I'm beginning if chasing the 6-0 week is like when my dad sent me snipe hunting as a kid. I've never seen one and really don't even know what it looks like, but I'm still dumb enough and enthusiastic enough to keep chasing.
THE NEV-R-WINS (1-0) at THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (0-1)
My team name, once a painfully accurate admission, is threatening to take on the irony levels of calling a fat guy Slim. Or Sarah Jessica Park attractive. As for this week, if Dwayne Bowe only has 3 targets again I'll officially be concerned, and I can already tell that I'm going to pick the wrong flex player week in and week in. On the other hand, Tom Brady has a personal mission to destroy the Jets this year since they dared to be on TV instead of him, and Yahoo fell in love with Arian Foster so hard and so fast that they're already predicting more points for him than AP.
For the Elbow, I don't know how DeSean Jackson is going to get the ball except on an end around, and the Ravens just spent Monday reminding us that people don't run on them. And Tim Hightower still sucks, as usual. Peyton threw 57 passes last week and will need at least 75 for Nate to pull this one out.
The timing is interesting, though. Thanks to scheduling, I should have an enormous lead while grilling dinner Sunday night, then I'll sweat out Peyton's game and he'll make up some ground before Colston and Hartley go to work Monday night. Lucky for me, Hartley's misses count as 0 points.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 79
BROOKLINE'S FINEST (1-0) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-1)
The battle to finally decide who Marlin likes more. Speaking of PR savvy, Webster hit the phones and internet all day Tuesday to make sure he got waiver priority to land Brandon Jackson. Caulen adroitly argued that the last place team after Week 1 isn't necessarily the league's worst, but there's enough prima facie evidence on hand to think maybe the All Stars are. One staged press conference with Gloria Allred later and Webster was coming off more sympathetic than Bayou shrimper with one hand and a tar ball on his goatee.
Unfortunately, Brandon Jackson is only one player and when the media went on to the next story, the anti-sex Senate candidate in Delaware, the All Stars still had Jerome Harrison and Knowshon Moreno starting in the backfield. Oh, and Revis blanketis Randy Moss. Put Moss down for 3 catches, 24 yards and the All Stars down for 2 losses.
As for Brookline...still starting Michael Crabtree, huh?
THE PICK: BROOKLINE'S FINEST 79 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 73
HAWKS (1-0) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (0-1)
Like a child with a rag doll, I have grown tired playing with the Whiz-Bang Gang and tossed them aside to move on to more interesting things. Now that I'm done with them, however, things are looking up. I think they're going to win this week. Sure, that's like a major leaguer hitting .390 in a AAA rehab stint, but at this point a win is a win.
Rodgers and the Green Bay defense will really enjoy hosting Buffalo, and Tom Brady really enjoyed watching Kyle Wilson not cover anybody on Monday night. I'm saying it here, Wes Welker will have a minimum of 15 catches Sunday, and maybe as many as 18. 15 catches, 135 yards and 1 TD. Book it. Ronnie Brown isn't going anywhere against Miami, but since Indy's run defense debuted a revolutionary 4-gap technique, look for Ahmad Bradshaw to pick up the slack.
God, Philip Rivers is a bitch. Can you even imagine the agony of being on his high school team. The best part is, he claims he doesn't swear, so each petulant foot stomp is paired with a "DANG IT!" I was that was miked up every week.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 115 - HAWKS 80
IRON CITY POUNDERS (1-0) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-1)
Last week, TK made a to-do about taking a month to drive through the States, from Pittsburgh to Seattle, then down to Arizona. It's possible that he's rounding up illegal immigrants from the heartland's agribusiness factories and then dropping them off at their choice of borders. I really have no idea.
Anyway, come Wednesday, there he is on waivers dropping Berrian for Derek Anderson and Kolb for Garrard. So not only did he manage to hear about the games in some sports bar in Terre Haute, he then found wi-fi in Bismarck and jumped online to make some meaningless moves.
Happily, he'll be somewhere outside of Helena on Sunday, because his team is not looking good. Detroit will be down 14 to Philly before you know it, so Best's carries will be limited, and starting McCluster is literally hoping for a kick return TD from a guy who doesn't return every kick. And Dennis Dixon doesn't throw downfield, wasting Mike Wallace's abilities. (Side note: Cortland Finnegan says he wants to be the dirtiest player in the league and take away that title from Hines Ward. So that should be interesting on Sunday.)
I knew somebody would be rushing to add Mark Clayton this week. I also know now that it's a bad idea to start him against Asomugha. Luckily, the other Pounders will pick up the slack.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 89 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 77 + 1 MOUNT RUSHMORE SNOW GLOBE
PURPLE SWIRLS (1-0) at DEATHFROMABOVE (0-1)
Caulen claimed he played the role of agitator this week just to get more attention in the preview. I feel like Don Rickles and people are intentionally wearing clothes and sitting in the front row. Should I go along with it or retain control of my act? Well, he also claimed that he really wanted Michael Vick. Except...he already has Brees and can't play Vick at flex. Yet. Vick is like the deep-fried Klondike I had at the county fair last week. Sounds like a good idea, looks good when you put it in the lineup, halfway through you wonder what you were thinking.
Though, interestingly, Vick is possibly a better play against Detroit this week. So! I guess this was increased attention, but none of it was particularly funny. Call our positioning battle a push.
Johnson vs. the Steeler D takes on added significance with Caulen playing the Steeler D, but Brandon Jacobs against Indy carries no significance for anybody anywhere. This one is going to come down to Monday night and Brees vs. his own defense. With Alex Smith involved, that's a pretty tricky matchup.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 85 - DEATHFROMABOVE 84
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (1-0) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-1)
Our 6th straight game pitting 1-0 vs. 0-1 means the entire league could be tied for first come Tuesday, taking parity to a ridiculous extreme. Also ridiculous is starting Kyle Orton at quarterback. Also ridiculous is Percy Harvin's hip now hurting as much as his head. Also ridiculous is Kansas City breaking out the quadruple team to stop Antonio Gates.
Hakeem Nicks will have 3 points this week since he had 3 touchdowns last week, but Steve Smith always destroys the Bucs. Destroys 'em bad. Turner will feel much better running against Arizona, and if Shonn Greene could have a good day, except Tomlinson will steal carries and the Jets will be trailing the whole game.
And, as usual, I ran out of jokes two games in and the 6th preview gets short shrift.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 101 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 90