Saturday, December 5, 2009

WVFL Week 13 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 42-30

The picks have gotten progressively worse as the season has gone on and I've spent less and less time actually thinking about them. I'm sure what will help this week is having a bunch of projects to do around the house and the holidays approaching and Usain Bolting these picks.

THE NEV-R-WINS (7-5) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-6)

I wrote a way-too-involved playoff preview this week and even I forget what the Pounders have to do this week to make the playoffs. Pretty sure they have to at least win, except Yahoo! hates their chances.

If this was real life, I'd be benching my stars since I can't improve or worsen my playoff position. But this is fantasy life, and I really want to have the most points this season so I can not win the title and then complain ad nauseum about how dumb fantasy football is.

Steve Slaton has been ruled out, I think Jamaal Charles has as well and Alex Smith is still not that good. In other words, goodbye playoffs, hello Toyota blowout of the week.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 125 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 55


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (5-7) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (5-7)

This game is the guaranteed screwgy for the playoff hopefuls, since it guarantees at least two teams will be at least 6-7. Crabtree and Avant aren't as good as Welker and Boldin, so let's put the Shruggz at 6-7

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 84


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-9) at DEATHFROMABOVE (9-3)

This game has absolutely no meaning except the absurd. The Elbow is trying to lock up the penultimate spot in the standings, and DFA doesn't want to drop another turd bomb, thereby blowing a bye week. Actually, I guess the bye week thing carries a lot of meaning, now that I think about it.

Let's just go ahead and give them the bye.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 97 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79


FIREROCK ROCKERS (5-7) at TURD SANDWICH (9-3)

Now here's a game with some meaning! So I'll use this space to talk about myself instead. I usually write on a PC, but tonight I'm borrowing a MacBook because our home wireless is screwy. And it's like driving a manual car in England. The same thing ultimately, but everything is different. Control-B and Control-I don't do shit, and this thing where you can massage the touch mousepad and make the screen shrink or grow is driving me crazy. I hate people who insists that Macs are better just because...well, just because. All I ever hear at work is designers cursing because Photoshop just crashed on their Mac. Fucking Macs.

THE PICK: TURD SANDWICH 79 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 77


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-7) at DOPPELGANGER (3-9)

Caulen is using the smack window to try and convince Clint that Gore is out this week. The thing is, that could actually work because Clint has no idea where to find football news, but it won't work because Clint only checks the WVFL site once a week, on Wednesdays.

So could the statisical and theoretical worst team in the league trip up Caulen and keep him out of the playoffs? Could the Swirls finish two games out of the playoffs because 2 of the 4 Doppelganger wins came against the Swirls? Maybe.

I don't know. But I do know this. If you told somebody back in August that they needed to win in Week 13 to make the playoffs and their starting QB would be Vince Young, they would be skeptical at best.

And while I'm making predictions, how about this one? Steven Jackson has 130 yards and 2 touchdowns as the Rams upset the Bears 20-14? It would only complete the allegory. A terrible team upsets a team everybody thought would be good back in August, a team with unexpected quarterback troubles (Swirls drafted McNabb, Bears trades for Cutler) goes flailing and nobody except me sees it coming. God, I'm fantastic.

THE PICK: DOPPELGANGER 106 - PURPLE SWIRLS 90

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