THE SELD-M-WINS 100.06 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 83.14
I almost redefined "self-fulfilling prophecy" Sunday morning. Within a 90-minute span, I had benched Steve Smith, predicted I would lose because I benched the wrong guys and then watched Smith score two touchdowns. Had I not already given up on the season, I would've broken something.
Idiot that I am, now I think I'm back in the mix.
The bookends of the first round, Peterson and Andre Johnson, combined for 16.1, which only would've made them the 3rd-best player in this matchup. The Steelers' 4th quarter swoons let Rivers pile up points and the fact that every Shrugg but Ronnie Brown and Cutler had single digits made the Steve Smith debacle moot. Thank goddamn Christ.
Hold on...goddamn Christ? I need to get Pope Benedict, Richard Dawkins and a Boulder, Colorado grad student on a conference call to see if I just opened a new paradox. If God is ominpotent, can he damn himself?
FIREROCK ROCKERS 111.42 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 82.48
The Rockers responded to two straight Toyota blowouts by posting the highest total of the week. Unfortunately, the Aaron Rodgers and Jared Allen mashup left the Rockers just short of a third-straight trip to the Toyota dealership, only on the good time this side. Good luck betting on this team the rest of the season.
Matt Forte finally proved he was worth the 5th overall pick, and all he needed was a terrible defense and a home game to do it. Ben continued leaping into elite status and basically the whole roster contributed a little something. Even Johnny Know. Aw, you guys!
Steve Slaton also had his first useful game of the season, but Tony Gonzalez put up the 0 I predicted he would (due to a bye) and the Pounders fell just short. Just 30 points short.
ST. A'S CRUSADERS 70.30 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 65.42
You know, here I am mocking your Lord at 1-3 and the guy who pays him tribute is 3-1 after putting up just 70 points and winning. Is tied for first despite having the 8th most points in the league. I need to hit the religious supply store tomorrow and buy a rosary.
Although, truly, what greater blessing is there than a game against the Elbow? One of the greatest season of Peyton Manning's career is going to be completely wasted by Nate. 1.4 points for Tomlinson? 4.3 for Manningham? Thomas Jones' 10 was the 2nd-best effort of the week for the Elbow.
Willie Parker was out, Breaston was on a bye and A-tony Gonzalez is hurt, so the Crusaders were forced to play a gimpy Marion Barber...who was miraculously healed in time to score a touchdown. Scoring 70 points and winning ranks right up there with the loaves and fishes. 3-1 with a 70-point win. Ugh. I'm 1-3 with a 100-point loss. Maybe some religion would leave me less bitter. But I think we only get one go-round and it's being wasted! Argh!
But if anybody should be bitter, it's Nate. Especially when he realizes that if he started Antonio Bryant over Tomlinson, he would've won by 4 points.
PURPLE SWIRLS 87.36 - DEATHFROMABOVE 81.82
DFA looked at all of the kill stickers they had slapped on the fuselage, got cocky, flew too low and got zinged by a ground-to-air missile. The return of Marshawn Lynch did indeed bring Fred Jackson down to Earth, Vincent Jackson never took flight and I don't have a flying metaphor about Brady and Calvin Johnson, but their good games were wasted.
Joe Flacco is indeed fantasy relevant, but Eddie Royal has been a total bust for a 4-0 Bronco team. Fortunately, Pierre Thomas is showing up right on time.
WHIZ-BANG GANG 108.56 - STRINGFELLOW HAWKS 79.76
Before we give the Gang too much credit for starting Mendenhall, his only other option was the ghost of Larry Johnson. You want my love, boy? You're gonna have to earn it! And that's how jerkoff sales manager who are too competitve at coed softball are born.
Mendenhall tore up the Chargers and Aaron Rodgers was either getting sack or completing a long pass. Sacks don't count against QBs, so good night for Rodgers. I think one thing we can all agree on is that Roy Williams sucks.
Not much balance from the Hawks this week. 24 points from Gates, 4 from Harvin. 15 from Ocho, 4 from Julius Jones. Ladies, aren't you tired of all the yo-yo dieting?!
BROOKLINE BUCS 71.30 - DOPPELGANGER 48.80
This game was a disgrace to the good name of fantasy football.