My biggest rush job of the season coincided with my worst picks week of the season. Obviously, I need to make these much longer and more self involved. Speaking of self involved, I have involved myself in a decent bit of pinot noir this evening, so the over/under on typos is 11.5.
THE NEV-R-WINS (6-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-5)
I didn't want to bring this up Monday night because it would've seemed tacky in the wacky of my narrow win, but Gary Kubiak is a terrible coach. It's no coincidence that this is the third year everybody thought the Texans would be good and they still struggle to win big games. Arian Foster ran for 250 yards against Indy in Week 1. This past Monday, he averaged about 7 yards a carry for his first 9 totes while Matt Schaub, who is secretly awful in big games, was throwing behind and below his receivers on every pass. Plus, it's not exactly revolutionary that ball control and keeping Peyton on the sidelines is a good strategy. So what happens? Kubiak gives Foster the ball 15 times, Schaub goes something like 2 of 11 on third down and the Texans get killed.
Gary Kubiak, fuck you, you're terrible.
None of that is going to matter this week, though. Peterson and Foster will be huge, Shiancoe is the only target left in Minnesota, Jennings is the only good one left in Green Bay and Nnamdi is out so Bowe can run free.
THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 120 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 85
THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-5) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-8)
Nate pulled a Bettman this week, screwing up the waiver wire priority and robbing the Rockers of...well, I actually have no idea who they wanted. But I admire TK's enthusiasm for still caring. If I was 0-8, I would've traded my two best players for a bag of dicks by now in an attempt to screw up the whole league.
Which means the best revenge, served ice cold, will come this week when TK gets his first win of the season against the very man...nay! Son!...who boned him out of whichever free agent it might have been. Touchdowns from both Wallace and Miller Monday night will put the Rockers on top.
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 84 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 81
BROOKLINE'S FINEST (4-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-5)
People, the time has come when Peyton Hillis is predicted to score 16 points. That's 4 more than Yahoo! is expecting for Spinmaster Flash himself, Rashard Mendenhall. Speaking of which, between Owens, Spindenhall, Nugent and Ocho, this is going to be one interesting matchup in prime time.
Seriously though, what is with Mendenhall and the spins? Him spinning is more predictable the John Boehner saying that tax cuts will create. The main difference is, the spins occasionally do work.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 88 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 77
HAWKS (5-3) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (6-2)
The Hawks are going to test out the Team Running Game theory that's catching on in fantasy circles. By starting both Mathews and Sproles, the Hawks will get all Charger running yards. Except the ones that Jacob Hester gets. This idea could revolutionize fantasy football, but not in this game since San Diego will throw about 45 times against a terrible Houston secondary.
If the Crusaders weren't 6-2 and outscoring the entire league by 50 points, they might've garnered more sympathy for this week's loss. But considering that they're about to score another 120, screw them.
THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 120 - HAWKS 94
IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (5-3)
There's going to be a week where the Swirls finally score 110 and lose, but it won't be this week. No, this will be another week where the Swirls post the 5th-highest score and still win. The Pounder need to take a tight end off the scrap heap because Davis is on a bye, Bush is the clear backup and Martz gets a rash whenever he calls a handoff to Forte.
Speaking of Davis on a bye, can we please end any and all talk of putting an NFL team in London, Gooddell. A, the league has blackouts in San Diego and Jacksonville. How is a 3-8 London team going to draw in the middle of the Premier League season? B, both teams in the London game have received a bye the next week because of the crazy travel. The first time Arizona plays in London in Week 4 and then loses at home in Week 5 by 30, people will go insane. C, you can't even figure out the goddamn tackling rules. Don't worry about a 33rd franchise just yet.
THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 84 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 77
WHIZ-BANG GANG (6-2) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-6)
Larry and family are in Orlando this weekend, so if any late injury scratches come in Sunday morning, you can forget about a seeing a sub. Then again, hurt or healthy, Beanie Wells will score around 0.
For every Rodgers touchdown pass for the WBG, Crosby kicks a PAT for the All Stars, so this game won't be entirely ridiculous. Just mostly ridiculous.
THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 95 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 80