This past Sunday, I attended not one, but two birthday parties for classmates of Abby's. Now, I like the kids and I like all of the parents at the school, but somebody needs a serious talking to about Sunday parties. And of course both party locations had televisions that were off.
To continue on with my most interesting life, I forgot my phone for the second party, which has the Yahoo fantasy app on it. All I knew was I was down after the early games and the Chiefs were getting crowded onto a reservation by the Broncos and I was probably going to lose with 65 points.
Thus, I was quite surprised when I went online at halftime of the Steeler game to find out that Dwayne Bowe had completely gone off in a meaningless fashion. And by the time futility set in for the Steelers, I was rooting for Brady to put 8 touchdowns.
Jesus, not one word of that is interesting.
Here's something interesting to even it up. This was my worst point total in 5 weeks and my 3rd worst of the entire season. My offensive coordinators are getting serious buzz for head coaching spots next year.
Deathfromabove was so, so good last year, then lost in the playoffs. One can hardly blame them for skipping the playoffs this year.
WHIZ-BANG GANG 104.28 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 61.80
At the top of the standings, the Points For read 1083.64 - 983.78 - 1083.88. It's so mismatched that it looks like a goddamn barbell. It's a hoagie of one thin slice of shitty bologna with enormous pepper seeds between two puffed out rolls. But all Whiz-Bang Gang can do is beat who's in front of them, unless a good team is in front.
To their credit, the Garrard pickup to fill in for Rodgers was most savvy. The drafting and eternal keeping of Ronnie Brown is not.
I think we all know that fantasy football is not Nate's forte, but good God. And now he has to cut Jeff Reed too.
By the way, my prediction for this game was 101-65.
FIREROCK ROCKERS 101.84 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 80.52
I really like TK, so I hope he's happy this week, but this win really takes a lot of fun out of the league. The oh-fer watch coming down the stretch would've been invigorating.
This was a tight game, decided on Monday night by the defenses. And frankly, the Washington defense only getting a -3 seems like kind of a ripoff. You give up an historically huge day, you should get at least -10.
If Skip Henry hadn't turned off the TV in disgust by halftime of the Sunday night game, he probably put his foot through it watching Mike Wallace score TDs that were meaningless in real life and killing him in fantasy. Or when Rashard Mendenhall put up a quarter of the points Peyton Hillis did against the same Pats defense. Fortunately, the broken TV kept Henry away from Sarah Palin's Alaska on TLC, which would've given him a real heart attack.
(Political side note - The fact that this aggressively dumb, proudly ignorant, wildly egomanical cunt is actually a part of our national political conversation is why we are now ignored at G20 meetings when we make suggestions. We are seen as epically dumb, and this jingoistic know-nothing now has the highest-rated TLC in history at the same time Justin Bieber is selling out arenas. Fuck, at least the fall of the Roman Empire had cool shit, like Vikings. Our modern Vikings are PR reps.)
Hopefully that cheered Henry up, moving on.
ATLAS SHRUGGZ 99.88 - HAWKS 95.90
The Shruggz. Forgot. To pick up. A defense.
The Hawks had the Arizona, which posted a ripe 0. It's even!
The Colts defense, left on the waiver wire against a brutally bad Cincy offense, had 20 points.
Cutler, Lloyd and Fred Jackson were the keys to victory for the Shruggz. You read that right.
If I keep writing single sentence paragraphs, I might land a sportswriter gig at a big newspaper.
ST. A'S CRUSADERS 111.98 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 96.98
The Crusaders roared back into the win column in a major way, riding Roethlisberger's garbage time (22 game minutes' worth) to a comeback victory. How running back Jamaal Charles managed 18 points when his team was down 35-10 at halftime is beyond me. Oh, he had 80 receiving yards. There you go. I thought maybe Todd Haley decided a blowout was finally the time to start running Charles more, which is possible, because Todd Haley is a dumb guy who thinks he's smart and is also a prick about it.
For the Pounders, Donald Brown was benched after a fumble, Troy Smith threw for 360 yards while somehow ignoring Vernon Davis the whole game and Matt "5 or 25" Forte had under 8 points in a blowout win.
PURPLE SWIRLS 109.82 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91.10
When you look at the Week 11 schedule and assume Buffalo/Cincinnati will be a boring 14-13 "battle," think of this game. Sometimes when bad teams get together, they throw caution to the wind.
Despite the empty TE slot and the 3 points from Reggie Wayne and the 2 from Baltimore, the All Stars had a 45-point lead during the Monday evening rush hour. And then Michael Vick electrocuted and drowned them like a dog.
A 0 from Ward, -1 from the Steeler defense, 2 from Thomas Jones and a forgettable Mike Goodson television production...none of it mattered. Vick couldn't be stopped with handcuffs.
Speaking of which, pundits love saying America is the land of second chances, but that really only applies to the rich, right? I haven't heard shit from Joseph Hazelwood in like two decades.
By the way, my prediction for this game was 88-60.