Monday, November 29, 2010

WVFL Week 12 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 143.84 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 94.56
In my last 3 games against them, I've beaten the WBG by an average of 48 points. Last year when I won the title, it was the first time that I ever did better than awful and now I have the best WVFL regular season since 2005 when Nate rode Larry Johnson, Ladanian Tomlinson and Doug Gabriel to a 12-1 record and 1,529 points.

(NOTE: The best WVFL Yahoo total ever was from TK's Go Deep squad in 2003, when they put up 1,667 points, but that was a 14-game season.)

In other words, I'm perfectly set up to fall completely on my face in the second round of the playoffs. I say second round, because this win essentially clinched a top 2 seed and a bye.

Dwayne Bowe continues to go off, and Sunday's 170 yards and 3 TDs was the best game by a receiver since Jerry Rice in the early '90s. Arian Foster had 21.8 points strictly on yardage amd Tom Brady stuffed himself full of points on Thanksgiving Day. Even the Seattle defense managed to block a punt and score before being shredded by the Chiefs and...Dwayne Bowe.

I am Icarus! Nobody can stop me! Look at how high I'm flying!


BROOKLINE'S FINEST 82.32 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 62.70
Nate does not have Tomlinson or Doug Gabriel this season, so things are not going nearly as well. They do have Cedric Benson and Justin Forsett, which probably explains the discrepancy.

Brookline's did themselves a big favor by winning this one, though they could've used more points. Perhaps from Terrell Owens, who called Darelle Revis and average corner before being held to 17 yards. Or from Frank Gore, who got injured early in the game. He was so excited to be facing such a bad Cardinals defense that his muscles exploded off of his bones and he missed the rest of the game. And Rashard Spindenhall finally got hit on the ball during a spin and dropped one, something I've been waiting all season for.

(NOTE: It was actually Gore's hip and he's now out for the season. Perfect timing for a must-win Week 13 game.)

By the way, as revenge for me using the one-sided bully pulpit (like Bill O'Reilly would!) to mock his beliefs on airline security, Scott Henry showed up to my door Sunday, twisted my nuts and left without a word. And he had to fly all the way to Los Angeles to do so! I admire that commitment.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 82.32 - HAWKS 50.80
The Hawks have picked the worst possible time to go through a 3-game losing streak and the worstest possible time to only post 50 points. Rather than moving into 4th place and feeling good, they are now in a 5-way dogfight for one of the final two playoff spots.

But when your kicker is your best scorer, the potential league MVP has 8 points, Dez Bryant has a 0 and new honorary Grand Dragon of the KKK Danny Woodhead has 4.5, you have to reap what you sow.

It doesn't really matter at this point, but since I don't want to condescend to TK and ignore his team...why do you have 2 defenses, and then bench the really good one playing at home against an epically bad offense on a 2-8 team? So you could play the defense on the road against an 8-2 team with a suddenly frisky offense?

But hey, let's look at the bright side. The Rockers are 1-0 in their last 1 game.


DEATHFROMABOVE 100.92 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 80.78
The fuel is low, the aileron is coming loose and it's skimming the treetops, but this bird is still technically aloft. And the Pounders missed a chance to officially tap a playoff spot.

I may be the only person that cares, but I did mention in the preview that the Pounders would need about 30 points from Fitzgerald and Davis Monday night to win. I hit that right on the noggin, as well as the fact that watching Anderson and Smith try to throw to them would be quite aggravating. In fact, even with all of the stats the NFL keeps, it is impossible to quantify how terrible Derek Anderson is.

It's just a shame that Andre Johnson didn't get 6 points for every punch he landed on Cortland Finnegan.

DFA drafted Vincent Jackson hoping he'd miss 4 games and get traded. He ended up missing 10 games because his own team triple suspended him or something. When he finally returned, DFA eagerly and immediately inserted him into the starting lineup, only to watch him tweak one calf, try to play through it and tweak the other calf. Now he's out two more weeks.

But Peyton Hillis has more than picked up the slack. In touchdowns, yards and veiled announcer references to race. Speaking of slack, Chris Johnson had 5 yards rushing Sunday. That's #1 overall pick Chris Johnson, mind you.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 127.18 - PURPLE SWIRLS 88.58
.500 or better for 0 more weeks. Caulen lost the Brees/Vick conundrum, not that it mattered, and all of his Keiland Williams carping was rewarded with 2 points. The Mike Goodson television production was benched despite stellar rating this week, again, not that it mattered.

The creatives of the Shruggz brought their immense talents back into the free market after sitting out most of the season, keeping faint playoff hopes alive. And it was touchdowns galore for the Shruggz. 4 for Cutler, 2 for Lloyd, 2 for San Diego, a long one for Fred Jackson and one for Turner.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 94.54 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 72.76
I twisted Webster's arm to get him back into football this season and this is how it went. It's like I picked a restaurant for his birthday dinner and his salad had a worm in it. And then Knowshon Moreno has a good game for no reason to just rub it in. Not cool, Knowshon.

Jamaal Charles had 2 more carries than Thomas Jones, but 105 more yards. And it might have been the first time all season Charles had more carries than Jones. I'm not going to call Todd Haley an idiot, but...I'll just point out that he goes for it on 4th down on a completely random basis. Like going for 4th and 2 from the Chief 40, then punting on 4th and 3 from the opponent's 38. Also, he's an idiot.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

WVFL Week 12 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 43-23

Pumpkin pie is in the oven, I've cracked a pint can of Beamish and and I just realized that I never wrote of review of Week 11. Well, we can't live in the past.

These picks are almost made on spec since lineups could change between Hump Day and the Lord's Day (the Lord's Day +1 if you're Jewish), but life itself is mercurial and ever-changing, so deal with it.


THE NEV-R-WINS (9-2) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (9-2)
This 5-Star prime time blowout is also a crucial game for playoff seedings. The Crusaders will likely roll the All Stars this week and move to 9-3 before getting the currently 4-7 Shruggz in Week 13. The Nev-R-Wins get The Anemic Elbow in Week 13, while the WBG face a tough Hawks team in the season finale.

SO! It's entirely possible that whichever team has their 6-game win streak snapped this week will not receive a first round bye. They'll sell you the whole seat for this game, but you'll only need the edge!

Yahoo has Arian Foster pegged for 25 points this week, which borders absurd. A savvy pickup of an injured Jonathan Stewart pays off this week when he returns, doubly so because the WBG need a running back to replace the pined Ahmad Bradshaw. AP will profit from the new coach bump the Vikings will see in DC.

The WBG signed Nev-R-Wins castoff Chris Ivory in an attempt to learn our audible calls, but we've already changed them, so Ivory in the flex will have no added benefit.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 120 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 90


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (4-7) at BROOKLINE'S FINEST (5-6)
Earlier this week, Scott Henry made a Facebook post that anybody who didn't want to be invasively scanned at an airport this week should just drive for the holidays. This whole TSA thing being a pet peeve of mine, I countered that you're much more likely to be killed by a car accident than a terrorist bomb, especially over the holidays.

Here are the numbers for Americans in 2009:
- 33,000+ auto fatalities
- 390 auto fatalities over Thanksgiving weekend
- 25 deaths from terrorist acts
- 34 from lightning

You are 15 times more likely to be killed if you drive this weekend. And even if Al Qaeda managed to bring down a 747 with a crotch bomb this weekend, that would kill about as many Americans as the car accidents would, and they yearly total would only be about 1% of car accidents.

He countered that Americans should just get in line, follow the rules and shut up. I argued that he has the same attitude as a British soldier from 1770 and we're stupidly turning our asses inside out trying to prevent the last terrorist attack, and that they've already moved on to cargo bombs.

You'll find this impossible to believe, but this online argument did not end in agreement.

What does this have to do with football? Nothing! What does this have to do with fantasy football? Even less! But I hate how illogical this country is at times (all times) and I hate when people don't agree with my well thought out points.

Why is it that we're willing to submit ourselves to rub and tugs "in the name of safety," but we raise a ruckus when peanut butter is banned from grade school or playgrounds get 3 inches of padded rubber under the swings "in the name of safety?" Vanity and self-absorbtion. We all assume we'll be on the one plane in 10 years that blows up, but because our kids don't have a peanut allergy, or aren't clumsy, or we've been lifelong smokers without any problems, that nothing bad will happen.

It is sheer lunacy and we are a nation of fools.

Speaking of numbers, Brookline must win this game and run up the score if they want to stay alive in the playoff hunt.

THE PICK: BROOKLINE'S FINEST 99 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 70


HAWKS (6-5) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-10)
A win doesn't officially clinch a playoff spot for the Hawks, but it sure would go a long way. So it's a pretty good time to be playing the Rockers.

The good news for TK is that he has about 99% chance to hold the #1 pick next August. The bad news, this is our first keeper year, so we have absolutely no idea who will be available. A 2011 #1 overall of Tony Gonzalez won't be that much of a catch.

The 2007 dream backfield of Tomlinson and Jackson is still going strong, and Rivers is going to shred the Colts secondary Sunday night.

Meanwhile, on the other side, Brandon Jacobs will be benched after he fumbles in the first quarter, so whatever.

THE PICK: HAWKS 110 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 85


IRON CITY POUNDERS (7-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (4-7)
These two teams have the same amount of points for, but inverse records. The 150-point difference in Points Against probably has something to do with it.

40% of the DFA lineup is missing Thanksgiving dinner, so we'll have a really good idea of how far the Pounders have to go come Friday morning. Of course, with Kitna, Ochocinco, Gronkowski and the Saints D being the 40%, it probably won't be very far. Then again, Chris Johnson and Rush Limbaugh's new favorite player - Peyton Hillis - will be the main draw on Sunday.

The Pounders will need about 30 points from Fitzgerald and Vernon Davis Monday night to pull off a comeback win, and Derek Anderson and Troy Smith throwing the ball will be quite the frustrating spectacle. I only wish I could watch that game with the Pounders and transcribe the conversation.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 90 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 80


PURPLE SWIRLS (6-5) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-7)
Crucial game for the Swirls, as a loss by them brings DFA right into the playoff picture. And actually, if was a blowout, the Shruggz as well.

With Smith and Nicks out, Manningham should tear up an atrocious Jaguars pass D, but Thomas Jones won't do a thing against Seattle, and I'm picking a Bears upset, so Vick and McCoy should be limited. That leaves Keiland Williams and Miles Austin, which...which is not so good.

The Shruggz will continue their strategy of starting both Bronco receivers. Incidentally, the Broncos are 3-7 and the Shruggz are 4-7. And Kyle Orton is #8! He also has two Jets in what should be a low-scoring Thursday night snoozer and the San Diego D against Peyton Manning in prime time.

The Swirls' playoffs are trending up, are so are the boners of teams who could face the Swirls in the first round.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 80 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 68


ST. A'S CRUSADERS (8-3) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (3-8)
Well, the league will have two 9-3 teams come Tuesday. We could go into details, but I haven't I talked long enough?

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 115 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 93

Saturday, November 20, 2010

WVFL Week 11 Preview

LAST WEEK: 5-1
SEASON: 40-20

THE NEV-R-WINS (8-2) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-9)
As if it wasn't bad enough watching Tyler Thigpen play QB like a bass that just landed in a canoe Thursday night, we also had to listen to Matt Millen again. Matt Millen, to be direct, is a fucking moron. If he says something happened on a given play, assume the opposite. He's so unbelievably awful that JOE THEISMANN makes fun of him in the booth.

And on top of that, TK and I had to watch our 4 Miami players put up a combined 11 points. Rough.

Did you know that Dwayne Bowe leads the league in touchdown receptions? It's true! Non-segue to...I need the GB/MIN game to be 41-35 with Shiancoe, Jennings and AP.

Mike Wallace is going to get the Nnamdi treatment possibly, but I think he can probably run by him. Ben literally doesn't have the arm strength to keep up with Wallace. He's constantly underthrowing him. I think every other QB would too. Ben should just heave it downfield as soon as Wallace has gone 10 yards.

I'm 1-1 against the Kress family so far this year, making this one an incredibly exciting rubber match.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 81


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (4-6) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-8)
The loser of this one agrees in perpetuity throughout the universe that the victor's favorite Il Piccolo Forno cookie is superior. Chocolate crinkle! Apple mele! Which treat will reign supreme?

By the way, when nobody was looking, the Elbow quietly became the most anemic offense in the league, despite being 2 games up on the All Stars and 3 up on the Rockers. Their best effort since Week 3 was 77 points. Don't expect them to go too much farther than that this week.

Josh Freeman wins real football games, but I'm not sure 210 yards and 1 TD wins a lot of fantasy football games. But you can't argue with the All Stars' coterie of slightly below average running backs.

THE PICK: LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 82 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 75


BROOKLINE'S FINEST (5-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (8-2)
Brookline really crimped their playoff standings by graciously giving the Rockers their hymen-breaking win last week, so they really need this win. Fortunately, Eli is going to pile up the points in a stunning upset, Owens will get at least 2 TDs and Janikowski will make 4 field goals while Shaun Suisham goes 1 for 3.

If you want to get the Bang Gangers all riled up, just tell them they're overrated despite their 8-2 record. You'll get an email back full of charts, tables, biometric line graphs and actuarial predictions of a strong finish. It's a touchy subject.

Speaking of which, Skip Henry is pushing irate about the Northwestern game in Wrigley Field only using one end zone like some backyard game because the brick wall is 6 inches behind the other end zone. What are the chances that when they were first scoping out Wrigley to see if it could host a game, they only measured 100 yards instead of 120?

THE PICK: BROOKLINE'S FINEST 98 - WHIZ-BANG GANG 91


HAWKS (6-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-7)
Yahoo is predicting 14 points for Reggie Bush even though he's a game-time decision to return from an injury that kept him out for 8 weeks. That is completely insane. I haven't seen a more amusing number since last week's poll that showed most voters still hate Republicans and don't want them to cut any actual spending even though that's all they talked about for 2 years. We are a really stupid country sometimes.

Also stupid? Thinking DFA will win this one.

THE PICK: HAWKS 105 - DEATHFROMABOVE 94


IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-4) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (4-6)
Getting 34 fantasy points out of a 16-0 game is an impressive feat. I guess those shutouts go a long way. But with Floyd still hurt, Fitzgerald still held hostage by Derek Anderson and Andre Johnson getting Revissed (the extra S is for shut down), the offensive outburst won't continue.

Brandon Lloyd will finish this one off Monday night in garbage time.

THE PICK: ATLAS SHRUGGZ 88 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 85


PURPLE SWIRLS (6-4) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (7-3)
These teams could have the same record come Tuesday despite being separated by 200 points. 200!

Caulen already knows Brees is going to outscore Vick this week, because that's just how life goes. I agree with this sentiment, since the Giants' front four will be able to run more of a contain pocket on Vick. Thomas Jones is seeing fewer carries and Keiland Williams is not the answer to any of life's problems.

Oh, I just realized that the Crusaders have Jamaal Charles. Well now. All of those second half carries in a Chiefs blowout just got a lot more interesting. Although it's going to be severely bad times if Gates is a late Monday scratch. Even if the Crusaders cleverly lined up Randy McMichael as an emergency backup. McMichael hasn't been good since one game five years ago.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 110 - PURPLE SWIRLS 85

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

WVFL Week 10 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 108.10 - DEATHFROMABOVE 97.88
This past Sunday, I attended not one, but two birthday parties for classmates of Abby's. Now, I like the kids and I like all of the parents at the school, but somebody needs a serious talking to about Sunday parties. And of course both party locations had televisions that were off.

To continue on with my most interesting life, I forgot my phone for the second party, which has the Yahoo fantasy app on it. All I knew was I was down after the early games and the Chiefs were getting crowded onto a reservation by the Broncos and I was probably going to lose with 65 points.

Thus, I was quite surprised when I went online at halftime of the Steeler game to find out that Dwayne Bowe had completely gone off in a meaningless fashion. And by the time futility set in for the Steelers, I was rooting for Brady to put 8 touchdowns.

Jesus, not one word of that is interesting.

Here's something interesting to even it up. This was my worst point total in 5 weeks and my 3rd worst of the entire season. My offensive coordinators are getting serious buzz for head coaching spots next year.

Deathfromabove was so, so good last year, then lost in the playoffs. One can hardly blame them for skipping the playoffs this year.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 104.28 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 61.80
At the top of the standings, the Points For read 1083.64 - 983.78 - 1083.88. It's so mismatched that it looks like a goddamn barbell. It's a hoagie of one thin slice of shitty bologna with enormous pepper seeds between two puffed out rolls. But all Whiz-Bang Gang can do is beat who's in front of them, unless a good team is in front.

To their credit, the Garrard pickup to fill in for Rodgers was most savvy. The drafting and eternal keeping of Ronnie Brown is not.

I think we all know that fantasy football is not Nate's forte, but good God. And now he has to cut Jeff Reed too.

By the way, my prediction for this game was 101-65.


FIREROCK ROCKERS 101.84 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 80.52
I really like TK, so I hope he's happy this week, but this win really takes a lot of fun out of the league. The oh-fer watch coming down the stretch would've been invigorating.

This was a tight game, decided on Monday night by the defenses. And frankly, the Washington defense only getting a -3 seems like kind of a ripoff. You give up an historically huge day, you should get at least -10.

If Skip Henry hadn't turned off the TV in disgust by halftime of the Sunday night game, he probably put his foot through it watching Mike Wallace score TDs that were meaningless in real life and killing him in fantasy. Or when Rashard Mendenhall put up a quarter of the points Peyton Hillis did against the same Pats defense. Fortunately, the broken TV kept Henry away from Sarah Palin's Alaska on TLC, which would've given him a real heart attack.

(Political side note - The fact that this aggressively dumb, proudly ignorant, wildly egomanical cunt is actually a part of our national political conversation is why we are now ignored at G20 meetings when we make suggestions. We are seen as epically dumb, and this jingoistic know-nothing now has the highest-rated TLC in history at the same time Justin Bieber is selling out arenas. Fuck, at least the fall of the Roman Empire had cool shit, like Vikings. Our modern Vikings are PR reps.)

Hopefully that cheered Henry up, moving on.


ATLAS SHRUGGZ 99.88 - HAWKS 95.90
The Shruggz. Forgot. To pick up. A defense.

BUT!

The Hawks had the Arizona, which posted a ripe 0. It's even!

The Colts defense, left on the waiver wire against a brutally bad Cincy offense, had 20 points.

Cutler, Lloyd and Fred Jackson were the keys to victory for the Shruggz. You read that right.

If I keep writing single sentence paragraphs, I might land a sportswriter gig at a big newspaper.


ST. A'S CRUSADERS 111.98 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 96.98
The Crusaders roared back into the win column in a major way, riding Roethlisberger's garbage time (22 game minutes' worth) to a comeback victory. How running back Jamaal Charles managed 18 points when his team was down 35-10 at halftime is beyond me. Oh, he had 80 receiving yards. There you go. I thought maybe Todd Haley decided a blowout was finally the time to start running Charles more, which is possible, because Todd Haley is a dumb guy who thinks he's smart and is also a prick about it.

For the Pounders, Donald Brown was benched after a fumble, Troy Smith threw for 360 yards while somehow ignoring Vernon Davis the whole game and Matt "5 or 25" Forte had under 8 points in a blowout win.


PURPLE SWIRLS 109.82 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 91.10
When you look at the Week 11 schedule and assume Buffalo/Cincinnati will be a boring 14-13 "battle," think of this game. Sometimes when bad teams get together, they throw caution to the wind.

Despite the empty TE slot and the 3 points from Reggie Wayne and the 2 from Baltimore, the All Stars had a 45-point lead during the Monday evening rush hour. And then Michael Vick electrocuted and drowned them like a dog.

A 0 from Ward, -1 from the Steeler defense, 2 from Thomas Jones and a forgettable Mike Goodson television production...none of it mattered. Vick couldn't be stopped with handcuffs.

Speaking of which, pundits love saying America is the land of second chances, but that really only applies to the rich, right? I haven't heard shit from Joseph Hazelwood in like two decades.

By the way, my prediction for this game was 88-60.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

WVFL Week 10 Preview

LAST WEEK: 2-4
SEASON: 35-19

With the combination of family being in town, horrible picks last week and having run out of funny observations in Week 6 (of 2008), this is going to be a quick hitter. As unfunny as Chris Berman's two-minute drill and thrice as annoying.

THE NEV-R-WINS (7-2) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-6)
NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE DEATHFROMABOVE! If Johnny "Fort" Knox, Dwayne Bowe "Knows" and Santana "A Rolling Stone Gathers No" Moss can produce at all, The Nev-R-Wins will fire flaming arrows right through those wagon tarps.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 91 - DEATHFROMABOVE 70


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (4-5) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (7-2)
These two teams inadvertantly entered some sort of "no defense" gentlemen's agreement. You've heard of the No-Name Defense, this is the No-Play Defense! Nick's Buoniconti's son, what an inspiration.

Roddy White "House" has already posted 25 points, but DeSean "Action" Jackson will be ready to match that Monday night.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 101 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 65


BROOKLINE'S FINEST (5-4) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-9)
Patrick Henry said "Give me liberty or give me death." Brookline GM Scott Henry said "Give me a baseball team or give Bob Nuttig death." Rashard "By" Mendenhall has a chance to be the best Steeler running back since Barry "Bananas" Foster. Boom. Buff. Pfgh.

(Side note: Is Firerock the first 0-9 team in history projected to post 105 points in a week?)

Old Rasputin himself, Wayne Fontes, says take the Rockers. All they wanna do is rock!

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 91 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 88


HAWKS (6-3) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-6)
These two teams have a palindrome of records! With no defense started and Michael "Ike" Turner only posting 3 points, it'll be up to Hakeem "Stevie" Nicks to keep this team thinking about tomorrow. Rhiannon!

THE PICK: HAWKS 78 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 75


IRON CITY POUNDERS (6-3) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (6-3)
The Pounders think they should've started Matt Ryan and his 25 points, but you can't blame a coach for benching a QB against Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and the Baltimore defense. And with Carson Palmer under center, it's hard to go wrong.

(NOTE: That is what Berman would actually say because he's an idiot and always behind the curve. Fact is, Baltimore's defense is entirely average now. And Carson Palmer couldn't post 25 points in 2 games.)

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 97 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 91


PURPLE SWIRLS (5-4) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-7)
The Thursday game tripped up yet another owner, as the All Stars have no TE. But Joe "We're Taking Heavy" Flacco put up 21 points.

The Swirls are hoping for another hit Mike Goodson television production.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 88 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 60

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

WVFL Week 9 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 122.96 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 86.82
Back to the top of the mountain. It just feels right up here. Feels natural.

And if'there's even been a guy set up to finish the season 10-3 and lose in the playoffs, it's me. Oh, how happy they'll all be.

Arian Foster and Peterson basically won this game on their own, and Foster was robbed of another touchdown by a bad call on a reception. It was certainly a tragedy, but the team just forged ahead. Picking up Shiancoe because Favre had nobody else to throw to? How do I manage these things? Wanna kiss myself!

Remember when Steve Smith was very valuable in fantasy football? Well, when he has three quarterbacks throwing to him IN THE SAME GAME and the best of those QBs is Matt Moore...well, he's not so valuable.

An AFC scout said Shonn Greene looks overweight this year, and the report mention that he got up to 300 pounds at one point in college? Though, to be fair, they put cheese on everything in Iowa.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 77.66 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 70.16
How bad are things for the Rockers? The Elbow started a kicker who had a bye, Collie had -0.1, Forsett had 0.4 and they still won.

The three best Rockers this - and every other - week are Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mike Wallace and Steve Johnson. It looks even funnier in print.


BROOKLINE'S FINEST 104.20 - DEATHFROMABOVE 91.02
I believe I just said that Brookline was a sneakily good team, ready to make a playoff run. Sure, they started Marcel Reece this past week and 90% of people couldn't name what position, team or sport he's with.

Deathfromabove had the joy of watching Peyton Hillis shred the Patriot defense Sunday, followd by the abject misery of watching Palmer throw to Owens instead of Ocho over and over Monday night.


HAWKS 94.40 -ST. A'S CRUSADERS 74.32
It happens to the best of us, but the Crusaders' streak of 6 games with 100+ points came to a screeching halt. Clearly, my dominant victory in Week 8 ruined their confidence. David Akers scored more points for the Hawks than every Crusader except Ray Rice. And the Jets completely took Calvin out of the game.

Ryan Mathews continues to bust it up in bust-like fashion. His season is so odd that I was watching this game, saw him walk off the field with a large air cast on his elbow and then read later that he had an ankle injury.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 79.20 - PURPLE SWIRLS 68.52
Time for Caulen to update his slogan to .500 or above for at least 1 more week...

I didn't think Miles Austin would be as good this year, but I certainly didn't envision this. That said, the Cowboys can't lose enough games this season. It's just so enjoyable. And watching Chiefs-Raiders Short Cuts last night, Thomas Jones was lucky to get those 3.2 points. The holes on closing on him in a hurry.

The Texans lost when Andre Johnson reached for a low pass, caught it, then knocked the ball out of his hands with his own knee and it was intercepted. The Pounders, however, did not also lose on that play.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 115.96 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 74.64
At least half of Rodgers' 28 points were completely unnecessary, both to the Packers and the WBG. Throw in 28 points from the Green Bay defense and the total Cowboy meltdown and that must have been some enjoyable Sunday Night Football in the Schacht household. Beanie Wells' -0.2 really stands out on this team.

Even Brandon Jackson joined in the Packer fun - for the first time all year - but it wasn't nearly enough. I'm starting to think the All Stars are a pretty bad team.


Friday, November 5, 2010

WVFL Week 9 Preview

LAST WEEK: 3-3
SEASON: 33-15

My biggest rush job of the season coincided with my worst picks week of the season. Obviously, I need to make these much longer and more self involved. Speaking of self involved, I have involved myself in a decent bit of pinot noir this evening, so the over/under on typos is 11.5.


THE NEV-R-WINS (6-2) at ATLAS SHRUGGZ (3-5)
I didn't want to bring this up Monday night because it would've seemed tacky in the wacky of my narrow win, but Gary Kubiak is a terrible coach. It's no coincidence that this is the third year everybody thought the Texans would be good and they still struggle to win big games. Arian Foster ran for 250 yards against Indy in Week 1. This past Monday, he averaged about 7 yards a carry for his first 9 totes while Matt Schaub, who is secretly awful in big games, was throwing behind and below his receivers on every pass. Plus, it's not exactly revolutionary that ball control and keeping Peyton on the sidelines is a good strategy. So what happens? Kubiak gives Foster the ball 15 times, Schaub goes something like 2 of 11 on third down and the Texans get killed.

Gary Kubiak, fuck you, you're terrible.

None of that is going to matter this week, though. Peterson and Foster will be huge, Shiancoe is the only target left in Minnesota, Jennings is the only good one left in Green Bay and Nnamdi is out so Bowe can run free.

THE PICK: THE NEV-R-WINS 120 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 85


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW (3-5) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (0-8)
Nate pulled a Bettman this week, screwing up the waiver wire priority and robbing the Rockers of...well, I actually have no idea who they wanted. But I admire TK's enthusiasm for still caring. If I was 0-8, I would've traded my two best players for a bag of dicks by now in an attempt to screw up the whole league.

Which means the best revenge, served ice cold, will come this week when TK gets his first win of the season against the very man...nay! Son!...who boned him out of whichever free agent it might have been. Touchdowns from both Wallace and Miller Monday night will put the Rockers on top.

THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 84 - THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 81


BROOKLINE'S FINEST (4-4) at DEATHFROMABOVE (3-5)
People, the time has come when Peyton Hillis is predicted to score 16 points. That's 4 more than Yahoo! is expecting for Spinmaster Flash himself, Rashard Mendenhall. Speaking of which, between Owens, Spindenhall, Nugent and Ocho, this is going to be one interesting matchup in prime time.

Seriously though, what is with Mendenhall and the spins? Him spinning is more predictable the John Boehner saying that tax cuts will create. The main difference is, the spins occasionally do work.

THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 88 - BROOKLINE'S FINEST 77


HAWKS (5-3) at ST. A'S CRUSADERS (6-2)
The Hawks are going to test out the Team Running Game theory that's catching on in fantasy circles. By starting both Mathews and Sproles, the Hawks will get all Charger running yards. Except the ones that Jacob Hester gets. This idea could revolutionize fantasy football, but not in this game since San Diego will throw about 45 times against a terrible Houston secondary.

If the Crusaders weren't 6-2 and outscoring the entire league by 50 points, they might've garnered more sympathy for this week's loss. But considering that they're about to score another 120, screw them.

THE PICK: ST. A'S CRUSADERS 120 - HAWKS 94


IRON CITY POUNDERS (5-3) at PURPLE SWIRLS (5-3)
There's going to be a week where the Swirls finally score 110 and lose, but it won't be this week. No, this will be another week where the Swirls post the 5th-highest score and still win. The Pounder need to take a tight end off the scrap heap because Davis is on a bye, Bush is the clear backup and Martz gets a rash whenever he calls a handoff to Forte.

Speaking of Davis on a bye, can we please end any and all talk of putting an NFL team in London, Gooddell. A, the league has blackouts in San Diego and Jacksonville. How is a 3-8 London team going to draw in the middle of the Premier League season? B, both teams in the London game have received a bye the next week because of the crazy travel. The first time Arizona plays in London in Week 4 and then loses at home in Week 5 by 30, people will go insane. C, you can't even figure out the goddamn tackling rules. Don't worry about a 33rd franchise just yet.

THE PICK: PURPLE SWIRLS 84 - IRON CITY POUNDERS 77


WHIZ-BANG GANG (6-2) at LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (2-6)
Larry and family are in Orlando this weekend, so if any late injury scratches come in Sunday morning, you can forget about a seeing a sub. Then again, hurt or healthy, Beanie Wells will score around 0.

For every Rodgers touchdown pass for the WBG, Crosby kicks a PAT for the All Stars, so this game won't be entirely ridiculous. Just mostly ridiculous.

THE PICK: WHIZ-BANG GANG 95 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 80

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

WVFL Week 8 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 117.60 - ST. A'S CRUSADERS 117.50
In the closest game in league history, there are probably 25 plays that could've gone a different way and changed this outcome, but here are my two favorites:

- Jacoby Jones catches a pass, gets hit, fumbles and Foster catches the fumble, picking up 2 yards and 0.2 points.
- A wide open Mike Williams gets hit in the chest with a 10-yard slant at the Raider 1-yard line and drops the ball.

This game also featured a missed PAT from Matt Prater and two defensive touchdowns from the spot start Buccaneers. And each Calvin Johnson touchdown took points off the board for the Redskin defense.


THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW 75.62 - DEATHFROMABOVE 56.76
DFA scored 135 points three weeks ago and 125 in the two games since. Marshawn Lynch and Seattle combined for 1.7 points in that shellacking (shellaqueing for our Canadian friends) and Jon Kitna was actual the highest-scoring DFAer.

Hightower has lost his job, Kitna refuses to throw to Roy Williams for literally God knows what reason. The Elbow should relish winning even though they scored 40 fewer points than the Crusaders. Now the Republicans have won back the House, the little guys like him are going to be completely ignored.


BROOKLINE'S FINEST 102.94 - ATLAS SHRUGGZ 71.40
No Hakeem Nicks, no win. Brandon Lloyd accounted for 38% of the Shruggz output this week and was the only guy into double digits. Probably didn't help that every single one of his position players was on a losing team this week.

Brookline is secretly and quietly good. They can post 100 here and there and have the points to win a lot of playoff tiebreakers right now. The only major problem they're looking at is how epically bad Matt Schaub is in important games, and he'll be playing a lot of important games down the stretch as the Texans fight for a wild card.


HAWKS 94.80 - PURPLE SWIRLS 82.20
The undressing of the Swirls continues.

Did I predict that Mike Sims-Walker would have a good game this week? I hope I did. I meant to, since the Cowboys defense is so completely awful. Lemme see...no, I just made fun of Danny Woodhead in that preview. Ah well.


IRON CITY POUNDERS 76.64 - LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 49.32
A fantasy football team scoring 49 points should be on one of those Your Birth Year birthday cards that show how cheap things used to be. In your birth year, 1951, milk was 5 cents a keg, a 1500 square foot house cost $9,000 and fantasy football teams averaged 49 points a week. Oh, how times have changed!

And now Randy Moss has been cut.

Larry Fitzgerald actually returned for a game, mainly because Derek Anderson was put back in and just started flinging it. For an offensive guru, Whisenhunt sure is late to realize how useless Max Hall is.


WHIZ-BANG GANG 85.70 - FIREROCK ROCKERS 61.32
All you can do is beat who you play...is what the WBG keeps repeating after moving to 6-2 with a thoroughly mediocre game. Ah, I'm sure Ronnie Brown will become good when the playoffs start.

TK yelled at Nate to reset the waiver wire today. Although I have no idea who he's in a rush to claim or why, I admire his enthusiasm.