Tuesday, September 7, 2010

WVFL Week 1 Preview

LAST SEASON: 50-32

While part of me wonders how many people spent Labor Day watching FOX News and getting excited about voting for the pro-business Republican Party when the richest 1% of Americans control more wealth than in even the robber baron days (irony alert!), another part of me is putting my seersucker blazer in mothballs.

And a third part of me is gearing up for football!


THE NEV-R-WINS at WHIZ-BANG GANG

The WBG has a chance to “avenge” last year’s title game destruction with a regular season win, if they want to believe both games are of equal importance. Of course, they won’t receive $200 for winning this one. (Minus my entry fee and minus the one person who didn’t pay)

First round pick Aaron Rodgers (official theme song here) probably won’t have much trouble putting up 20 points, but for every touchdown he throws to Greg Jennings (minimum: 2), the WBG will actually lose ground.

Conversely, Tom Brady intentionally doesn’t throw touchdowns to Wes Welker because he secretly hates this coaches’ son-like player. And even if the WBG keep things close in the QB and WR categories, I’m going to outrun him in the RB grouping by at least 30 points. Arian Foster is hotter and more Googled than a Nick teen star, whereas Beanie Wells sucks. Although the Ricky vs. Ronnie dynamic will be fun in this one.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 132.16 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 59.68

(Wait, hang on, that was the WVFL Bowl score)

THE NEV-R-WINS 105 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 98


THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW at BROOKLINE FINEST

The battle for control of the ‘S, winner take all.

Some running back news coming out of this one, bad for both teams. Mendenhall will be losing goal line carries to Ike Redman and CJ Spiller has been named the #1 back…for Buffalo. Tough break for each team.

In Houston, that game is going to go one of two ways. Either Indy gets up 24-3 and hangs on for a 31-30 win…or Houston gets up 28-10 and loses the game 31-28 on a Dallas Clark TD catch with 00:30 remaining. Either way, expect big points for Manning, Schaub and Clark.

Which is the exact opposite of what you should expect from Tim Hightower.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE’S FINEST 91 – THE PEOPLE ELBOW 83


HAWKS at FIREROCK ROCKERS

This like when the California Angels became the Anaheim Angels. I didn’t like that and I don’t like the missing Stringfellow.

Kevin Kolb has had a shaky preseason, which means he’ll probably be booed at some point Sunday by the Philly fans, who always think things through to their logical conclusion. Lee Evans just plain sucks, though I’m sure Mike Wallace will get the Rocker start by Sunday.

Of course, none of that should matter since Maurice Jones-Drew should outscore the Hawk receiving corps by himself. Anquan Boldin goes up against Darelle Revis, which should keep him to about 4 points, and Mike Sims-Walker is a fluke who is going to spend this season proving his flukiness.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 88 – HAWKS 71


IRON CITY POUNDERS at DEATHFROMABOVE

I’m so old that I remember when you could buy hit singles on cassette and Carson Palmer was good. Those were the days. Speaking of remember the good times, this week is Matt Forte’s time to show he is actually going to be good again this year. If he can’t roll through Detroit, he’s done for good. Like Marion Barber.

Larry Fitzgerald is going to get wide open on a deep route Sunday and Derek Anderson will overthrow him by four yards. The Pounders will not get any points for that.

DFA is hoping the preseason trend of Palmer throwing exclusively to Terrell Owens was just a guy being polite to the new guest, as DFA has Ocho. And it’s not my team, but I’d be starting Jeremy Maclin over Brandon Jacobs. And I’d also be highly concerned about Mike McCarthy openly discussing how good Ryan Grant’s backup is and how ready he is for every-down duty.

THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 81 – DEATHFROMABOVE 65


PURPLE SWIRLS at ATLAS SHRUGGZ

Jermichael Finley is going to have 80 yards and 2 touchdowns in Week 1 to justify Caulen loving him and picking him early. Justin Forsett, however, will suck, justifying Seattle line coach Alex Gibbs’ decision to quit a week before the season starts. And when Carolina only manages 6 points against the Giants, “Acceptable trade value for DeAngelo Williams” will make the Top 5 on Google Trends.

Of course, those 6 points won’t help Steve Smith (old one) much either. Combine that with Turner and Greene (starring Shelley Long and Muriel Hemingway, coming to TNT this spring!) getting shut down by stout defenses, and it will seem like the creatives have indeed gone on strike for Atlas Shruggz. (Seriously, how many more references can I make to book I haven’t even read?)

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 97 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 59


ST. A’S CRUSADERS at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS

Coach Webster is using the season preview as bulletin board material in the Lowcountry locker room. Now his team has motivation, yet they still lack the talent to do anything with it. But I’ve said enough about this team, it’s time to let the anemic lack of points do the talking for me.

Oh wait, one last thing. When Randy Moss told The Boston Globe that he was unhappy with his team yesterday, he wasn’t referring to the Pats.

Jamaal Charles is going to have a surprisingly good game when Kansas City upsets San Diego on Monday night. That will be the only good performance for St. A’s.

THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 60 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 59

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