A few years ago, we were driving home at night. In the distance, we could see neon bordering a building's roof. Idling in traffic, we guessed how far away it was. I guessed four miles. I was EXACTLY right. Exactly 4.0 miles ticked off the odometer. In the 1860s, this would've made me a great Union scout. Today, it makes me a mild diversion.
Today, my fantasy football game picks are 14-4 and I guessed 4 teams last week within 10 points of their actual total. I missed my own score by 2 points. There has to be something more I can do with this than garner 18 blog hits a week.
THE NEV-R-WINS (2-1) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-2) + KARMA (INFINITE)
The amount of shit I've talked about the All Stars this season mixed with AP's bye week is a dangerous cocktail indeed. If you need a visual, picture a pewter goblet bubbling over with dry ice. If I lose, I basically can't say a thing about the All Stars the rest of the year. If I win, people will care about as much as they do when I beat my daughter in a foot race.
A lot of this game will come down to night games, between Brady, Moss, Ricky Williams, Olsen, Green-Ellis and Bess. By 4pm my time Sunday, I should be down 30 points and hoping some freelance fill ins come through.
I don't like it. This whole week feels weird. Moss against Jason Allen is going to be a horror film for me come Monday.
THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 79 - THE NEV-R-WINS 76
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-1) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (2-1)
Nate has to cut a player to pick up a sub defense this week. May I suggest Kevin Smith, who has 0 points for the season? Or hell, with Manning and Collie facing Jacksonville, just leave Minnesota in. You might not need the points. Especially if Miami's non-coverage of Dustin Keller last Sunday is any portent for Aaron Hernandez this week.
This Pounders team is like Lindsay Lohan. Major name recoginition, nothing really that good about it. Forte either scores 20 or 5 each week, Addai scores 10 or 5, Fitzgerald is hurt and Malcom Floyd is missing his second L.
THE PICK: THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 91 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 75
BROOKLINE'S FINEST (2-1) at HAWKS (1-2)
India is hosting something called the Commonwealth Games right now. It's like a mini-Olympics for countries that used to be part of the British Empire. Cricket is probably three different events. Speaking of which, we had a morning softball game last month and when we arrived, dudes were playing cricket on one field. It is weird looking.
Anyway, India looks bad right now because they're having a dengue fever outbreak, one athlete found a cobra in his room's closet and an entire dorm was overrun with aggressive macaques. Amazingly, the solution to the macaques is a different kind of monkey that is extremely territorial, but not aggressive to humans. Also, it's still legal to ride a train by hanging out a window by your toes. What the fuck is with India, anyway?
That mess is about the other thing weirder than this matchup. Schaub will be a letdown during a surprise Oakland upset, while Rivers is about to destroy Arizona. If Andre Johnson is in, Kevin Walter will be good. If Johnson is out, Walter will be useless because he'll get Nnamdied as the new #1. Mendenhall will do better than predicted against a worse than predicted Baltimore defense, while Jackson and Mathews are both kinda hurt. And Dallas Clark will have at least twice as many points as TO, because Carson Palmer is a worse QB than Charlie Batch.
It's all odd.
THE PICK: BROOKLINE'S FINEST 86 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 60
PURPLE SWIRLS (2-1) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (2-1)
It's your A-1 Steak Sauce A1 matchup of the week. When you have Mike Tolbert in your lineup and Yahoo still thinks you're going to post 106 points, big things are coming. That vaunted Swirl defense is going to have trouble keep the points against low this week with Rodgers shredding Detroit and Ronnie Brown getting loose against a terrible, terrible New England defense.
Caulen claims Vick is in his starting lineup right now as a smokescreen. I presume to make the WBG practice a spy defense. But Caulen is already worried that choosing Vick or Brees each week will always end in the wrong choice, so that should be be fun for him.
Carolina will be down early, so forget about points for DeAngelo, and you should always forget about Manningham and Forsett. The Swirls will lose this week, like the Bears, and we'll all be left wondering whether the 3 is fluky or the 1 in their 3-1 records.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 120 - PURPLE SWIRLS 85
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (2-1) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-3)
Tony has arrived in Arizona, welcomed with open arms thanks to his Vietnam service, mustache, whiteness and leather sandals. He's one immigrant they hope sticks around for a while. TK is starting Wallace this week, which of course means Legedu Naanee will score two touchdowns. TDs he'll get to see, since the Cardinals are his new home market game. Fortunately, he won't have to witness MJD and Snelling doing a heaping pile of nothing.
The Crusaders picked up John Kuhn, pronouncing him the poor man's Peyton Hillis'. He's more a third world Peyton Hillis. While Hillis' one move is the shoulder pump, he has moderate speed. Kuhn has no moves and no speed and protects the ball with both arms as soon as Rodgers hands it to him. John Kuhn is a Milwaukeean who won some sort of contest, I'm sure.
Now, Kenneth Darby is a poor man's Terrence Trent D'Arby. And while I do think St. Louis will beat Seattle Sunday, that won't be because of Darby. Or D'Arby. Moore had 2 TDs last week, so count him out. Rice is facing the Steelers, so count him out. But Oakland might give Houston fits with McFadden, so...
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 78 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 65
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-3) at DEATHRFROMABOVE (1-2)
DFA is going to win this one. Let's not spend any more time ruminating on it than need be.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 94 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 81