LAST WEEK: 4-2
Apropos of nothing, somebody at work had a bag of Jolly Ranchers on her desk today. I asked if any Fire Ranchers were in there. She had never heard of such a thing. A second born and raised left coaster concurred, with both intimating that I was possibly insane. I shifted confections to Zagnut bars, and then they started to look at me like I said I enjoyed sugared alligator dicks. Zagnuts? What are those? Well, you know a Clark bar? No. At this point, I fell over.
Are we really so provincial in our sweet treats? No wonder we can't agree on the proper levels of healthcare for everybody when we don't even share our regional candies. And hot damn, could I go for a Zagnut bar right now.
Speaking of regional treats, my Minnesota friends occasionally go home and score me a Salted Nut Roll. It's a bar made of salted peanuts bound into a bar by a thin layer of caramel and hidden down the middle of the whole thing is that white nougat stuff you find inside caramel creams. Man, it's good.
THE NEV-R-WINS (4-3) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (5-2)
The ultimate test of my 2009 fantasy karma on multiple levels. The WBG is in first, I could pass them with a win. I put in for Beanie Wells on waivers, the WBG got him. Mario Manningham is probably out, setting the stage for Steve Smith vs. Hakeem Nicks. And lastly, with the byes, I need a lot of luck from Felix Jones and Justin Fargas.
Reggie Wayne's succulent groin is achy this week, so maybe he'll be held back a bit once Indy is up 14-0 in the first quarter. Rodgers will probably be strip-sacked twice by Jared Allen and Larry Johnson was ceremoniously released (they hired a band) after calling the entire Whiz-Bang Gang front office fags.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 79 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 71
IRON CITY POUNDERS (4-3) at DOPPELGANGER (1-6)
The world was stunned this morning when they learned that Doppelganger had dropped LenDale White for Lance Moore, two days after changing kickers. After five straight losses, at least three of which involved unused roster spots, what was the impetus for the change? It was like watching a napping housecat suddenly wake up and pounce on a dustball across the room. Sometimes we must just accept things without asking why.
Thing is, if Steven Jackson is put in at W/R, this game is going to end up being pretty close. In fact...
THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 91 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 88
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (4-3) at BROOKLINE BUCS (2-5)
Replacing a kicker on a bye is easy, putting in Crabtree for Hines is easy, but will Skip Henry cut Heath, Carson or Bowe for a fill-in tight end? It remains to be seen whether a 2-5 team decides to fill out a roster, hold on to hometown favorites or simply realize the whole thing is futile. And there's basically no way Westbrook is playing one week after being kneed in the head, so let's just go ahead and call it futile.
So, thanks to Brookline leaking oil all over the driveway, it won't even matter that with Jennings, Hester, Addai and Barber, the Crusaders have four starters on the Dover Disappointments.
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 88 - BROOKLINE BUCS - 12
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-6) at PURPLE SWIRLS (4-3)
All young brothers have fought since there wasn't enough mammoth meat to go around. The Baldwins used to have tag-team wrestling matches in the backyard, but it was 3-on-1 against Stephen, with Alec, Billy and Daniel taking turns hitting little Stevie in the head with a folding chair. Which explains a lot about why Stephen Baldwin is how he is.
But can anybody in this league picture Nate and Caulen really going at it? At WORST, I can see Caulen writing a 1:38 long punk song about Nate being a dick for stealing his sweater and Nate writing a novella about a a kid who was hit by a truck after using the Roenick NHL '94 wraparound one too many times.
This battle will be similarly uncompelling.
Hey! This game has two Pierres in it!
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80
FIREROCK ROCKERS (4-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-4)
Oh man, the Ricky and Ronnie show gets really interesting in this one, with Ricky the Rocker and Ronnie the shRugger. Every time Ronnie gives it on an end around to Ricky is practically double points for Firerock.
If Forte doesn't get going against Cleveland, TK might as well cut him out of principle, but McCoy could pick up some of the slack.
For the Shruggz, Walter is doing nothing, Boldin is limping around and Eli has a bad foot. Can Adrian Peterson do enough damage in Lambeau to carry his fake team? Probably not.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 66
TURD SANDWICH (5-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (5-2)
The last time DFA was involved in a 1 vs. 2 showdown for league supremacy, the game ended up being a 69-62 turd sandwich. Now they are actually playing Turd Sandwich in another 1 vs 2 juggersmash.
I read a report two weeks that said Seahawks doctors are injecting painkillers directly into Matt Hasselbeck's still-broken ribs, but it's still incredibly painful for him to breathe. This teaches us two things. One, Seneca Wallace is terrible and two, Hasselbeck probably won't do much this week. Plus, Vincent Jackson is probably going to be Nnamdied this week.
So Turd Sandwich, almost by default, with Miles Austin and Percy Harvin as receivers and Michael Turner and Ryan Grant doing nothing in the backfield, will move into first place by themselves this week. Unless...hmm. What if Schaub struggles in the Buffalo weather Sunday? Hmm.
It seems I'm not entirely sure who will win this game, but I am sure of one thing. Miles Austin is going to have 2 catches for 27 yards.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 52 - TURD SANDWICH 49