as your fles starter all week, you hear Michael Turner is a surprise starter Sunday morning, you put in Turner, you lose. That's all there is to it. Fantasy football truly is the sweet science of kings.

Andre Johnson has about 370 yards and 53 fantasy points in the last two weeks, Philip Rivers is garnering MVP talk and Ray Rice apparently can't be tackled. These are all good things for me.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 140.62 - DEATHFROMABOVE 124.50

For the second time in two weeks, the team with the 2nd-highest weekly score was bounced from the playoffs. And apparently you can get rusty in fantasy football, because both bye teams were ejected this week.

It doesn't help that DFA was outscored by 30 at the QB spot, continuing Tom Brady's disappointing year. Going into Buffalo and posting 7.3 probably sent DFA back to Babies R' Us to return that bottle warmer they bought. Jackson, Jackson and Jackson-Drew had tremendous weeks, but all for naught.

You would think that Larry would feel a little dirty rooting for Rodgers to keep the fireworks going on the Steelers, but then you wouldn't know Larry very well. He can sell out any long-time favorites at the drop of a dime.

By the way, Larry was considering starting DeAngelo Williams until I talked him into playing Wells instead. The difference between Wells' 17 and Williams' 1 is why the Whiz-Bang Gang won. If I lose to this team in the finals, I will probably recall that conversation a few times in the spring.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

WVFL Conference Championship Preview

LAST WEEK: 1-1
SEASON: 47-32

Although it's half a bitch move, like agreeing to pick up a friend at the airport then showing 45 minutes late, I'm writing this preview after two games have been played. And it's gonna be short. Perhaps it's three-quarters of a bitch move.

THE NEV-R-WINS (9-5) at TURD SANDWICH (10-3)

I am on the cusp of the best football season of my life. I'm in a four-man confidence pool where the winner gets dinner at a place of his choice and I have such a big lead that I've already picked a place. I'm also currently in first place in a betting pool that pays out $2760 for first and I'm in the fantasy playoffs for the first time. In other words, something has to give. After seeing Miles Austin post 19.9 points tonight, I think it might be fantasy.

I am legitimately debating starting Arian Foster over Randy Moss tomorrow. Not only would that put four Texans in my lineup, it would have me starting Arian Foster over Randy Moss. On the other hand, Moss is pulling a seven-eighths bitch move lately and the Rams cancelled practice twice this week because of swine flu.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 97 - TURD SANDWICH 95


WHIZ-BANG GANG (11-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (10-3)

It must be frustrating to post 19.2 points on Thursday and still be trailing. On the other hand, it must be frustrating to 26 points on Thursday and not be way out in front.

Amazingly, the marquee matchup of Reggie Wayne versus MoJoDo Thursday could be trumped by the Monday night under-under-undercard of Fred Davis versus Quinton Gather. Come Tuesday morning, whoever loses this one will be angrily gnawing an Egg McMuffin while cursing a heretofore unknown Redskin.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 81 - DEATHFROMABOVE 78

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

WVFL Wild Card Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 124.58 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 104.34

I feel bad that the Shruggz scored 104 and lost in the playoffs when another team scored 85 and won in the playoffs, but not as bad as I would've felt if I lost because Randy Moss fumbled, then quit and posted a -0.4 for the week.

#1 overall pick Adrian Peterson scored two touchdowns and 25.70 points...and was the THIRD best player in this matchup. Andre Johnson caught a 68-yard TD on the first play of the game and kept going until he had another 130 yards and another TD, and Ray Rice ran through Detroit with minimal resistance. In fact, Johnson, Rice, Tennessee and Garrett Hartley alone could've beaten the Whiz-Bang Gang this week.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 85.20 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 78.46

Like a marketing VP who doesn't know anything about marketing, his company or his clients and yet keeps rising up through the ranks, infuriating his coworkers who long for day that this fraud will be exposed as such, the WBG just keep winning. We'll see if Carolina missing both of their starting tackles hampers DeAngelo Williams this week.

The Pounders could've pulled off the upset if Tim Hightower could've managed just 6.35 points Monday night. One 12-yard reception and 52 rushing yards and he's there. Alas, he fumbled early on and was benched for the rest of Arizona's drubbing, allowing the Whiz-Bangers to move on to the next round, even though they don't deserve it at all. The WBG forgets your name, so they call you Champ in the elevator.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

WVFL Wild Card Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-1
SEASON: 46-31

I managed to go 4-1 with the picks last week, mainly because I forgot to pick the Bucs/WBG matchup. Good one!

As usual with the playoff previews, we will be completely ignoring the consolation/self-esteem bracket, even though TK is still making roster moves in a completely adorable fashion.


THE NEV-R-WINS (8-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (6-7)

I am 90% certain that this is the first time I made the fantasy football playoffs and I don't know if I should cry or wind my watch. And what better way to be introduced to the playoffs than having to face Adrian Peterson in your first game? My other two concerns are Benson facing the Minnesota defense and Andre Johnson possibly having Rex Grossman at QB. Grossman will start if Schaub's nearly dislocated shoulder is too painful, though a dislocated shoulder doesn't necessarily make you a worse QB than Rex Grossman.

If it comes down to Monday night, it's going to be Boldin vs. Rackers and that's a weird matchup for me. But if I lose to the playoffs to the likes of Fred Jackson and Robert Meachem, I could hardly count that as a surprise.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 105 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81


IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-7) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (10-3)

A few weeks ago, the WBG was so certain of a bye that they booked a non-refundable team vacation to Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Not only did the hotel keep the deposit, they sold the block of rooms this afternoon on Expedia for $199 a night, getting paid twice for the same rooms. Go Atlantis!

Now the WBG actually has to play a cold weather game with a gimpy DeAngelo Williams and a backup Chester Taylor instead of drinking 64-ounce peacharitas. They were on top just a few weeks ago, now they'll be bounced from the tournament by a team that will reach .500 with a playoff win. Such is life.

The WBG should bench Taylor and start Beanie Wells just so this game can come down to Monday night and Alex Smith, Hightower and Wells. That steaming pile would be most representative of this game in general.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 87 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 81

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

WVFL Week 13 Review

It's all over but the crying. And also the playoffs.

THE NEV-R-WINS 115.32 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 69.10

My prediction of this being the blowout of the week came to pass, but the part about the Pounders missing the playoffs did not. By 6.09 points.

Yes, Alex Smith having a flukishly good 20-point game is what put the Pounders into the playoffs. Think about that, why don't ya?

My goal of finishing with the #1 point total and the #4 playoff total got an Incomplete grade, and the new experience of actually making the playoffs left me so confused that I forgot to print up commemorative apparel and merchandise.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 122.74 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 96.06

A four-game losing streak in the middle of the season wasn't enough to keep the Shruggz out of the playoffs, as they won when they needed to. And in spectacular fashion, to boot. Sure, Adrian Peterson had 6.5 points and Robert Meachem had 26.20 (including 6 on that fumble strip from a defensive back he ran in), but a win is a win.

The Crusaders had enough points to get into the playoffs, but not enough wins. Had they won this game, they'd be playing with their fantasy lineup this Thursday instead of their ding dongs. I'm sure Marion Barber's 2.3 points in this key game won't cause much offseason consternation.


DEATHFROMABOVE 97.38 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 84.90

Facing the Elbow, DFA is basically treated to two bye weeks going into the playoffs. Must be nice. And this new "Just throw it up to Calvin Johnson" offense in Detroit might go a long way in those playoffs.

The takeaway for the Elbow this year is that Tomlinson got just good enough at the end of the year to make him a tempting 2nd round pick next season. Playing up there in Seattle? Oh man, he'll be revitalized!


TURD SANDWICH 133.58 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 91.32

One team that didn't back into anything was Turd Sandwich, which posted the most points this week, thereby clinching the Presidents' Trophy. Ryan Grant had 4.10, making him the only Turd not to post double digits. Which makes him an actual turd.

TK has to live with the knowledge that he would've made the playoffs if he won this game, but he can be soothed with the knowledge that he had no chance of winning this game. And also that he won two separate baseball legues this year. Even though nobody cares about baseball.


PURPLE SWIRLS 109.34 - DOPPELGANGER 72.90

The Swirls gave it their best, but I guess their best wasn't good enough. Caulen played running back roulette this season and went bankrupt.

Clint was the only person to not crack the thousand-point mark this season and somebody should give him a plaque or something for that. Though I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to hack Yahoo and put his team into the playoffs. Don't think Yahoo! can be hacked? Think AGAIN.


BROOKLINE BUCS 79.50 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 63.32

For about a month now, I've been calling the WBG the fraudiest fraud that ever fraud and Larry has been responding to me with an increasing amount of vitriol. The spittle flying reached a crescendo last week, when the WBG seemed certain of clinching a bye. Things have quieted down this week for some reason. But you hire Bill Cowher to run your team, you have to know the regular season might be your high point.

Of the 63 points the WBG managed to puke up this week, 39 came from Rodgers and Mendenhall. I wouldn't make those reservations for Miami just yet.

Skip Henry has already himself pointed out that if he started Warner over Palmer this week, he would've made the playoffs. And as we all know, when Brookline makes the tournament, they go to the big dance. Oh well. At least he has...some...other...interest or something to fall back on.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

WVFL Week 13 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 42-30

The picks have gotten progressively worse as the season has gone on and I've spent less and less time actually thinking about them. I'm sure what will help this week is having a bunch of projects to do around the house and the holidays approaching and Usain Bolting these picks.

THE NEV-R-WINS (7-5) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-6)

I wrote a way-too-involved playoff preview this week and even I forget what the Pounders have to do this week to make the playoffs. Pretty sure they have to at least win, except Yahoo! hates their chances.

If this was real life, I'd be benching my stars since I can't improve or worsen my playoff position. But this is fantasy life, and I really want to have the most points this season so I can not win the title and then complain ad nauseum about how dumb fantasy football is.

Steve Slaton has been ruled out, I think Jamaal Charles has as well and Alex Smith is still not that good. In other words, goodbye playoffs, hello Toyota blowout of the week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 55


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-7) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-7)

This game is the guaranteed screwgy for the playoff hopefuls, since it guarantees at least two teams will be at least 6-7. Crabtree and Avant aren't as good as Welker and Boldin, so let's put the Shruggz at 6-7

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 84


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-9) at DEATHFROMABOVE (9-3)

This game has absolutely no meaning except the absurd. The Elbow is trying to lock up the penultimate spot in the standings, and DFA doesn't want to drop another turd bomb, thereby blowing a bye week. Actually, I guess the bye week thing carries a lot of meaning, now that I think about it.

Let's just go ahead and give them the bye.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 97 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-7) at TURD SANDWICH (9-3)

Now here's a game with some meaning! So I'll use this space to talk about myself instead. I usually write on a PC, but tonight I'm borrowing a MacBook because our home wireless is screwy. And it's like driving a manual car in England. The same thing ultimately, but everything is different. Control-B and Control-I don't do shit, and this thing where you can massage the touch mousepad and make the screen shrink or grow is driving me crazy. I hate people who insists that Macs are better just because...well, just because. All I ever hear at work is designers cursing because Photoshop just crashed on their Mac. Fucking Macs.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 79 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 77


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-7) at DOPPELGANGER (3-9)

Caulen is using the smack window to try and convince Clint that Gore is out this week. The thing is, that could actually work because Clint has no idea where to find football news, but it won't work because Clint only checks the WVFL site once a week, on Wednesdays.

So could the statisical and theoretical worst team in the league trip up Caulen and keep him out of the playoffs? Could the Swirls finish two games out of the playoffs because 2 of the 4 Doppelganger wins came against the Swirls? Maybe.

I don't know. But I do know this. If you told somebody back in August that they needed to win in Week 13 to make the playoffs and their starting QB would be Vince Young, they would be skeptical at best.

And while I'm making predictions, how about this one? Steven Jackson has 130 yards and 2 touchdowns as the Rams upset the Bears 20-14? It would only complete the allegory. A terrible team upsets a team everybody thought would be good back in August, a team with unexpected quarterback troubles (Swirls drafted McNabb, Bears trades for Cutler) goes flailing and nobody except me sees it coming. God, I'm fantastic.

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 106 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

Thursday, December 3, 2009

WVFL Playoff Picture

First comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas. In between, a new American holiday, Week 14 of the NFL season. Which is also...opening week of the fantasy playoffs. There's no traditional meal (yet), but the drinking is just as hearty and so is the mirth.

Unlike last year when something like ten teams had a shot at five playoff spots, the WVFL playoff picture is 66.6666666666666666666666666666666666667% solidified already, with four teams having clinched berths. (Yes, it's berths, not births. I think it has something with the preponderence of rail travel before the the '50s, as rooms on rail cars were called berths. You can call me Mikipedia now.)

But just because only two spots are left doesn't mean we don't have some hot, hot action. In fact, only The People's Elbow and Doppelganger have been formally eliminated, although anti-asterisks do not appear next to their names in the standings.

SO! Who needs what to happen when to end up where? Let's find out.

ELIMINATED

The People's Elbow and Doppelganger

  • I just told you. Though you may be stunned to learn that the two last place teams actually have the fewest points as well. And you'll definitely be stunned to learn that the Elbow has a 90-point lead on Doppelganger for avoiding the Ex-Presidents' Trophy.

BYE WEEKS

Whiz-Bang Gang

  • Clinch home field advantage (a server farm in South Bangalore) with a win.
  • Or if either Turd Sandwich or Deathfromabove lose.
  • Or if they lose and both TS and DFA win, but WBG outscores DFA this week by 5.09 or TS by 20.01.

Turd Sandwich

  • Clinch a bye with a win and a DFA loss
  • Or a loss, a DFA loss and DFA does not outscore TS by more than 14.92
  • Or a win, a DFA win, a WBG loss, DFA does not outscore TS by more than 14.92 and WBG does not outscore TS by more than 19.99.

Deathfromabove

  • Clinch a bye with a win and a TS loss
  • Or a loss, a TS loss and they outscore TS by more than 14.92
  • Or a win, a TS win, a WBG loss and WBG does not outscore them by more than 5.09
  • Or a win, a TS win, a WBG loss and they outscore TS by more than 14.92

WILD CARDS

The Nev-R-Wins

  • Clinch #4 seed with a win or an Iron City Pounder loss
  • Or a loss, an ICP win an ICP does not outscore them by more than 100.07 points.

Iron City Pounders

  • Clinch a playoff spot with a win
  • Or a loss and a Rockers loss, Crusaders/Shruggz loss, Bucs loss and Swirls loss
  • Or a loss, a Rockers win but they outscore the Rockers by more than 67.91.
  • Or a loss, a Rockers win, the winning Crusaders don't outscore them by more than 12.44 or the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by 47.12, a Bucs loss or a Swirls loss
  • All the above, plus the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 16.48 or the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 66.34

Firerock Rockers

  • Clinch a playoff spot with a win if the winning Crusaders don't outscore them by 80.34 or the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by more than 115.02, the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 84.38 and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by 134.24
  • Eliminated with a loss.

St. A's Crusaders

  • Clinch with a win, a Rockers loss, the winning Bucs don't outscore them by more than 4.04, and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 53.90.
  • Or the above scenarios, but with a Rocker win if they outscore the Rockers by more than 80.34.
  • Or the first scenarios, a Rockers win, an ICP loss and they outscore the Pounders by more than 12.44.
  • Eliminated with a loss.

Brookline Bucs

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and add 4.04 to each number.
  • Or a Crusaders loss to or to score 4.05 points more than the Crusaders.
  • Or a win, a Crusaders loss, a Rocker loss, the winning Shruggz don't outscore them by more than 30.64 and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 49.86

Atlas Shruggz

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and add 34.68 to each number.
  • Or a win, a Bucs loss, a Rocker loss and the winning Swirls don't outscore them by more than 19.22

Purple Swirls

  • Take the Crusader scenarios and then forget about it.

Whew. That was like trying to figure out how many different license plates can be created from three letters followed by four numbers so I could get into Dartmouth. And I still probably left something out. Anyway, have those calculators handy Monday night!

(Or just click the League Standings tab in StatTracker, which shows updated standings in real time.)

Monday, November 30, 2009

WVFL Week 12 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 78.48 - DEATHFROMABOVE 62.68

If another team had clinched a playoff spot after starting an inactive running back and their opponent, the highest-scoring team in the league only posted 62 points, I'd be raising so much hell that a Sarah Palin rally would seem calm and thoughtful in comparison. My God, would I be mad.

But for once, it was me and thus, I am angry at all. In fact, I was quite joyful. Besides, even inactive, Benson outscored Snelling by 1.2 points.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 109.40 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 95.14

I'll be doing a whole look at playoff scenarios this week, but this game had a lot of playoff implications. By winning, the Pounders took control of their own destiny. And they did it with Matt Ryan breaking his toe early on and putting up less than a point. Now all they have to do is find another QB before this week's crucial season close.

The main factor in this game was Driver vs. Jennings, and with Driver winning that battle 20.20 to 5.30, it really made for a perfect microcosm of the whole Packer season.

It's hard to believe somebody could've had Drew Brees this week and lost, but it's sort of Brees' fault since the Pounders had Colston.


TURD SANDWICH 130.70 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 108.36

Before the season, the Elbow was predicted to be epically, historically bad. As perhaps fitting a disappointing team, they disappointed and ended up being merely bad. Though it's probably all for the best, since Colts coach Jim Calhoun (No, wait! Caldwell!) consulted with Peyton Manning (I'm sure) and announced that the Colts would rest starters down the stretch after clinching the division in Week 12. Probably better off that Manning sitting won't hurt a WVFL playoff team.

The Sandwich sat Miles Austin, perhaps fearing that he would get Nnamdied. Instead, Austin ripped off 20.50 points, none of which the Sandwich actually needed, except for the Midway Pinball High Scorer of the Year Award, sponsored by Midway Pinball.


DOPPELGANGER 89.08 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 80.88

In Cowher's last year (thus far), the Steelers went into Cincy in Week 17. The Steelers were already eliminated, but the Bengals could get into the playoffs with a win. I distinctly remember seeing Hines Ward in pre-game warmup tell the camera that if we weren't going to the playoffs, they weren't either. Clint, apparently, feels the same way.

What Tony did in fantasy this week was equivalent to...nothing actually. The best I can come up with is that it's like he was watching TV, got up for something, ended up in the kitchen, forgot what he got up for in the first place, grabbed a Diet Rite and didn't remember he disliked Diet Rite until he sat back down and had three sips. He picked up Felix Jones to play instead of Matt Forte (the 5th overall pick), then forgot to start Jones. And even if he did start Jones, he still would've lost. Looks like Ben's concussion lost the game for two teams.


BROOKLINE BUCS 89.50 - PURPLE SWIRLS 82.08

Late season injury pickup and latest Caulen running back flirtation, Justin Forsett, had 25. The rest of the Swirls were not Scottish, and therefore, crap.

Don't look now, but Chris Johnson is actually a reasonable distance away from 2,000 yards. Terrell Owens caught a 60-yard bomb in the Bills game, and that right there was enough to give Scoot Henry the win.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 91.72 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 84.50

As the WBG takes the inside track on the Presidents' Trophy, let's take time to remember that the Titans were 13-3 last year. On a week when DeAngelo had 5, Beanie had 4.1, Shockey had 1.5 and Burleson had 4.6, how did the Whizzers pull out a win? Well, Green Bay played Detroit, and Rodgers and the Packer DST combined for 46.42.

Going into Monday night with Meachem, Welker and the Patriots DST, the Shruggz probably thought they had a decent shot. At least until Welker was tackled immediately after every catch and the Patriot defense was exposed as a Madoff-level fraud.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

WVFL Week 12 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 40-26

When the turkey's in the brine and you are full of wine, that's amore. It's also a great time to do a weekly preview that is sure to be chockablock with typos. By the way, tomorrow we are having sausage stuffing. That's right, we're stuffing the damn turkey with sausage and bread. If you've never had sausage stuffing (unlike your wife, oh!) my recommendations are high.

THE NEV-R-WINS (6-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (9-2)

In the middle of next week, I'm going to do a playoff scenario column, but it's entirely possible I could miss the playoffs with the second-most points in the league. And if that happens, you will NEVER hear the end of it.

Yahoo! seems to think I'm going to get my dick kicked off this week, and Cedric Benson missing games against Oakland and Cleveland isn't helping any. Although I'd like Yahoo! to explain how Jason Snelling is down for 16 points, but Bernard Scott only gets 7. Fuck off, Yahoo!

It seems like I'm going to end up in another deal where it's Monday night and I'm hoping my wide receiver can outscore the guy who throws to him. That failed last week and it'll probably fail this week.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 101 - THE NEV-R-WINS 95


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-6) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-6)

Here's what I know about the Indy/Houston game this Sunday. Houston will lead for most of the game, then lose late. Here's what I don't know. How many points Addai will score. Or Slaton. But I do know that Hightower won't do junk against Tennessee and that it's a shame that Caulen didn't get to Rock Cartwright first.

Yahoo! already has Green Bay down as 26-0 winners at Detroit, so if that's what actually happens, look out.


THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 89 - IRON CITY POUNDERS -81


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-8) at TURD SANDWICH (8-3)

This might be the first game all year in which the Elbow were favored, but why Yahoo! thinks Thomas Jones will put up 17 points on Carolina is beyond me. In fact, Carolina is going to win this game. Also, Nate is starting the Baltimore defense, thus rooting for Ben picks, thus being a terrible person.

Turd Sandwich is going to lose this game when Schaub throws a late pick and the -2 is just enough to give the Elbow the win.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80 - TURD SANDWICH 79


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-6) at DOPPELGANGER (2-9)

Clint has now turned his helmet logo upside down, making it official that he has too much time on his hands. I'm not wasting any more time on this crap game.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 90 - DOPPELGANGER 65


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-6) at BROOKLINE BUCS (4-7)

Both of these teams suck and it's getting late.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 85 - PURPLE SWIRLS 84


WHIZ-BANG GANG (9-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-6)

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75

Monday, November 23, 2009

WVFL Week 11 Review

TURD SANDWICH 104.50 - THE NEV-R-WINS 97.00

On Monday, I tried to think of ways I could make up a 1-point deficit with Andre Johnson if Turd Sandwich had the guy who throws to Andre Johnson. Every scenario involved turnovers, gruesome injuries or both and none came to pass.

Somehow the Chargers put up 32 on Denver with Rivers only throwing for 145 and 1 touchdown. That probably hurt me a bit. That and Charger kicker Nate Kaeding scoring 15 points.

Fortunately, all the teams that could've caught me in the standings also lost, leaving The Nev-R-Wins in fourth place with two colossal matchups on deck.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 107.34 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 101.72

Rex Ryan is supposedly some defensive genius and yet Wes Welker caught 15 balls on 17 throws for 192 yards. Even late in the game, Welker would line up in the slot and be facing a linebacker who couldn't even come close to covering him. How smart do you have to be to A, see the Pats have three receivers on the field and B, figure out that it's time to put a starting corner on Welker and nickel coverage on Edelman? Jesus Christ.

Also, remember back in August when everybody appointed Chicago to the Super Bowl because they got Cutler? Well, Cutler sucks and so does that defense. Nice one, everybody.

For the first time maybe all year, Jennings had a better game than Driver and that is what cost the Pounders the win here. That and Colston only posting 7.4 in a 38-7 romp.


DEATHFROMABOVE 116.30 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 102.28

DFA has the most points in the league, six wins in a row and they faced the fewest points total so far. Even Jason Snelling put up 20 points for them this week. I would like to take this time to reiterate that DFA definitely will not win the WVFL Cup this year because that is not how fantasy football works. That is all.

Drew Brees had 3 touchdowns on only 187 yards, which has to be one of the tightest ratios in the league this year. One TD for every 60 yards is odd. The Crusaders had to start Devin Hester, but they didn't get any bonus points for Hester showing the entire world his chocolate buns.


DOPPELGANGER 78.92 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 67.56

This was not nearly as exciting as Browns/Lions. Nate managed to have two players with negative points, which is really, really hard to do. Especially considering Devery Henderson did it on -2 receiving yards and not a fumble.

All of a sudden, Steven Jackson has returned to fantasy relevance, but completely under the radar because he's doing it for terrible teams. In the NFL, the Rams. In the WVFL, Doppelganger.


BROOKLINE BUCS 119.52 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 103.22

I think mathematically, the Bucs are still alive in the playoffs, but the math would take a big whiteboard, a lot of furious scribbling and a person with a mustache and terriblr social skills. A shame too, because they actually have the sixth-most points in the league. But giving up the second-most overall can really keep a team down.

The team that's seen the most points against this season, Firerock, really blew a prime opportunity to put a stake in a playoff claim. That'll happen when Steve Breaston has no catches and your first round pick that you refused to trade only puts up 7.40.

The Rockers face Doppelganger and Turd Sandwich to close the season, and if we know anything about this fantasy game, they'll lose to Doppelganger and beat Turd Sandwich, but it'll be too late.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 112.06 - PURPLE SWIRLS 107.54

The Swirls continued their four-week running back flirtation by putting in a waiver claim for Justin Forsett and then benching him because Ladell Betts had been with the franchise longer. By one week. Well, Betts got hurt 5 yards into the game, Forsett put up 14.9 and the Swirls lost by 4.5 points. Also, Joe Flacco has sucked ever since Caulen signed him. Look for the Swirls to continue their Anne Heche-like back carousel by picking up Jim Carryman, or whoever it is that will be running for Washington this week.

The WBG have won four straight and have the third most points in the league. It doesn't even matter that they won because Rob Bironas had two 50-yard field goals, which is a total fluke. In fact, Bironas' last-second 53-yarder won the game for both the Titans and the WBG, which had 107.06 as Bironas lined up his kick. But I'm sure they're for real.

Friday, November 20, 2009

WVFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 37-23

Bad times for the picks last week. As Ben Roethlisberger can tell you, all the greats toss up a dud every once in a while. But as the guy who invented Silly Putty while trying to invent an explosive material that would kill lots of people observed, things usually bounce back. Like Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite and then felt so bad about it that he tried to end wars throughout the world could tell you, sometimes it's up to you to atone for past misdeeds.

What does all of this have to do with anything? Nothing.


THE NEV-R-WINS (6-4) at TURD SANDWICH (7-3)

All season, like I was waiting in line at a deli, I patiently bade my time until I was finally rewarded with the #1 waiver slot. To the surprise of everybody, myself included, I used that lofty perch to nab Bernard Scott.

At least Scott is facing the Raiders, so he should be good for at least 75 yards. Rice and Holmes should be fine, but I'm slightly concerned about Moss against Revis and Johnson against Cortland Finnegan. Concerned like a...sorry, I just realized I already used up my metaphor quota for the week.

Luckily for me, the Miles Austin supernova burned fast and bright, Nnamdi will shut down Ocho, Grant is going nowhere against the Niners and the Chargers will put 11 in the box with Chris Simms starting at QB, crimping Moreno's points.

Steve Smith's useless touchdown won't hurt me after all!

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 90 - TURD SANDWICH 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-6)

Matt Ryan, Hightower, Slaton and Jacobs have all been letdowns this season and this week will be no different. When the Pounders need 8 points from Slaton and Monday night and only get 7 in a 34-31 game, it will be high comedy indeed.

Jay Cutler's five-pick performance was enough to convince the Shruggz he deserved a start against a heavily-blitzing defense. I guess under the same logic a drunk driver uses after hitting a lightpost in the bar's parking lot. Probably only gonna wreck once, and that was it right there!

Maybe they were just so rattled by the Ronnie Brown season-ending injury that they've yet to recover. That would also explain picking up Robert Meachem. In fact, now that I think about it, the Shruggz are using opposing logic on Cutler and Meachem. Cutler had a terrible game last week, so he'll be good this week. Meachem caught a touchdown last week, so he'll be good this week. At least Peterson is getting the start this week.

Did you know that Dr. Lisfranc named the injury after himself? Why name the injury after yourself and not the cure? Same goes for you, Dr. Ricardo Aids.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (8-2)

Brees! Brady! Touchdown! Passes!

Yahoo! apparently doesn't think too much of interim coach Perry Fewell, as they've penciled in 24 points for Maurice Jones-Drew. They really don't think too much of Bruce Gradkowski, because a 15-point prediction for the Cincinnati defense is about the highest I've ever seen. They are basically guaranteeing either a shutout or a defensive touchdown for the Bengies.

Jamal Lewis says he's going to retire after this season, and when he's 50, he sure won't be thinking of the time in 2009 when he played in Detroit in front of 40,000 people.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 199 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 89


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-7) at DOPPELGANGER (1-9)

The Elbow being 3-7 is as improbable as some 7-on-7 coed team from Laredo winning the Texas state high football championship. Brian Robbins is probably going to make a movie about this inspirational season. The middle of Act II will feature the time Tomlinson found out his wife was pregnant and ran for two touchdowns. Fun fact: LaDanian is married to La Torsha. That kid's name is going to be La______, of this I am certain.

You know, I just realized something. This game is going to suck.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 66 - DOPPELGANGER 65


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-5) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-7)

Two people scored for the Dolphins last night: Ricky Williams and kicker/folk singer Dan Carpenter. Roddy White is questionable and Matt Forte is terrible, but Ben has vowed vengeance this week for last week LeSean McCoy is the SoLo LoBo against a bad Bears team this week. Oh, and the Rockers have a 30-point headstart.

For the Bucs, Westbrook is out at least three more weeks with a severe brain injury and Dwayne Bowe is suspended for four weeks. Bowe, incidentally, was caught using a diuretic to lose weight. That, incidentally, came after Coach Haley criticized Bowe for being overweight in camp. That, incidentally, was our first heads up that Todd Haley is a complete dick.

THE PICK: FIREROCKS ROCKERS 100 - BROOKLINE BUCS 50


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (8-2)

Every week, I call out the WBG as a fraud and then they go out and win. It's like criticizing the latest Epic Movie and watching it make $30 million in the first weekend. I've given up on that Quixotic quest and I give up on this one too. Being smarter than everybody all of the time is exhausting! You wouldn't understand.

SO...the WBG will win easy this week.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 1,000 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

Monday, November 16, 2009

WVFL Week 10 Review

I need to rededicate myself to this column and start putting in the effort again. Next week. Watching the Browns play offense sapped the life from me tonight.

THE NEV-R-WINS 104.84 - DOPPELGANGER 68.36

I don't know what Clint did to his team name, but making it upside down basically broke the internet. The Java of Stattracker can't handle the anarchist symbolism of the reverse best, so it now displays his name as ʇsəq. (UPDATE: I typed the weird character string that was displayed in Stattracker into this post and it displayed as the upside down best! Holy shit! It's like putting 55378008 into a solar calculator to spell boobless. I will now stop making fun of Clint before he empties my bank account.) How a guy that can make computers dance like this hasn't rigged a 10-0 team is beyond me.

In the beginning of a recurring theme this week, Clint could've won with the proper lineup, starting the very good Brandon Marshall instead of Coles, but at this point, what does it matter? The holidays are coming up and he has to make a snowball toss game for a client.


DEATHFROMABOVE 90-60 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74.66

In a tragic turn of events, Maurice Jones-Drew taking a knee at the 1 yesterday to run out the clock did not cost DFA the win.

A potential tragic situation that also didn't matter was Marques Colston fumbling the ball at the goal line, which led to a touchback. The 8-point swing was ultimately meaningless in this matchup, but if you didn't see it, Colston was heading straight toward a Ram defender and tried to leap over him into the endzone. Problem was, the Ram was standing straight up and knocked the ball away from Colston. For the rotten cherry on a stink sundae, the Ram defender was standing so upright that Colston easily could've bowled him over. You see a lot of dumb stuff each week with the Sunday Ticket, I assure you.


TURD SANDWICH 78.50 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 75.52

Hey, guess what? That boneheaded high jump attempt by Colston did cost a team a win. If he pounds that in, Brees gets a TD throw and the Crusaders get 4 more points and a win.

Michael Turner got just enough before spraining his ankle, Ocho continued doing nothing against the Steelers and in January, we're going to look back and realize that 45% of Miles Austin's 2009 stats came in 3 games.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 115.28 - BROOKLINE BUCS 112.50

Belichick's decision to shake his old, wrinkly balls at the country Sunday night decided three games: Pats/Colts, this one and the next one we'll get to. After the Pats turned it over on downs, the Colts marched down one-quarter of the field, Manning threw a TD, Nate got 4 more points and that sealed it.

The Bucs could've won if they had started Owens over Hines, but somehow I believe that Skip Henry would rather lose than start Owens over Hines. Chris Johnson, consider your 35 points straight wasted.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 99.96 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 87.56

And Manning's game-winning throw went to Reggie Wayne, putting the Cincinnati Whiz-Bengal Gang over the Rockers. Nate Burleson put up a 0, and I know for a fact he actually played in that game.

Matt Forte had only 41 rushing yards, but 120 receiving yards. So, at the same time, he is a bad back for Chicago, but also their best receiver. Why aren't they a better team? The Cincy flu kept Ben down and Dallas Clark was quintuple-teamed by the Pats. The Rockers got a remarkable 19 points from the kicker spot, but the problem is, they have two kickers and can only play one at a time. Why a team would have two kickers is a question for somebody else. Like TK, mainly.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 73.80 - PURPLE SWIRLS 70.40

So the Shruggz forgot to get a QB who didn't have a bye this week, forgot to start the #1 overall pick and said in the smack booth that they forgot to set the lineup for all three of their teams this week. A, how does somebody who has three teams forget that football is played on Sunday, and B, how does that team end up winning?

The loss drops Caulen back to 8th, and if he ends up missing the playoffs, this will be one to think about. This matchup saw four different guys post 20+, but two of them were on the bench. Both of them were Vikings.

Guys, here's a tip. Get your players into the lineup when they're facing the Lions. Also if they're the #1 overall pick.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

WVFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 35-19

The minutae of life is starting to interfere with the picks. Friday was a busy day at work, so I couldn't write. Last night, after dealing with yardwork and the kid, I decided I'd rather drink wine and watch Austin City Limits than make pithy picks. This morning, I am hungover on said wine, but with a stunning 35-19 record on the season, I gotta put something up here!

(Seriously, 35-19?!?)

THE NEV-R-WINS (5-4) at DOPPELGANGER (1-8)

I am going to win, even though Clint actually has a full lineup for this one. But it's going to be closer than I prefer thanks to Favre and Steven Jackson. If I'm leading after Sunday night, I will be sorely tempted to flirt with my good juju and bench Ray Rice Monday night in a type of victory lap.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 99 - DOPPELGANGER 91


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (7-2)

When the afternoon games finish, the Pounders will be up something like 85-60 and things will be looking great. Then Brady, Maroney and Stover will take the field in the evening game.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 86 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 85


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-4) at TURD SANDWICH (6-3)

It gets a little tougher for the Crusaders this week, having to face a full lineup and all. It gets ven tougher when you realize Hester and Davis played Thursday and only put up 6 points.

I'm calling Carolina over Atlanta today, so limit Turner's points, Ocho won't score points for talking to Ike Taylor all day and Ryan Grant sucks this year.

If Belichick coached the Saints, Brees might throw 9 TDs today. But seeing as how Sean Payton has normal human emotions, he'll probably only squeeze off 4.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 71 - TURD SANDWICH 69


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-7) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-6)

In an unfortunate coincidence, the Raiders are also playing the Chiefs today. Games like that go one of two ways. A 10-6 punting clinic...or a 31-28 shootout decided in the last minute.

Andy Reid has said Westbrook and McCoy will rotate series, which is another awful decision by Andy Reid. Was a stopwatch counting down when he made that choice? Did he feel rushed? Yahoo! predicts an astounding 24 points for Chris Johnson. That is astoundingly outstanding.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 90 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 85


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-4) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (7-2)

The Rockers got a 16-point head start thanks to the Niners' complete inability to cover swing screens. It looked like the Bears were running those plays in practice, the way it was just Forte and a lineman in space.

In short, all of the matchups are good for Firerock and bad for the fraudalent WBG.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 81


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-4) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-6)

The Shruggz had the great foresight to bench Cutler before his Thursday night pickfest...but their other QB is Eli Manning, who has a bad. As bad as Cutler was, his 7 points are still better than 0. 75 minutes before kickoff and Chris Mortensen is reporting that the Shruggz have picked up Matt Cassel. Since Mort is reporting it, I know it's wrong.

On NFL Network, the remarkably cute and elfin Lindsay Soto is reporting that our league locked down waivers like we do every Sunday, so the Shruggz are screwed. Guess they're running the wildcat today.

So, Caulen, can you beat a team with no quarterback? Not no quarterback in the Raiders' sense, but literally no quarterback? Will Ladell Betts be the key after your affair with Ryan Moats fizzled out so quickly? And, like me, would you enjoy sex with Lindsay Soto?

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 101 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71

Monday, November 9, 2009

WVFL Week 9 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 112.56 - BROOKLINE BUCS 74.96

Randy Moss' stiff arm on Vontae Davis pretty much summed up this one. If you missed it, Moss caught a crossing route, jammed Davis in the facemask with an open palm and trotted home for a 73-yard score.

Austin Collie did not stiff arm anybody in the face and only put up 2.6 points. Chris Johnson could've run for 315 yards instead of 135, and it still wouldn't have been enough.

The Nev-R-Wins came out of the bye week fiasco with their sixth 100+ point game in eight tries and seem like they should not be trifled with under most circumstances.


TURD SANDWICH 101.64 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 82.80

Matt Schaub put up a lot of points from somebody who was brutally awful in the first half and Miles Austin only had one catch and Antonio Gates dropped two easy first downs and Ocho is going to be suspended for life jokingly bribing an official and Knowshon had 3 yards rushing against the Steelers. All these bad things, and the Turds still ran away with it.

As I pointed out Friday, Jamaal Charles still has to run behind the line that could never spring Larry Johnson. Lots of things are entirely Larry Johnson's fault, but the weak Chiefs rushing game is not one of them. That is only partially his fault.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 105.80 - DOPPELGANGER 53.80

Thanks to Tyrone Carter and the Steelers defense, it didn't matter, but I still want to bring this up. Doppelganger started Favre, Braylon and Steven Jackson, all of whom had byes. If he started Romo, Gore and Marshall - three guys SITTING ON HIS BENCH - he would've scored 101.78. Actually, it's a good thing Tyrone Carter scored that defensive TD, or else I'd be writing another 10,000 words about Doppelganger right here.

I'm glad I don't have to, because I play them this week and don't need the karmic sword of Damocles hanging over my head all week.

The Crusaders remind me of something I saw Thursday night at the Kings/Penguins game. The Kings have a "Hero of the Night" tribute before each game. A serviceman is introduced and gets to stand next to the anthem singer. During a break in the second period, they start talking about this sailor again and the crowd starts cheering. They cut to a shot of him in the stands and the crowd goes wild. The sailor stands...and then unfurls a towel that reads LET'S GO PENS. The crowd pauses for a second, wonders what to do when a hero betrays you, and then starts booing.

Like that brave sailor, the Crusaders took advantage of an opportunity that was presented to them.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 95.54 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 72.22

I guess I'm going to keep talking about it until people notice, but the WBG is a fraud. Just like I'm going to keep saying Andy Reid is an idiot until everbody notices. WHY ARE YOU CHALLENGING THE SPOT IF YOU'RE GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN ANYWAY?!?

Every week, two players seem to go off for the Whizzers and it's two different guys every week. Eventually, none of their players will have a 77-yard touchdown, and they will get crushed.

Antonio Bryant didn't play this week for some mysterious reason. This is a little convoluted, but...if Nate dropped him for Chris Chambers, then dropped the Bears defense (facing a high-octane Cardinals team) for a defense like Tennessee or Cincinnati...he would've won.


PURPLE SWIRLS 111.70 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 79.32

TK putting up his lowest total of the season so his son could win and stay in the playoff hunt is fishier than George W. being handed control of an oil company with no experience in anything.

Though unlike GWB, who ran Arbusto into the ground because he couldn't find oil in Texas, Caulen won this game on his own. Fitzgerald continued his trend of huge games when Boldin is out and Mike Sims-Walker put up 20 points of his own.

Ryan Moats fumbled going out of bounds at the 1-yard line late in the first half, and even though he scored a touchdown later, he basically gave his job right back to Steve Slaton.


DEATHFROMABOVE 96.68 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71.84

DeSean Jackson has something like six touchdowns of 50+ yards this season, but he only had 2.9 this week. That counts as a minor upset.

Mike Wallace scored 13.2 points and pretty much cemented Limas Sweed's roller coaster ride from steal of the draft to bust of the year.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

WVFL Week 9 Review

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 30-18

THE NEV-R-WINS (4-4) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-5)

Although it would be like me to lose this one and end up with the same record as a team with a 100 fewer points, I'm not too worried about. Skip Henry hasn't changed his anti-smack post from last week, and it's probably more fitting for this matchup. My main concern is the the Baltimore-Cincinnati doesn't end up 10-7, since I have both backs in that game. But I picked up John Carlson as a fill-in TE this week, and I'm sure he's dying to stick it to Scott Henry one last time. One last breakup screw.

The Niner defense isn't as easy to stretch out as the Jaguars, so it's unlikely Chris Johnson will more more 115-yard touchdown runs this week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 110 - BROOKLINE BUCS 78


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-3) at TURD SANDWICH (5-3)

Seems like every week now we have two first place teams squaring. Although with five teams currently tied for the top spot, maybe this one isn't so special. Plus, how can any game with Jamaal Charles involved be special? I know he inherited the starting job by default, but that starting job is still in Kansas City.

Turd Sandwich might be holding on to that Jets defense through the bye week because, hey, it's better to start no defense than drop Tashard Choice. I guess. Despite Roy Williams' thoughts on the matter, Miles Austin is the #1 receiver in Dallas, but Philly should bottle him up. Steve Smith is still the #1 receiver in Carolina, but that's more of an honorarium at this point.

Between Ryan, Gonzalez and Turner, the Redskin defense is going to have a lot to say about who wins this one.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 75 - IRON CITY POUNDER 70


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-4) at DOPPELGANGER (1-7)

Here's what's interesting about Doppelganger. Favre, Braylon and Steven Jackson all have a bye this week, which looks bad for them. But sitting on the bench ready to play are Gore, Romo and Brandon Marshall. This team has a lot of name players, but the fewest points and wins.

Seems weird. A little too weird. You know what? I'm calling this one for the Doppeldogs*.

*Depends on Clint actually changing his lineup for the game.

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 100 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 90


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-6) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (6-2)

About the most interesting in this game is the teams' inverse records, so I'm going to use them to predict an inverse game. The end.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 98 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 89


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-4)

Kress relatives play each other in our league about as often as two first place teams do, so I don't think the entire family is gathering to watch this one. Caulen won the Ryan Moats waiver wire race, but will ultimately lose when Moats doesn't score three more TDs all season. He also doesn't have a TE this week because he'd rather have two defenses on his roster. To each his own.

The Rockers have three inconsistent backs and one rookie receiver who is a complete all or nothing propostion each week.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 88 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 80


DEATHFROMABOVE (6-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-5)

I have to take the kid to gymnastics right now. No time for pithy analysis.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 121 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

WVFL Week 8 Review

WHIZ-BANG GANG 98.38 - THE NEV-R-WINS 81.66

The WBG's 6-2 record couldn't be any more fraudalent if it was based in Nigeria. And wasn't Reggie Wayne supposed to be hurt or something?

Justin Fargas was almost the bye week FA pick up of the century, but unfortunately for the Nev-R-Wins, Felix Jones most definitely was not. Neither was Josh Scobee, who actually had a PAT blocked and only netted 1 point.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 79.76 - DOPPELGANGER 73.44

Caulen pointed out that a late Mike Bell fumble cost Doppelganger a shot at a win. It also cost a lot of people a Saints -10 cover in their betting pools. People like me. But what mainly cost Clint a win here was benching Steven Jackson, who had 22 points, compared to Bell's 2 and Lance Moore's 1. Why somebody would bench their FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK against the Lions is a mystery that will never, ever be solved, not even if Clint told us personally why he did it.

The Pounders beat a team that benched their first round draft pick against the Lions by scoring 79 points to move to 5-3. Congratulations. That will certainly soothe the sting of Steve Slaton putting up -0.9 and possibly losing his job.


BROOKLINE BUCS 100.78 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 87.70

The giving up on fantasy football hypothesis has already graduated to a theory, and with the Bucs' big win this week, it's on the verge of becoming law. On Friday last, Scoot Henry wrote "Good lord, I'm going to get smoked" in his smack talk window, that being the very antithesis of smack talk. He then went out and pinned up 100 points, even with starting Heath Miller on a bye and Brian Westbrook, who was declared out of the game sometime last week. The 40 points from Chris Johnson had a lot to do with it. I recommend the rest of you give up as soon as possible.

Shame that the Crusaders wasted the first good game from Greg Jennings.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 90.68 - THE PURPLE SWIRLS 72.60

Another strategy teams should consider is not starting a tight end and playing at least one guy ruled out due to injury. The Elbow also did that this week with Winslow and Manningham and also won. 26 defensive points and one last blast from The Bullet Train carried the day.

35 Monday night points from Pierre Thomas and the Saints defense put some window dressing on this one, but it was never really close after 1:01pm Sunday.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 99.46 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68.28

Hey, everybody! It's Matt Forte! Where have you been, man? The party started eight weeks ago.

Three guys showed up to play for the Shruggz and the rest were basically useless. Look for super producers Manning, Peterson and Celek to go on strike next week in protest, punishing the world by removing their contributions from society.


DEATHFROMABOVE 111.96 - TURD SANDWICH 90.52

Well, now we know who has the best team in the league. At this point, all I can do is reiterate my prediction that DFA definitely will not win the title.

Friday, October 30, 2009

WVFL Week 8 Preview

LAST WEEK: 4-2
SEASON 28-14

Apropos of nothing, somebody at work had a bag of Jolly Ranchers on her desk today. I asked if any Fire Ranchers were in there. She had never heard of such a thing. A second born and raised left coaster concurred, with both intimating that I was possibly insane. I shifted confections to Zagnut bars, and then they started to look at me like I said I enjoyed sugared alligator dicks. Zagnuts? What are those? Well, you know a Clark bar? No. At this point, I fell over.

Are we really so provincial in our sweet treats? No wonder we can't agree on the proper levels of healthcare for everybody when we don't even share our regional candies. And hot damn, could I go for a Zagnut bar right now.

Speaking of regional treats, my Minnesota friends occasionally go home and score me a Salted Nut Roll. It's a bar made of salted peanuts bound into a bar by a thin layer of caramel and hidden down the middle of the whole thing is that white nougat stuff you find inside caramel creams. Man, it's good.


THE NEV-R-WINS (4-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-2)

The ultimate test of my 2009 fantasy karma on multiple levels. The WBG is in first, I could pass them with a win. I put in for Beanie Wells on waivers, the WBG got him. Mario Manningham is probably out, setting the stage for Steve Smith vs. Hakeem Nicks. And lastly, with the byes, I need a lot of luck from Felix Jones and Justin Fargas.

Reggie Wayne's succulent groin is achy this week, so maybe he'll be held back a bit once Indy is up 14-0 in the first quarter. Rodgers will probably be strip-sacked twice by Jared Allen and Larry Johnson was ceremoniously released (they hired a band) after calling the entire Whiz-Bang Gang front office fags.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 79 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-3) at DOPPELGANGER (1-6)

The world was stunned this morning when they learned that Doppelganger had dropped LenDale White for Lance Moore, two days after changing kickers. After five straight losses, at least three of which involved unused roster spots, what was the impetus for the change? It was like watching a napping housecat suddenly wake up and pounce on a dustball across the room. Sometimes we must just accept things without asking why.

Thing is, if Steven Jackson is put in at W/R, this game is going to end up being pretty close. In fact...

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 91 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 88


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-3) at BROOKLINE BUCS (2-5)

Replacing a kicker on a bye is easy, putting in Crabtree for Hines is easy, but will Skip Henry cut Heath, Carson or Bowe for a fill-in tight end? It remains to be seen whether a 2-5 team decides to fill out a roster, hold on to hometown favorites or simply realize the whole thing is futile. And there's basically no way Westbrook is playing one week after being kneed in the head, so let's just go ahead and call it futile.

So, thanks to Brookline leaking oil all over the driveway, it won't even matter that with Jennings, Hester, Addai and Barber, the Crusaders have four starters on the Dover Disappointments.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 88 - BROOKLINE BUCS - 12


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-6) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-3)

All young brothers have fought since there wasn't enough mammoth meat to go around. The Baldwins used to have tag-team wrestling matches in the backyard, but it was 3-on-1 against Stephen, with Alec, Billy and Daniel taking turns hitting little Stevie in the head with a folding chair. Which explains a lot about why Stephen Baldwin is how he is.

But can anybody in this league picture Nate and Caulen really going at it? At WORST, I can see Caulen writing a 1:38 long punk song about Nate being a dick for stealing his sweater and Nate writing a novella about a a kid who was hit by a truck after using the Roenick NHL '94 wraparound one too many times.

This battle will be similarly uncompelling.

Hey! This game has two Pierres in it!

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80


FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-4)

Oh man, the Ricky and Ronnie show gets really interesting in this one, with Ricky the Rocker and Ronnie the shRugger. Every time Ronnie gives it on an end around to Ricky is practically double points for Firerock.

If Forte doesn't get going against Cleveland, TK might as well cut him out of principle, but McCoy could pick up some of the slack.

For the Shruggz, Walter is doing nothing, Boldin is limping around and Eli has a bad foot. Can Adrian Peterson do enough damage in Lambeau to carry his fake team? Probably not.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66


TURD SANDWICH (5-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)

The last time DFA was involved in a 1 vs. 2 showdown for league supremacy, the game ended up being a 69-62 turd sandwich. Now they are actually playing Turd Sandwich in another 1 vs 2 juggersmash.

I read a report two weeks that said Seahawks doctors are injecting painkillers directly into Matt Hasselbeck's still-broken ribs, but it's still incredibly painful for him to breathe. This teaches us two things. One, Seneca Wallace is terrible and two, Hasselbeck probably won't do much this week. Plus, Vincent Jackson is probably going to be Nnamdied this week.

So Turd Sandwich, almost by default, with Miles Austin and Percy Harvin as receivers and Michael Turner and Ryan Grant doing nothing in the backfield, will move into first place by themselves this week. Unless...hmm. What if Schaub struggles in the Buffalo weather Sunday? Hmm.

It seems I'm not entirely sure who will win this game, but I am sure of one thing. Miles Austin is going to have 2 catches for 27 yards.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 52 - TURD SANDWICH 49

Monday, October 26, 2009

WVFL Week 7 Review

I am sick. Caught the bear flu. Wicked new strain coming out of Nova Scotia. While it does lead to impressive phlegm cohesion, it does not lead to good comedy. Let's see what happened this week.

THE NEV-R-WINS 106.82 - THE PURPLE SWIRLS 81.54

I have reached a Zen state in my life and things are going well. When the Tea Partiers screamed against healthcare for all, I stopped reading the news. Now a bill with a public option has been submitted in Congress. When my team opened up this season 0-3, I stopped caring about fantasy football, and now I'm 4-3 after four straight 100+ point games. Only by letting go can you grab what you want.

But I still am not that confident. Though as if to remind me that the Fates are still in charge, I dropped Darren Sproles for Leon Washington on Friday. I was out of town and used my phone to do so, that's how badly I wanted to make the move. Not only was that a 15-point mistake, Washington broke his leg so severely that the fibula pierced his skin and he's out for the rest of the season.

This loss knocks Caulen out of the playoffs for now. Fortunately for him, no kicker was putting up 26 points this week, so his refusal to drop Mike Sims-Walker will never prove to be pound wise, penny foolish.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 97.82 - BROOKLINE BUCS 47.54

Why I do even bother?? uttered a faint voice in the night. Now that Scott Henry has let loose this koan, his team will rip off four straight wins of their own. Actually, probably not, since he has the wrong Dallas Austin. He has Austin Collie, he wants Miles Austin.

The Pounders won by 50 and they didn't even crack 100. What else do you want me to say about them?


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110.22 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 102.84
The WBG needed 11 points from Chris Cooley on Monday night to win. What they got instead was a knee injury. When Cooley was being carted off the field, we saw that his hair was freshly dyed a light yellow. Not blond. He looked like Yahoo Serious. The Whiz-Bang Gang did not deserve 11 points from such a person. This team has now scored 60 and won and 102 and lost. Some year.

0.7 from Bradshaw. 4.8 from Barber. 2.3 from Breaston. 5.2 from Jennings, who has been incredibly disappointing this season. How did the Crusaders end up winning this game, anyway? Oh, that's right. Alex Smith came into the game down 21-0 and promptly threw three touchdowns to Vernon Davis.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 106.20 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 72.70

The Elbow's one-game winning streak was snapped in brutal fashion, despite Tomlinson's best rushing output of the year. 71 yards. Speaking of San Diego, we were down there this weekend to visit the Zoo and Wild Animal Park and even though we stayed in the restaurant- and bar-stuffed Gaslamp District, I have a kid, so I was stuck watching hotel TV Saturday night. I ended up watching Beer League. The acting is brutal, the dialogue is elementary-level, the whole thing is terrible and maybe one thing made me laugh. It reminded me of the Elbow in a lot of ways.

Matt Forte, the #5 overall pick in our league, had 4.9 points.


DEATHFROMABOVE 123.62 - DOPPELGANGER 59.74

By 0.06 points, this is our Toyota Blowout of the Week, ending Firerock's five-week run in the commercial spotlight. Doppelganger started two guys on a bye, including a kicker, and Tony Romo had 27 points by himself. I cannot overstate how much I am looking forward to my Week 10 matchup with this team.

Tom Brady, DeSean Jackson and Darren Sproles alone would've been enough to give DFA the win in this one.


TURD SANDWICH 150.26 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 86.52

One week after Nate wondered if my 143 was a league record, Turd Sandwich, aka Usain Bolt, throws up 150. Gates had 5.5, Tashard Choice had 2.3 and everybody else was well into double digits, including Nate Kaeding. Even Ryan Grant finally showed up for a game.

I was wrong about Brent Celek needing 4 points Monday night for a Shruggz win. Turns out, he needed 74.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

WVFL Week 7 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 24-12

We are heading down to San Diego tomorrow so I can talk to Darren Sproles and see if I should start him this week. Okay, we're actually heading down to go the zoo and the wild animal park, which I assume is just a different where you could maybe be eaten.

So this week's preview is going to be quick and businesslike, much like my dispatching the Rockers last week.


THE NEV-R-WINS (3-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-2)

I tried to trade Donovan McNabb to Caulen this week because his QB is on a bye. Then I remembered we were playing each other and frantically booted up the computer along the coffee maker in order to cancel the trade. By the time I was logged on, Caulen had already rejected the trade because he was going to pick up Chad Henne. I'm not sure what this says about either one of us, but I am sure that McNabb will have 30 points this week and Henne will have -2.

I like all of my matchups except for Sproles, who will either have two touchdowns or two touches. Carnell Williams and Donald Brown have nice matchups for Caulen, but they split carries. Plus, Tampa is playing in London, so Williams has to deal with the exchange rate. It's hard to fear Henne when he's only on the field for 65% of his team's snaps.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 101 - PURPLE SWIRLS 88


IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-3) at BROOKLINE BUCS (2-4)

Matt Ryan is going to sit back and pick apart Dallas, while it's entirely possible that Warner is hit so hard that Leinart comes into the game. The main thing about this matchup is that it'll come down to Monday with Westbrook against Moss.

On one side, a coach who only called 14 runs against the league's worst run defense. On the other, an organization falling apart in a way Washington hasn't seen in at least two years. While Brookline is yelling for more screens to Westbrook, the Pounders will be yelling for Todd Collins, who at least throws deep occasionally.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 85 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 78


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-1)

On NFL Total Access today, Joey Porter said Miami's gameplan this week is to try and shut down the run and force Drew Brees to hit his targets. If that's the truth, the Crusaders are going to be ringing up points like they're playing pinball.

Thing is, with Rodgers going against Cleveland, the WBG should keep pace.

Thing is, Rodgers needs to keep the ball away from Jennings, because those would be Crusader points.

Thing is, he has been.

Thing is, Mendenhall isn't going too far against Minnesota.

Thing is, I've worn out this angle.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 103


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-5) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-3)

Well, we know which game is going to be on the Toyota ad come Tuesday. It'll be like watching somebody beat their kid in the auto maintenance aisle at Wal-Mart. Actually, I only said that because Firerock has five straight Toyota games. I think this one will be close.

I also think the Elbow will win. Again.

Manning and Jones have dream matchups, Lynch against Carolina isn't terrible and The Bullet Train should find his way back into the end zone against the Chiefs.

Whereas Portis and Forte will struggle, Maclin is an all or nothing player and Maroney will do nothing just because this is the week it seems like he'll do something.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 105 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 89


DOPPELGANGER (1-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-2)

If you think bye weeks can't hurt a man, let me introduce you to the team starting Justin Fargas and Beanie Wells at RB. Of course, nobody actually thinks that about bye weeks. Everybody knows they're trouble, I was just creating a straw man as a literary device.

Clint, on the other hand, has created a straw man as a fantasy team. Proving for the one millionth time that luck and timing are 95% of fantasy football, DFA fields their weakest lineup the same week they face Doppelganger.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 71 - DOPPELGANGER 40


TURD SANDWICH (4-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-3)

Right now, Adrian Peterson has the 4th most fantasy points. Three quarterbacks are ahead of him and one of them is...Matt Schaub. Nothing else really stands out in this game, so it's mainly going to be decided by which player delivers an unexpected 20-pointer.

I am been tuned in on Shruggz games this season for some reason, so I feel like I need to dazzle them once again. How about this? The Shruggz will need 4.2 points from Brent Celek on Monday night to win...and only get 3.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 95 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 94

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

WVFL Week 6 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 143.06 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 83.98

You mathheads can take your ruuuuuuules and shove them. The two negatives of either the Nev-R-Wins or Rockers appearing in the Toyota ad should've created the positive of neither team getting blown out. Instead, things went haywire and I put up the highest total of the season, the anti-matter of fantasy football.

Ray Rice is rewarded both my foresight in drafting him and my patience is not shipping him to Panama when McGahee stole his early season touchdowns.

This may be the season where my crazy hex luck finally reverses, evidenced by Matt Forte's 4 points and terrible season after my trade offers for him were denied. And that would be the Higgs Boson of fantasy football.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 122.72 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 105.90

Larry is trying for the West View Triple Crown. He's currently leading the WVFL, his WVHL division and the Gatekeeper league. I have known Larry for 20 years now (oh God!) and I can assure you that this would be the greatest achievement of his life.

DeAngelo Williams finally did something this week and the WBG needed every bit he had to pull out the win. Brandon Jacobs did nothing this week and the Pounders needed a lot more from him.


PURPLE SWIRLS 112.20 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 102.86

Well, Josh Scobee did not actually decide this game. And the Crusaders won't do any Tuesday morning quarterbacking after a close loss because their entire bench had a bye, so no problems with the lineup. Except for Greg Jennings' 6.40 points. Wasn't he supposed to be good this year or something?

The Swirls are 4-2 with the 10th most points in the league. They're about to exposed like that weird UFO balloon family in Colorado. Unless Owen Daniels keeps scoring two TDs a week.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 101.76 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90.82

This year, I've picked the Lions to beat the Redskins in one pool and I picked the Elbow to win this game. Asking me to choose a favorite upset pick would be like asking Mr. and Mrs. Emanuel to pick a favorite son. The Hollywood superagent, the White House Chief of Staff or the world-respected surgeon?

This game features career bests from Thomas Jones and Wes Welker, but the career normal average game from Reggie Bush did the Shruggz.

By the way, please nobody bring Nate down off of his cloud by mentioning that if the Shruggz started Cutler instead of Eli, they would've won by 2.

Side Trivia - Reggie Bush and Vince Young were the #2 and #3 picks in the same draft. No, seriously!


DEATHFROMABOVE 129.00 - BROOKLINE BUCS 118.24

DFA took to the skies after being grounded the last two weeks and the Bucs lost despite posting their highest total of the season. If only that dang John Carlson could've done more than 5.5 points. Cleveland's decision to leave Hines Ward uncovered didn't pay off for them, but Coach Dickface's decision to have Tom Brady gunning up 45-0 paid off for DFA, as Brady racked up 39.20 points.

Somehow Sammy Morris only got 0.9 of the 59 points New England put up. And Willis McGahee, your days of usefulness are over.


TURD SANDWICH 93.88 - DOPPELGANGER 74.92

The most impressive thing Clint has done this season is figured out how to make his team name totally invisible and unclickable. Other than that, it's been a lot of single-digit efforts.

Man, I'm so old, I remember when Steve Smith was good.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

WVFL Week 6 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 19-11

THE NEV-R-WINS (2-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (3-2)
The two teams that have been in the Toyota Blowout of the Week the first five weeks finally meet, ensuring that neither will end up sponsoring Toyota this week. Another irony will come if the difference in this game is Matt Forte doing nothing, since I tried to trade for him twice.

McNabb and Roethlisberger will both go off, pretty much cancelling each other out. Both defenses face pathetic offenses and both receiving corps are primed for action. In the twist of the century (admittedly, the century is only 9 years old), this game will be decided by Cedric Benson. But in a good way. That's the twist.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 115 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 110


IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-2) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (4-1)

Vegas loves the WBG after last week when they won $98 million dollars on the WBG and DFA staying under 180 combined points. Shoot, they almost stayed under 100 combined points.

This week, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Slaton vie for the disappointing back of season non-award, while Rodgers tries to see if he can double Ryan's total. Between Lynch being back, the Jets defense and the Bills down to their 13th offensive lineman, Fred Jackson will do nothing. But for the Pounders, Jacobs has been doing nothing.

What a stinky game. Stick with the WBG, I guess.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 85 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 76


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-2) at PURPLE SWIRLS (3-2)

Due to our, ahem, colorful commissioner, the bye weeks and short bench are starting to take an effect on teams. The Swirls and Crusaders this week held negotiations about possibly benching the Swirls kicker because the Crusader kicker was on a bye. This is like early years ABA stuff we're talking here. In the end, the Crusaders dropped Garrard for Josh Scobee, who will almost certainly have 15 points this week and decide the game.

The game of the week, Giants/Saints is well-represented here, with four different players in the lineups. The Crusaders are hoping it's another melee in the Superdome, as they have three of them.

If Greg Jennings is going to get going, this is the week. If Carnell Williams is going to get going, this would have to be 2006 again.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 88 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 71


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-5) at ATLAST SHRUGGZ (3-2)

The Elbow and Titans are both 0-5, but only one of those is a surprise. Both teams have quarterback issues, both teams have a disappointing #2 back, both teams have a defense not as good as everybody assumed, both teams have iffy receiving corps, only one team is led by a mustachioed man and both teams are going to lose this week.

The Shruggz have a defense on the roster, Cincinnati, but as of now, they're benching them. What a slap in the face to Nate. You know what, Nate is my friend. I like him so much that we remained friends after he proved a clear inferiority in cookie selection.

I'm reversing course and tabbing this game my EIGHT-STAR UPSET SPECIAL OF THE SEASON!

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 83 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81


BROOKLINE BUCS (2-3) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-2)

The Bucs have gone L-W-L-W-L and Deathfromabove has gone W-W-W-L-L. I am great at the pattern detection part of the SATs and IQ tests, so I'm going with the Bucs in this one.

When I see Sammy Morris and McGahee (vs. MIN), and realize that both Jacksons will be covered by two of the best corners in the game, my pick is just reinforced.

Johnson should be able to run on New England, assuming the Titans aren't down 28-10 early, Westbrook will most definitely score on the Raiders and the Chiefs are going to beat the Redskins on a 4th quarter Dwayne Bowe touchdown. Book it, Danny.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 92 - DEATHFROMABOVE 77


DOPPELGANGER (1-4) at TURD SANDWICH (3-2)





As for Turd Sandwich, they just have the better lineup.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 110 -

Monday, October 12, 2009

WVFL Week 5 Review

Another 5-1 week for the picks. That's now two weeks of 5-1 and three weeks of 3-3. I'm nothing if not consistenly inconsistent.

THE NEV-R-WINS 112.06 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 98.96

With Rivers out, I was between picking up McNabb or Favre, and seeing that four teams needed a QB fill-in, used my high waiver priority to get McNabb. If I ended up with Favre, I lose this game by 0.38 points and surely write the longest review rant of all time. But instead, something I did in fantasy football actually worked out. Sorry Mayans, looks like your prediction for the end of the world was off by three years. But hey, great job without telescopes, you guys.

On the one hand, I feel bad that Nate has averaged 65 points a game and lost the one game in which he finally put up some offense. The one in which Kellen Winslow put up six games' worth of points. On the other hand, I desperately needed a win and Nate's unlovable bunch of losers aren't going anywhere, so I don't give a shit.

And it's no surprise the Elbow went off this week. I have the highest points against by 34 points. I've had 122 more points against me than DFA has had. I have the 3rd most points in this league and I'm in 9th place. I'll take whatever win I can get.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 93.36 - PURPLE SWIRLS 68.24

Can somebody check the math on the Pounders box score? How does a team with a 5, 4.4, 5.5 and 4 end up with 93 points. Yeah, I see Ryan and Minnesota were good, but geez. Also, the Giants put up 44 points, but Brandon Jacobs only had 7.5? Is he no longer their #1 back?

Bad performances for the Pounders didn't matter so much because the bad performances for the Swirls were more numerous. And also worse. Cadillac Williams' 1.6 is a surprise because it was so high, and Mike Sims-Walker being a healthy scratch for violating team rules could've been much more devastating (and hilarious!) if the entire Swirls team wasn't with him in spirit.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 143.28 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 65.22

This will make four straight trips into the Toyota zone for the Rockers with them getting top billing in the last two. And if LeSean McCoy wasn't invisible this week, it could've been even more ridiculous. Ben dominated as expected, Roddy White dominated way more than anybody expected and even Housh showed up, which was unexpected.

It's hard to get too down on a team that started two empty slots, but without Ahmad Bradshaw's big day, this would've been a 100-point loss. And it doesn't get much more down than that.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 62.88 - DEATHFROMABOVE 47.10

You will not find a clearer example of the injustice and luck of fantasy football than the Whiz-Bangers putting up 62 points against what was the highest-scoring team in the league...putting up the 2nd lowest total in the league this week against the first place team...getting 1 total point from Mason, Cooley and Miami combined...and winning. Excuse me, and FUCKING winning.

DFA got clipped by a missile from Caulen last week and hit the ground at 300 mph this week. Pieces of the tail were found 250 miles away. Calvin Johnson, Desean Jackson and McGahee had 0.5 points COMBINED. That is a single 5-yard run. Tom Brady's 14.5 was the only double digit total. The Colts' 9 points was the second best total. Just a gruesome scene, with no trace of human remains.

By the way, the WBG have allowed 79, 79 and 47 points during this 3-game rise to the top. You want to crown their ass? Crown their ass! Me, I'll wait and see.


STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 104.94 - BROOKLINE BUCS 86.38

The Hawks had the good backs, the Bucs had the good receivers. Thing is, the good back were more in number and they were better.

John Carlson has not done a damn thing since scoring 20+ from the bench in Week 1, which is a weird way of rewarding Skip Henry for four straight starts. Tennessee's plummet back to Earth at terminal velocity is really taking a lot of the value off of Chris Johnson.

Matt Schaub only lost 2 fantasy points for floating a sideline pass that was intercepted and returned for the game-winning touchdown with two minutes left. Fantasy and Reality do not meet at this intersection, friend. This is Fantasy and Ridiculousness. Reality is five blocks south.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 96.46 - DOPPELGANGER 93.94

When you're 2-3, have given up the most points in the league, are completely self-absorbed and also whiny, you tend to look for things to complain about. Fortunately, in the WVFL, you don't have to look far. Take this game for instance, in which Atlas Shruggz moved to 3-2.

Clint, who checks his team every week, as judged by the constantly-morphing logos and names, did not care enough to enough to cut Greg Olsen for a fill-in tight end during Chicago's bye week. Nine different tight free agent tight ends had more than 3 points this week, enough to give Doppelganger the win.