Thursday, September 10, 2009

WVFL Week 1 Preview

LAST SEASON: 58-38

LAST WEEK: What are you, an idiot?

I was going to hold off the preview until Friday and just chalk up the Thursday night kickoff as a sunk cost, but then I received two separate queries as to where the preview was. (You lie!) Aww, you guys.

So here we go!

THE NEV-R-WINS (0-0) at DEATHFROMABOVE (0-0)

Last year, DFA ran a Sunday afternoon sortie on me in Week 1, turning my team headquarters into rubble. Marques Colston was killed by shrapnel in the bombing. It set the tone for a terrible season and dropped me to 0-2-1 in the last three openers.

This year, that all changes! Maybe. Maybe not. But this game has all the markings of a high-powered shootout. Despite what Yahoo thinks, Cedric Benson has a dream matchup against an atrocious Denver defense. In fact, I’m picking Cincy as a sleeper this year. A defense that’s much better than anybody realizes and the offense should be back. Ray Rice’s matchup against Kansas City is even creamier.

DFA isn’t exactly lacking firepower, either, though with no offensive coordinator and a 14-year old left tackle, don’t expect Fred Jackson to do much against the Bradys.

This matchup is going to come down to both Monday night tilts and in an odd fashion. Phillip Rivers for me will be throwing to Vincent Jackson for him, and Tom Brady for him will be throwing to Randy Moss for me. Lucky for me, Rivers has other options.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 110 – DEATHFROMABOVE 105

IRON CITY POUNDERS (0-0) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (0-0)

Pretty much metric a person can think of indicates that the Falcons will descend to Earth this season after an 11-5 2008. Whether gently or nose first remains to seen. Conversely, every metric a person can think indicates that Drew Brees will put up at least 25 fantasy points on the Lions.

Fortunately for the Pounders, some of the points should go to Colston, which will be a salve on the wound. Steve Slaton should struggle against the surprisingly good Jets defense, and Terrell Owens will probably have slammed his helmet so hard he cracks it by the Bills’ third punt in the first quarter. And Tim Hightower sucks.

Jacksonville is falling apart, but Addai is too, so who knows how that one turns out. Yahoo projecting 10 more points for these teams than mine is more disgusting than hearing a California state rep talk about his jizz dripping out of an energy lobbyist as she walks up the stairs.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 88 – IRON CITY POUNDER 75

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (0-0) at STRINGFELLOW HAWKS (0-0)

I try to exaggerate for comedic effects at times, but sometimes I can’t get wide enough of the truth no matter how hard I try. As I joked in the season preview, Nate did not actually know who Antonio Bryant’s quarterback is. When I joyously informed him it was Byron Leftwich, I could actually hear the groan through IM.

But, amazingly enough, I like the Elbow this week. Yes, I am picking the team I called the worst in the league over the one I called the best. No, I did not forget I wrote that just last week. But life is all about matchups. The Bullet Train traditionally destroys Oakland, Thomas Jones should be okay against Houston, Lance Moore should be a part of the points orgy in New Orleans and Manning can tear up Jacksonville.

On the other side, Schaub, Smith, Turner and Grant all have rough matchups. Live boldly, my friends. This is the upset pick of the week.

THE PICK: THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 85 – STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 80

DOPPELGANGER (0-0) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-0)

Okay, hang on. I have to look at this for a second and remember which team is Clint in this matchup and which is TK. Okay, TK has Big Ben.

You know, the Black Eyed Peas are performing on the TV right now and between that and these two rosters, I’ve just lost my appetite. For life. God, I’m going to score 100 points this week and be 0-1 and one of these two shitpiles will be 1-0. Fuck this. These two don’t deserve a preview.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 71 – DOPPELGANGER 65

PURPLE SWIRLS (0-0) at BROOKLINE BUCS (0-0)

I wonder what would conflict Skip Henry more. Chris Johnson scoring 3 touchdowns against the Steelers in Week 1 or Glenn Beck saving Heather’s life with CPR. I can’t answer that one with certainty, but if Johnson does score a bunch, Henry shouldn’t reject those points, because he won’t be scoring too many more this week. Westbrook is dinged up, and Jonathan Stewart isn’t even playing. Between Johnson, Ward and Tennessee all playing Thursday, Brookline is going to have two full days to stew on how few points they have.

Kyle Orton’s finger discloated so badly a couple of weeks ago that the bone broke through the skin. With Chris Simms hurt, Denver’s backup is a guy named either Brandtschmidt or Schmidtbrandt. I can’t remember which. I wonder how that will affect Eddie Royal’s numbers.

Whatever. Swirls win anyway.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 83 – BROOKLINE BUCS 68

WHIZ-BANG GANG (0-0) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-0)

I’m not sure what the hyphen is doing in whiz-bang. It makes me think of 1902 when newspapers wrote it as to-morrow. Oh well. Considering the 21st century’s ongoing rape of apostrophes, I’m just glad it’s not Whi’z-Bang. Watching a preseason rebroadcast last week, I actually saw a promo for “Falcon’s Season Tickets”. On air. No wonder Sarah Palin is a viable political candidate in this country.

ANYWAY, Yahoo is predicting 104 point’s for Atlas this season, which might be the highest projection in WVFL history. Although giving 12.75 points to Reggie Bush just because he’s playing Detroit is pushing it a bit. Then again, only giving 17.68 to Adrian Peterson against the Browns is also pushing it a bit. In the wrong direction.

Speaking of bad projections, 8.59 for Jamal Lewis against Minnesota. Who in the holy goddamn fucking Christ on a stick are they kidding? Move that decimal point a spot left and then talk to me. But you know what? The TV just informed me that the Black Eyed Peas have won 3 Grammys. There is no justice in the world. Ironically, that chyron came up when Fergie was “singing” in a way that would get her kicked out of the American Idol hotel auditions. At least they didn’t write it as Grammy’s.

Oh right. The game. Take Atlas and lay the points.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGS 95 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 80

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