LAST WEEK: 3-3
THE NEV-R-WINS (0-1) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (0-1)
One nice thing Yahoo! added this season is free stattracker. Now, I can get minute-to-minute updates on how badly my team is losing. Which brings us to the one not nice thing Yahoo! added this season. A Toyota-sponsored Biggest Fantasy Blowout banner. I lost by 32.84 points last week and Toyota spent $50,000 on to tell everybody about it.
Another new development I heard about today from a friend was that YouPorn or xtube or one of them allows you to sign in and create a favorite playlist. (No, seriously! I had no idea.) I can't think of what that does except allow people to go onto your laptop and find out that you're way too into nude Muy Thai boxing matches. I can't decide which new thing is more embarrassing.
As for football, in Week 1, Darrelle Revis held Andre Johnson to 35 receiving yards. Last year, Revis held Randy Moss to an average of 58 yards in their two matchups. The smart play would be for me to sit Moss this week, but with my luck, Moss would then score 35 points and there's no way I'm setting myself up for that. Instead, I'll play Moss and just take the 5 points.
For the Pounders, Matt Ryan should be okay because Carolina is absolutely falling apart, but if Steve Slaton has more than 4 points against Tennessee, I'll be stunned. Driver and Owens are both washed up, so no worries there. In fact, my greatest concern this week might be the Minnesota defense steamrolling young Mr. Stafford.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 77 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 75
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (1-0) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-1)
Atlas Shrugged stresses the value of the superior and unique individual in helping society, and it definitely takes a unique individual to lose with Adrian Peterson scoring 40+ points. Peterson could post another 40 against Detroit and maybe even flirt with 50, but can Atlas waste another magical performance? Cutler against Pittsburgh certainly won't help, but Welker should thrive against the Jets and Ronnie Brown could work against the Colts. As for Reggie Bush...can you believe only a few years ago people had real arguments over whether Vince Young or Reggie Bush should be drafted first? As it turns out, Mario Williams was the right pick, Haloti Ngata should've gone second and Bush honestly would be about a fifth round pick.
If Cutler is going to struggle against Pittsburgh, then Hester will too, logic dictates. The Philly secondary isn't what it used to be and Drew Brees isn't what he used to be, either. In a good way. I used to watch Chargers game in Brees' first few years and he couldn't even throw a spiral. then Gates showed up and Brees was suddenly good. It was bizarre.
It's gonna be Ronnie Brown vs. Joseph Addai to decide this one on Monday night, but since Peterson will probably stake Brown to a 15-point lead, go with him.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 85
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (1-0)
When Seinfeld announced its last season, everybody enjoyed the tributes and the reminiscing and the old reruns...and hated the final episode. If Nate's reunion with The Bullet Train is Seinfeld, we are already at the final episode and Nate is sitting in jail.
Tomlinson has already been ruled out this week. Antonio Bryant is officially listed as both sucky and doubtful. Nate's BEST lineup will feature Lance Moore starting, Michael Jenkins at flex and Le'Ron McClain - a FULLBACK! - at RB2. Also, keep in mind that Peyton usually has trouble with 3-4 defenses. Yahoo's predicted score for this game is 104-57. That is not a joke. This game will be more brutal than going on to a friend's YouPorn favorites list and finding your daughter in half of the clips.
It actually feels pointless to talk about DFA. Though in looking at these matchups, I'm not sure how Yahoo figures them for 100+. Brady could struggle against the Jets, Vincent Jackson and Calvin Johnson play tough defenses and Fred Jackson has had one good game. Still, if DFA manages to crack the 20-mark, they should cruise.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 80 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 8
FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-0) at STRINGFELLOW HAWKS (1-0)
The conventional wisdom usually trails the truth by a significant margin, and the truth is that the '09 are like the '95 Steelers. A team that will have success flinging the ball all over the field. Perhaps another big game from Ben this Sunday will begin to shift the CW a bit. The CW already knows that Drew Brees is not a man, he's a machine. So playing the Philly defense against him is an interesting career choice. Forte will struggle against the Steelers like 9 out of 10 backs and Housh will find out that the CW has not caught up to the goodness of the 49er defense yet, either.
Jake Delhomme will not get pulled again this week. Not because he's guaranteed to be any better, but because his backup is Matt Moore now that Josh McNown got hurt. Doesn't look so good for little Steve Smith. And the only thing separating Matt Schaub from Delhomme right now is all the turnovers.
God, neither one of these teams is very good. I tell you what is good, though. These remastered Beatles albums. The sound is so full and lush and the bass grooves and snare hits come through so cleanly, that I like to imagine that Paul and Ringo had a Flying Hellfish-style pact in which when they were the last two left, they would simply go into Abbey Road studios, push up the sliders on the bass and drum tracks and then re-release the albums.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 75 - STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 69
PURPLE SWIRLS (1-0) at DOPPELGANGER (0-1)
I imagine this one is for the bragging rights in the 400lb offices, but I have no ideas how reserved, twee people talk trash to each other. I think around the turn of the last century, they would write novellas about each others's poor taste in port and affinity for zaftig, uneducated women. Now, if you want to know how insecure jocks talk trash, just follow me around for a couple of days and write down everything I say. You fag!
Anyway, Hasselbeck will struggle against the Niners and Kevin Smith will be going nowhere slow against Minnesota. On the other hand, outside of Tony Romo, every other Doppelganger is either terrible, has a bad matchup or both.
Since there's nothing else to say about this one, let's not.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 71 - DOPPELGANGER 50
WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-0) at BROOKLINE BUCS (0-1)
Like my enthusiasm for fantasy football each season, my enthusiasm for these previews starts off strong with lots of energy and really starts to peter out towards the end. This year, I stopped giving half a thimble of fuck last Sunday when I watched DeSean Jackson run a first quarter punt back and realized that my opponent scoring a single touchdown would be tough for me to overcome.
But at least I don't have Larry Johnson on my team. Goddamn, is he terrible. Then again, if I posted the 2nd-highest total last week like the WBG did, I probably wouldn't care either. Out of all of my friends, Larry and Scott are probably the two most Pittsburgh people that I know. Heck, they both joined the Ironworkers Local 377 even though they both have white collar jobs. They know what separates a good chipped ham barbecue from a bad one. (The crockpot you use must be chocolate brown and at least 35 years old.)
You know, I'm sorry to ramble on about nothing here. I need to take this preview more seriously. After all, my writings are so influential that my pointing out that Scott Henry shouldn't have two tight ends got him to drop Owen Daniels, who will obviously catch two TDs.
God, I am stumbling to the finish and I haven't even opened tonight's wine yet.
THE PICK: BROOKLINE BUCS 98 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 90