ST. A'S CRUSADERS 97.38 - THE NEV-R-WINS 76.72
The Monday morning ritual in American workplaces for the past decade has become issuing projections more far-fetched than Enron's quarterly earnings forecasts. "Well, I have Player X tonight and if he can do A through M and my opponent's guy only gets two yards and fumbles, I can still win."
Not me. I didn't even have a micron of hope that Felix Jones would score the 33 points I needed. In fact, I was mostly curious to see how I would lose. Shocking Carolina upset? Barber miraculously suiting up? The worst possibility seemed to be Jones posting 28 points through three quarters, getting me excited and hopeful and then Tashard Choice scoring Dallas' final touchdown.
I forgot about my old standby. The injury. Jones looked positively electric early on, then tweaked his knee and may miss 2-3 weeks. Wonderful. I started Holmes and sat Benson, so Benson had a TD, Holmes did nothing and the Steelers lost. Oh, and Reed missed another field goal. Shame that I wasted Ray Rice's first - and probably last - touchdown of the year.
As predicted, Willie Parker had a great game after being declared all but dead, including his first receiving touchdown in three years. And Joe Addai scored a touchdown just to prove to me that he could. Drew Brees had his first dud game and it didn't even matter. Not a bit.
Oh, and by the way, I still could've beaten half the teams in the WVFL this week. With the right scheduling, I could be 3-0. It truly is a wonderful sport.
Oh, and by the by the way, I had the #1 waiver spot and put in a claim for Glen Coffee. No, I don't think he'll make me start winning. I just want to screw with the good teams that have hurt me so.
IRON CITY POUNDERS 73.46 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 59.36
No matter how good I think I am or should be, I have the same 0-3 record as Nate. Buccaneer teammates Winslow and Bryant combined for 2 points. And it's not like they stuck out on the Elbow. In fact, Peyton Manning had 30 points, more than the rest of Elbow combined. Hell, Le'Ron McClain posting 3.6 points probably qualifies as a pleasant surprise.
What is going on with Donald Driver this season? Wasn't he supposed to be done by now? Terrell Owens didn't catch a single ball for the first time in about 140 games, but when you're playing the Elbow, a 0 from one player isn't going to kill you.
DEATHFROMABOVE 121.68 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 86.94
Teams that have been on the wrong side of the Toyota blowout ad are now 0-2 the following week, and the Rockers have their second chance in a row to break the hex. Roddy White and Laurent Robinson combined for 5 points, which makes it seem like the Rockers need some help at WR. But even if you have four good WRs, the Rockers aren't willing to part with the disappointing Matt Forte. Believe me, I checked. Clinton Portis posted 4.8 against the Lions, which is probably the worst effort of the week when you factor in the difficulty multiplier.
Maurice Jones-Drew decided enough was enough this week, slamming in three touchdowns. DFA has already decided enough is enough this season and apparently is going to lay waste to the WVFL like locusts in Kansas.
And because fantasy football is fantasy football, I promise, promise, PROMISE you DFA will not win the title this year.
PURPLE SWIRLS 84.28 - STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 76.60
You shouldn't have Julius Jones on your team. And if you do, for whatever reason, the bench is the best place to put him. But if the Hawks start Jones over Darren Sproles this week, they win. Instead, they did not win. As promised, Ocho was too busy talking to actually do anything this week, and we've probably never come closer to seeing a murder on an NFL sideline during a game than Steve Smith eyeballing Jake Delhomme last night.
Joe Flacco started his fantasy career with a nice game, but Eddie Royal did indeed get Nnamdied, as I promise. (SIDE NOTE: Not only can I predict what individual players will do, my picks went 5-1 this week. I KNOW the NFL very, very well. This fantasy hex I have is AMAZING!) Pierre Thomas didn't play the first two weeks, did nothing in the first half Sunday, then ran in two long touchdowns to seal the game. Patience is indeed a virtue.
WHIZ-BANG GANG 104.56 - DOPPELGANGER 79.90
Roy Williams sucks. That short fade he dropped in the end zone completely on his own, if somebody made a drop like that in the backyard during a barbecue, I would be disappointed. Derrick Ward had 0.9 against his former mates and DeAngelo Williams is shockingly not living up to last year's historic effort. And yet, the WBG won by 25. Thank you, Aaron Rodgers.
Braylon Edwards has 13 points on the entire season. The Browns are so bad that the Cavaliers are already 0-2. Their stink is affecting the entire city. Shame that Doppelganger wasted Steven Jackson's first nice game of the year.
ATLAS SHRUGGS 102.98 - BROOKLINE BUCS 70.88
John Carlson hasn't quite followed up Week 1's 20-point effort. Maybe he's only good on the bench. Speaking of Seattle, thank god they lost in those Arena2-level uniforms, lest they start thinking they were lucky and we have to see them again. Those things are not acceptable in the NFL. Kurt Warner posting 15 points in a 31-10 loss is a minor miracle. I can see why he's such a religious fellow.
Atlas started an injured Wes Welker, absorbed his 0, saw Adrian Peterson held in check and still won by 32. Must be nice.