LAST WEEK: 2-4
Bad times for the picks last week. As Ben Roethlisberger can tell you, all the greats toss up a dud every once in a while. But as the guy who invented Silly Putty while trying to invent an explosive material that would kill lots of people observed, things usually bounce back. Like Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite and then felt so bad about it that he tried to end wars throughout the world could tell you, sometimes it's up to you to atone for past misdeeds.
What does all of this have to do with anything? Nothing.
THE NEV-R-WINS (6-4) at TURD SANDWICH (7-3)
All season, like I was waiting in line at a deli, I patiently bade my time until I was finally rewarded with the #1 waiver slot. To the surprise of everybody, myself included, I used that lofty perch to nab Bernard Scott.
At least Scott is facing the Raiders, so he should be good for at least 75 yards. Rice and Holmes should be fine, but I'm slightly concerned about Moss against Revis and Johnson against Cortland Finnegan. Concerned like a...sorry, I just realized I already used up my metaphor quota for the week.
Luckily for me, the Miles Austin supernova burned fast and bright, Nnamdi will shut down Ocho, Grant is going nowhere against the Niners and the Chargers will put 11 in the box with Chris Simms starting at QB, crimping Moreno's points.
Steve Smith's useless touchdown won't hurt me after all!
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 90 - TURD SANDWICH 71
IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-6)
Matt Ryan, Hightower, Slaton and Jacobs have all been letdowns this season and this week will be no different. When the Pounders need 8 points from Slaton and Monday night and only get 7 in a 34-31 game, it will be high comedy indeed.
Jay Cutler's five-pick performance was enough to convince the Shruggz he deserved a start against a heavily-blitzing defense. I guess under the same logic a drunk driver uses after hitting a lightpost in the bar's parking lot. Probably only gonna wreck once, and that was it right there!
Maybe they were just so rattled by the Ronnie Brown season-ending injury that they've yet to recover. That would also explain picking up Robert Meachem. In fact, now that I think about it, the Shruggz are using opposing logic on Cutler and Meachem. Cutler had a terrible game last week, so he'll be good this week. Meachem caught a touchdown last week, so he'll be good this week. At least Peterson is getting the start this week.
Did you know that Dr. Lisfranc named the injury after himself? Why name the injury after yourself and not the cure? Same goes for you, Dr. Ricardo Aids.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 74
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-5) at DEATHFROMABOVE (8-2)
Brees! Brady! Touchdown! Passes!
Yahoo! apparently doesn't think too much of interim coach Perry Fewell, as they've penciled in 24 points for Maurice Jones-Drew. They really don't think too much of Bruce Gradkowski, because a 15-point prediction for the Cincinnati defense is about the highest I've ever seen. They are basically guaranteeing either a shutout or a defensive touchdown for the Bengies.
Jamal Lewis says he's going to retire after this season, and when he's 50, he sure won't be thinking of the time in 2009 when he played in Detroit in front of 40,000 people.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 199 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 89
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-7) at DOPPELGANGER (1-9)
The Elbow being 3-7 is as improbable as some 7-on-7 coed team from Laredo winning the Texas state high football championship. Brian Robbins is probably going to make a movie about this inspirational season. The middle of Act II will feature the time Tomlinson found out his wife was pregnant and ran for two touchdowns. Fun fact: LaDanian is married to La Torsha. That kid's name is going to be La______, of this I am certain.
You know, I just realized something. This game is going to suck.
THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 66 - DOPPELGANGER 65
FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-5) at BROOKLINE BUCS (3-7)
Two people scored for the Dolphins last night: Ricky Williams and kicker/folk singer Dan Carpenter. Roddy White is questionable and Matt Forte is terrible, but Ben has vowed vengeance this week for last week LeSean McCoy is the SoLo LoBo against a bad Bears team this week. Oh, and the Rockers have a 30-point headstart.
For the Bucs, Westbrook is out at least three more weeks with a severe brain injury and Dwayne Bowe is suspended for four weeks. Bowe, incidentally, was caught using a diuretic to lose weight. That, incidentally, came after Coach Haley criticized Bowe for being overweight in camp. That, incidentally, was our first heads up that Todd Haley is a complete dick.
THE PICK: FIREROCKS ROCKERS 100 - BROOKLINE BUCS 50
PURPLE SWIRLS (5-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (8-2)
Every week, I call out the WBG as a fraud and then they go out and win. It's like criticizing the latest Epic Movie and watching it make $30 million in the first weekend. I've given up on that Quixotic quest and I give up on this one too. Being smarter than everybody all of the time is exhausting! You wouldn't understand.
SO...the WBG will win easy this week.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 1,000 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90