I need to rededicate myself to this column and start putting in the effort again. Next week. Watching the Browns play offense sapped the life from me tonight.
THE NEV-R-WINS 104.84 - DOPPELGANGER 68.36
I don't know what Clint did to his team name, but making it upside down basically broke the internet. The Java of Stattracker can't handle the anarchist symbolism of the reverse best, so it now displays his name as ʇsəq. (UPDATE: I typed the weird character string that was displayed in Stattracker into this post and it displayed as the upside down best! Holy shit! It's like putting 55378008 into a solar calculator to spell boobless. I will now stop making fun of Clint before he empties my bank account.) How a guy that can make computers dance like this hasn't rigged a 10-0 team is beyond me.
In the beginning of a recurring theme this week, Clint could've won with the proper lineup, starting the very good Brandon Marshall instead of Coles, but at this point, what does it matter? The holidays are coming up and he has to make a snowball toss game for a client.
DEATHFROMABOVE 90-60 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74.66
In a tragic turn of events, Maurice Jones-Drew taking a knee at the 1 yesterday to run out the clock did not cost DFA the win.
A potential tragic situation that also didn't matter was Marques Colston fumbling the ball at the goal line, which led to a touchback. The 8-point swing was ultimately meaningless in this matchup, but if you didn't see it, Colston was heading straight toward a Ram defender and tried to leap over him into the endzone. Problem was, the Ram was standing straight up and knocked the ball away from Colston. For the rotten cherry on a stink sundae, the Ram defender was standing so upright that Colston easily could've bowled him over. You see a lot of dumb stuff each week with the Sunday Ticket, I assure you.
TURD SANDWICH 78.50 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 75.52
Hey, guess what? That boneheaded high jump attempt by Colston did cost a team a win. If he pounds that in, Brees gets a TD throw and the Crusaders get 4 more points and a win.
Michael Turner got just enough before spraining his ankle, Ocho continued doing nothing against the Steelers and in January, we're going to look back and realize that 45% of Miles Austin's 2009 stats came in 3 games.
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 115.28 - BROOKLINE BUCS 112.50
Belichick's decision to shake his old, wrinkly balls at the country Sunday night decided three games: Pats/Colts, this one and the next one we'll get to. After the Pats turned it over on downs, the Colts marched down one-quarter of the field, Manning threw a TD, Nate got 4 more points and that sealed it.
The Bucs could've won if they had started Owens over Hines, but somehow I believe that Skip Henry would rather lose than start Owens over Hines. Chris Johnson, consider your 35 points straight wasted.
WHIZ-BANG GANG 99.96 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 87.56
And Manning's game-winning throw went to Reggie Wayne, putting the Cincinnati Whiz-Bengal Gang over the Rockers. Nate Burleson put up a 0, and I know for a fact he actually played in that game.
Matt Forte had only 41 rushing yards, but 120 receiving yards. So, at the same time, he is a bad back for Chicago, but also their best receiver. Why aren't they a better team? The Cincy flu kept Ben down and Dallas Clark was quintuple-teamed by the Pats. The Rockers got a remarkable 19 points from the kicker spot, but the problem is, they have two kickers and can only play one at a time. Why a team would have two kickers is a question for somebody else. Like TK, mainly.
ATLAS SHRUGGZ 73.80 - PURPLE SWIRLS 70.40
So the Shruggz forgot to get a QB who didn't have a bye this week, forgot to start the #1 overall pick and said in the smack booth that they forgot to set the lineup for all three of their teams this week. A, how does somebody who has three teams forget that football is played on Sunday, and B, how does that team end up winning?
The loss drops Caulen back to 8th, and if he ends up missing the playoffs, this will be one to think about. This matchup saw four different guys post 20+, but two of them were on the bench. Both of them were Vikings.
Guys, here's a tip. Get your players into the lineup when they're facing the Lions. Also if they're the #1 overall pick.