When I throw up a pedestrian 3-3, it's bad for everybody. Children stop growing, women dry up, dogs steal food from the table, it's bad all around. I'll try to do better this week.
THE NEV-R-WINS (3-1) at HAWKS (1-3)
I really do not mind being in first place. I'm a natural leader, terrific at telling people what to do and think, and I'd be happy to hold the position all season long. Ryan Fitzpatrick and Chis Ivory get spot starts this week, and they have a lot to live up to after the Chargers and Davone Bess last week. Although Fitzpatrick does fling it and Jacksonville's pass defense is terrible, so you might be surprised at what he does.
And if not, I still have Foster and Peterson. Speaking of which, with Ray Rice in the 4th round last year and Arian Foster this year, my 2011 4th round pick is more eagerly anticipated than the Florida citrus report in Trading Places. Also speaking of which, cell phone photos of Brett Favre's alleged ding dong surfaced yesterday and I really hope Adrian Peterson is not so light of groin. I'm not sure why I hope that, actually, but I feel like my team should have some sort of standards. And while I didn't need to see Brett Favre's dick to enhance my time on Earth, it's nice to know I can look down on a Hall of Famer about something.
With Tomlinson and Steven Jackson, the Hawks have 2007's best backfield, but with Kevin Walter they have a guy who isn't capitalizing on 2010's hottest trend, Useful White Guys. On the hand, Philip Rivers is going to destroy the Raiders.
This one will come down to Peterson vs. Tomlinson on Monday night. Fortunately, Peterson will have a 20-point head start.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - HAWKS 70
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (2-2) vs. PURPLE SWIRLS (3-1)
There hasn't been a brother vs. brother battle this fierce since...well, not Antietam. I guess since last month, when Nate and Caulen squared off in some other fantasy league. But with Caulen now in San Francisco, this matchup is for control of the entire country.
In Nate's two wins this season, he's averaging 121 points. In his two losses, he's averaging 62. Sylvia Plath was more in charge of her swings. She'd probably also have been in better charge of a lineup, as Nate has two TEs, both of whom have a bye this week. Wouldn't the perfect poison be former Swirl Jermaine Gresham?
Benson is losing carries each week, Collie is out again and Hightower's Cardinals will be trailing early and often. On the other side, Jacoby Jones might not play, but thanks to byes, his only possible replacements right now as McCoy and Vick, who have rib issues like Adam and Eve. But this is actually DeAngelo Williams' week to be good, since Carolina will have a chance and Steve Smith is out.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 81 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 80
BROOKLINE'S FINEST (3-1) at IRON CITY POUNDERS (3-1)
The team I crushed two weeks ago against the team I plan to crush next week. It's all about me, me, me! Two Matts (not my name) are the QBs this week. Schaub is missing lineman and his favorite receivers are dinged up, Ryan is spotty at best on the road. Terrell Owens publicly has a bad attitude and leaves teams on bad term, Larry Fitzgerald's bad attitude is growing and he'll be leaving the Cardinals on bad terms when his contract is up after 2011. I guess that's about it for the tenuous similarities.
For Brookline, Alex Smith sucks, so Michael Crabtree (who might suck on his own) ends up sucking too. Carnell Williams came out and admitted he shouldn't be the starter any more, and Devin Hester will catch 2 bad screen from Todd Collins at best. All of this ineptitude will offset Frank Gore slashing through the Eagles.
I suppose it's up to Addai and Bush, then.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 87 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 69
ST. A'S CRUSADERS (3-1) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (3-1)
The WBG have ripped off three wins in a row, and I can't for the life of me remember where their sole loss came. But their second loss will come this week. The Skins are going to upset the Pack when Rodgers has one of those 180 yard, 2 pick road games and relying on rookie Mike Williams for anything can't be good. Though Roddy White might catch 17 balls against Cleveland.
If you were the Raiders, wouldn't you put Asomugha right on Gates? Sure, it's a bad tackling matchup, but Nnamdi could blanket him and break up passes, and putting him on somebody like Floyd is a waste. Plus, last week, Gates showed what he does when just a linebacker is on him. I would put Nnamdi on Gates.
Jammal Charles is going to have a long touchdown run on the Colts and Calvin Johnson is going to light up the Rams as Detroit wins. But Percy Harvin will be reintroduce himself to Favre after the game.
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 101 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 84
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (1-3) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-4)
An enormous game as far as next year's #1 pick is concerned. With Cutler out, the Shruggz will be starting Favre, who was quoted this week as saying you can throw to Moss even when he's covered. Now, Favre thinks that about everybody as default, but if he said it out loud about Moss, a guy he's wanted to play with since 2006...well, expect at least 3 picks Monday night.
The Shruggz' best receiver right now is Brandon Lloyd, and they're actually starting two Bronco receivers against Baltimore. I know Kyle Orton is lighting up the league, but come on. Then again, top 25 pick Shonn Greene is predicted to have 4 points this week.
Tony's first three listed players are Sam Bradford, Legedu Naanee and Dexter McCluster. If this was Week 12, I'd accuse him of tanking for the top pick. This being Week 5, my heart goes out to him. And don't expect a ton from MJD, because Jack del Rio is the absolute worst coach to be with one team long term and Jacksonville is going to lose.
Jesus Christ. This whole game is brutal. The best players in it are rookie Jahvid Best and Brandon Lloyd. Each team is starting one Falcon running back. This game is like a pizzeria that only offers capers and sprouts as toppings. This game existing is almost as sad as the fact that Meg Whitman is a billionaire, yet can't find a hat that will fit her. Have you seen that melon?!?! If she gave you head, she could put you in the hospital! Hey-o! (The wine is kicking in.)
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 59 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 57
DEATHFROMABOVE (1-3) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (1-3)
Out here in LA, we have a website, SigAlert, that gives real time freeway updates. When there's a collision, they describe as Car X vs. Car Y. As in, Blk Mercedes vs. Wht Lexus, over to right shoulder. According to Yahoo's predictions, this game is going be Slvr Escalade vs. Bl Smart Car.
BJ G-E is on a bye, so the briefly scuffled over Brandon Jackson brings his 3 points back into the lineup. Revis will shut down Moss like always, and Rex Ryan might quintuple-cover Moss for a joke, just to see if Favre still forces the ball to him (He will). Felix Jones is getting more carries starting this week, a plan Wade Phillips will stick to for at least 10 minutes. And Louis Murphy is a Raider wide receiver.
Teams are stacking the line against Chris Johnson and Vince Young isn't making them pay yet. But Peyton Hillis is...
Whatever. Why am I still talking about this? Have you seen the No Stars lineup?
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 97 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 49