LAST WEEK: 3-3
Two weeks into the season, very few trends are presenting themselves. We've yet to have the waiver wire hero come out of nowhere and we've only had one really close loss. About the only throughlines we're seeing are more teams than ever putting up triple digits, and Ray Rice becoming my latest back who runs wild for 80% of the field, but never scores touchdowns. Probably don't need touchdowns in a year when teams are cracking 100 on the regular, though.
Actually, here's one thing. It's early, but the 12 teams in our league are perfectly arranged by point total. Yes, having eight teams 1-1 helps that quirk, but still. Except for one rogue team that had to wear red on St. Patrick's Day. That jerk team with the 7th-most points sitting in the 11 spot.
THE NEV-R-WINS (0-2) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (1-1)
I have to admit, my team name was intended as a joke and not a forecast. But here we are. Can the Nev-R-Wins fly as high as one game under .500? We shall see. With the death of Tomlinson forcing Rivers to heave it more often, Johnson and Moss finally out of the shadow of Revis Island, Ray Rice running (but not scoring) against Cleveland and Felix Jones subbing in for an injured Marion Barber, things have never looked better. It is my vow to you, as I sit here and breath, to change my team name to The Seld-M-Wins if we pull this one out.
Would 3 touchdowns against Buffalo be considered a disappointment for Brees? Yeah, probably. Greg Jennings will bounce back against the Rams and Joseph Addai will probably continue the trend of former players having great games against me. People are saying Willie Parker's career is over, so look for him to hit paydirt against the Bungles and Baltimore could score two touchdowns off of bad Brady bombs.
This one is going to be closer than people think.
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 103 - THE NEV-R-WINS 100
IRON CITY POUNDERS (1-1) at THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-2)
Nate sent out the clarion call for a #1 receiver this week, offering anybody in a trade. I'm sure 10 teams in the league looked at Nate's roster, realized he didn't have anybody they wanted back in a trade, and moved on. The other owner, Clint, didn't see the alert. Ryan, Jacobs, Slaton, Owens and Gonzalez all face bad defenses and the Pounders face a bad team. Shouldn't be too much of an issue. About the only concern for the Pounders is that if Slaton doesn't get going this week, he's probably a bust.
Nate dropped Le'Ron McClain for Mario Manningham on Wednesday, then dropped Michael Jenkins for McClain today. I guess this was the Elbow's version of a timeout in the corner. But here's where the joke is on me. It's possibly - nay, likely! - that after this week, I'll still have the same record as what is literally the worst team in West View history. In all sports.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 110 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 70
FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-1) at DEATHFROMABOVE (2-0)
One thing working against the Rockers this week is that no team on the wrong side of the Toyota blowout ad has won the following week. Now sure, the sample size - just me! - is small, but there's no arguing with statistics, is there? Another thing working against them is that Deathfromabove is an accurate a team name as Nev-R-Wins. DFA is just strafing people right now.
When Firerock fires a surface-to-air missile Sunday, will it make contact? Well, Forte should finally live up to his draft slot, Portis is playing Detroit and with Westbrook limping again (already!), McCoy could be a nice play. So maybe.
Then again, maybe it'll just make DFA mad. I mean, I have never seen a Yahoo projection as high as the 118 they're calling for DFA this week.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 117 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 90
PURPLE SWIRLS (1-1) at STRINGFELLOW HAWKS (2-0)
And Joe Flacco steps into fantasy relevance, ladies and germs. Right at home in purple, too. He's going to need to be really relevant for the Swirls, because things are not looking good. The pre-season warning note about Fitzgerald's big games coming only when Boldin is out are proving prudent, Eddie Royal will be shut down by Nnamdi, Kevin Smith faces a strong Redskins defense and Pierre Thomas is only probable right now.
If Matt Schaub can keep from getting hurt, he should pile up points (throw it to Johnson!) against a Jacksonville that's crumbling like a week-old pecan sandie. Ocho promises to make Ike Taylor "kiss the baby" this week and while I'm still semi tuned-in, I have no idea what that means. I do know that the more Chad talks and promises, the less he ends up doing. I also know Stringfellow will be kissing DFA at the 3-0 Cafe by Tuesday.
THE PICK: STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 120 - PURPLE SWIRLS 95
WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-1) at DOPPELGANGER (1-1)
Three weeks now, I've been able to recognize which team is the real one and which is Clint's simulacrum simply by looking at the rosters. I am that tuned in with this league. WHAT in the HELL is WRONG with me?!
Yahoo projects Jamal Lewis to score 0.47 points against Baltimore. They...they are predicting he'll have 4 yards? Where does the extra .07 come from? Either way, that is rough. Might want to get Ward or Cotchery or any other player in the league in that flex spot. Or maybe Lewis is in there intentionally to make Larry Johnson feel better about his own weak effort.
This one is really the moveable object against the resistible force. Marshall is still in the doghouse, Edwards sucks, Gore faces Minnesota, LenDale is chubby and faces the Jets...outside of Jackson against Green Bay, it is not looking good.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 87 - DOPPELGANGER 80
BROOKLINE BUCS (1-1) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (1-1)
Hopefully Warner puts up 75 points this week, because Brookline has nobody. This lineup looks like a Starbucks after a G20 protestors storm through it. Empty and sad. Bowe is hurt, Westbrook is hurt, Ward is the second fiddle, Johnson plays a great defense. The Pirates farm system looks more rich.
Atlas has some major holes, but the positives they have are way positive. Cutler, Boldin, Peterson and Brown should all be just plain delightful.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 99 - BROOKLINE BUCS 77