Elementary trending would tell us that this week's picks will go 3-3, but let's see if we can't do a little better.
Of course, I stumbled upon a realization today that it's so obvious that it's probably not that original. The germ of it was when I put in a waiver claim for Demaryius Thomas and was beaten to the punch. See, information overload has turned fantasy football into professional poker. We all have the same info, same stats, same advice and more or less the same approach. All we can really do is set up our team to give us the best odds, but the turning of the cards is what decides who wins and loses.
Which makes a 9-3 picks record all that much more incredible!
THE NEV-R-WINS (1-1) at BROOKLINE'S FINEST (2-0)
The last time Skip Henry started off 2-0, he won his first 5, got to 10-1 and won the title. That was in 2007. Eli Manning, Dallas Clark and Baltimore are the holdovers from that championship squad.
As for this week, if Pittsburgh held Chris Johnson to 33 yards, they should be able to hold Cadillac Williams to 3.3 yards. However, Baltimore going against Seneca Wallace should more than make up the difference. Look for Clark and Garcon to be slightly down, as Denver pulls off the emotional upset.
In one day, I went from mocking up "13-0, Here We Go!" t-shirts and bumper stickers to wondering if I'll ever win again. Matt Cassel is so stunningly bad that I'm benching Dwayne Bowe for Johnny Knox, and I want Greg Jennings to catch a touchdown to shut up Caulen and Larry more than to help my team at this point.
Fortunately for me, Adrian Peterson should have 35 carries for 198 yards against Detroit and Tom Brady treats Buffalo like a practice squads.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 111 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 105
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (1-1) at HAWKS (1-1)
The Hawks are going to lose this game. I'm not sure how long I should talk about them to feign politeness, but really, they are going to lose.
Which means that come Tuesday, The People's Elbow app will be 2-1, the least intimidating 2-1 team of all time. You know what? Screw these two teams, this game should be in the WNBA. Christ. If we're running with my poker analogy above, and I certainly am, Benson and Hightower are pocket fours.
THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 89 - HAWKS 67
IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-0) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (1-1)
Yahoo is projecting only 11.83 points for Carson Palmer this week, which is incredibly low for a quarterback. They actually put Shaun Hill and Sam Bradford ahead of him. It might be time to stop thinking Carson Palmer is good. Fitz is getting the Nnamdi treatment and might not score half as many points as Welker.
(Side note: For a team that hasn't really been good since 1981, Pitt has churned out Fitz, Revis, McCoy, Otah and Palko in the past decade. A lot of talent there.)
I'm picking Atlanta as my 5-gold star upset of the week, so be happy about having Roddy White on your team. Rodgers will be involved in a 31-28 shootout Monday night and Ahmad Bradshaw will receive every single Giant carry this week so Brandon Jacobs learns his dumb lesson to not be dumb.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 99 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 88
PURPLE SWIRLS (2-0) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-2)
Papa Kress is touring the country in a tricked out old school bus just as younger Kress is preparing to move to the Bay City. It's like Pops is sweeping the country for safety before the boy hits the road. Wednesday, TK checked in from Eugene in order to pick up Matt Hasselbeck and Jason Snelling. Unfortunately, he hadn't heard the news that Michael Turner is fine and Hasselbeck is old.
Owning a Carolina back can't be any fun this year. It just can't be. Not that owning Justin Forsett is much better. And Caulen still doesn't have the courage of his convictions (or Andy Reid's convictions) as he continues to staple Vick to his bench. Free Michael Vick!
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 91 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 70
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (2-0) at DEATHFROMABOVE (0-2)
DFA took a chance on Vincent Jackson, underestimating just how goddamn stubborn A.J. Smith can be. Now Jackson isn't playing all season. On the other hand, Peyton Hillis is playing against Baltimore this week and DFA is starting him, so it's not like their active players are much help either.
You're not going to believe this, so I encourage you to check for yourself, but the St. A's bench is Vince Young, Ben, Santonio, Sidney Rice and James Jones. In other words, 2 guys who aren't league eligible for two weeks, one guy who might be out all year and two guys who are worthless.
If DFA is smart enough to get Marshawn Lynch in the starting lineup, I'll give them the win.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 82 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 76
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-2) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-2)
St. Louis played Oakland last week and now this. Louis Murphy is actually a part of this matchup. I think there's no way Minnesota loses this week, but starting Favre over Cutler would be a tremendous mistake. And why does a team have two kickers?!!?
If there's any justice in the world, this game will end in a tie since neither team deserves a win ever.
THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 90 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 60