IRON CITY POUNDERS 115.10 - THE NEV-R-WINS 103.44
I was starting to worry a bit that my complaining about my preposterous fantasy football luck was descending into delusions of grandeur, paranoia and annoyance. That I was becoming the Glenn Beck of the league. Then St. A's yelled at me picking up Jeff Reed and making him miss two field goals in a row for the first time in his career, costing the Steelers a sure win. That cemented my beliefs and, like Glenn Beck, I believe that Nelson Rockefeller founded a secret sect that was expressly created to one day destroy me, America and my second-favorite country, Belgium.
What else could explain Marques Colston scoring five TDs for me all of last year, but three already this year, including two against me this week? What else could explain me being the only team in the league this week to post 100+ and lose? What else could explain me having the 7th most points, the 0th most wins and the most points against?
Right now, winning a fantasy football game would feel as good to me as climaxing and sneezing at the same time. However, both phenomena are equally freakish and elusive.
Nelson Rockefeller built the Mauna Kea resort in Hawai'i in the '60s and I was married there in 2003. Somehow, it's all tied together.
ATLAS SHRUGGZ 97.14 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 73.54
Another conspiracy that came to light this week was Greg Jennings not catching any balls against Cincinnati and then mysteriously refusing to talk about it. Hester only posted 2 points himself and, in fact, if you were a Crusader this week, you either had more than 20 points or less than 10. And Barber could've had more if his leg didn't explode on the 10 like he was Moses about to finally step into the Promised Land.
This was actually a 2-point game when Monday started, but the Ronnie Brown vs. Joseph Addai matchup fizzled when it turned out that Addai was actually competing with Donald Brown for Colts carries. Ronnie Brown carried the Shruggers to an easy win.
Chris Chambers only had 3 points, but it's good to know he's still in the league.
DEATHFROMABOVE 105.94 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 68.92
Here's the good news for Nate. It was easy to set his starting lineup this week with Bryant, Tomlinson and Lynch all out. Here's the bad news. His starting lineup is beyond atrocious. For the second week in a row, Lance Moore didn't catch a single pass, and he was barrrrrely the worst Elbow. Only Peyton's late, game-winning touchdown prevented DFA making making the Toyota Blowout of the Week ad twice in a row.
DFA has rolled so thoroughly in the first two weeks that they probably haven't noticed that their first two picks - MJD and Brady - struggled this week, and that when Marshawn Lynch returns from suspension, Fred Jackson's role will be reduced greatly. Eh, I'm sure they'll be fine as long as Willis McGahee keeps stealing touchdowns.
STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 133.88 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 94.84
Hello, Toyota! If not for Dallas Clark's unbelievable Monday night game, this could've been a 60-point loss. That kind of thing will happen when your top two running backs only combine for 15 points. Which is as much as Michael Turner had on his own for the Hawks, and 6 less than what Darren Sproles had.
Matt Schaub was having a great game, but when he tacked on 4 rushing yards to push his total to 30.68 on the week, things were really looking good. Antonio Gates and Rian Lindell were the only Hawks who didn't score touchdowns in this game. Don't thrown garbage on Lindell's lawn, please. He's just a kicker.
DOPPELGANGER 106.48 - PURPLE SWIRLS 72.98
Well, whatever bragging rights there might be in this one go to Clint, who is now two legs through the Kress Triple. This matchup was decided entirely in the San Francisco - Seattle game when Matt Hasselbeck broke a rib and had to leave early...and Frank Gore went for 40 points. Interestingly, outside of Gore, the other Doppelgangers were pretty terrible. 4 for Olsen, 2 for LenDale, 3 picks for Romo.
Caulen might be somewhat concerned that his 6th-round selected defense only has 13 points so far this season. Or that Denver scored 27 points with Royal only getting 20 yards. In fact, Brandon Marshall only had 4.80 points as well. How the hell did Denver score 27 points? Oh, they were playing Cleveland. That's right. It just happens.
BROOKLINE BUCS 113.42 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 89.14
The Whizzers are going to have to tighten up that run defense, or else it's going to be a long season. 40+ for Peterson in Week 1 and now 50 this week for Chris Johnson. Interestingly, one Johnson TD came on a play where Houston literally didn't cover him out wide, Collins simply flicked him the ball and Johnson jogged 70 yards down the sideline. John Carlson, naturally, had 4 points this week since Skip Henry actually played him.
The WBG can't stop the run and they can't throw the ball either. Wayne and Roy Williams combined for 5.5 points. Jamal Lewis, who snuck onto the field when nobody was looking, only had 4.6 points.
Both of the teams had their backup QB outscore their starting guy. It mattered in neither case.