Let's call my picks 1-1 this week. I definitely wouldn't have picked the Hawks to win, but I probably would've picked the Swirls. Or I would've picked the Hawks and the Pounders. Come on, my picks are way too awesome to go 0-2. Let's not be silly just because it's the holidays.
HAWKS 92.44 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 73.24
Larry's biggest fear - being exposed as a fraud and a bad father - came true this week. First when his team only put up 73 points because Aaron Rodgers got hurt and second when he let his 6-year old son try malt liquor.
Roddy White also chose a bad time to take a week off, and my saboteur, Chris Ivory, did nothing, just as a I instructed him a month ago. And so a halfway impressive season is flushed down the toilet.
What Deion Branch is doing now that he's back in New England is like Paul McCartney leaving Wings, going back to The Beatles and somehow being even better than before. It's getting ridiculous at this point.
PURPLE SWIRLS 104.40 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 97.48
All of a sudden, the Swirls have momentum on their side and things could break so that I face them in the West View Bowl and really learn how much of a bitch karma can be. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, although I'm sure the Swirls will get 2 defensive TDs every week now.
Vick and McCoy continue running up and down the field, and Polamalu and Woodley neatly cover up the fact that the Swirls had 3 guys combine for 5 points.
Andre Johnson was almost incredible enough to pull off the comeback, and with the Texans starting inside their own 10 in OT, it's possible he had another 7 points in him. But Matt "I'm Absolutely Terrified Of Any Rush" Schaub threw one too softballs off of his back foot and it was game over.
I'm sure it doesn't bother the Pounders at all that 2nd round pick Larry Fitzgerald only had 72 yards and 0 TDs in a 43-13 win, or that both Forte and Lynch were effectively taken out of the game because their teams were blown out early or that the Bears didn't force a single turnover in a snowstorm. Those are not things to spend the next 9 months worrying about. Not. At. All.
THE NEV-R-WINS 56.36 - BYE 0.00
ST. A'S CRUSADERS 86.64 - BYE 0.00
If I could take a page from right wing media for a second and build a straw man...Some people say that a bye week in fantasy football isn't a big deal. Well, why don't you take a look at this!
Of course, the bye week is a big deal because it's simply one less chance to get fucked sideways by the fantasy football goddesses, and everybody already knows that. And the fact that I would've lost to every team this week and the Crusaders would've lost to all but one is all the reward we need for two fine seasons.
And no, I am not at all concerned that the quarterbacks for 3 of my 4 most important players next week could be Brodie Croyle, Matt Flynn and Tavaris Jackson. But I thank you for your interest.