Tuesday, September 13, 2011

WVFL Week 1 Review

THE NEV-R-WINS 120.88 – IRON CITY POUNDERS 102.56

I don’t like his hair, I don’t like his team, I don’t like that he endorses UGG boots in an ug-bearable TV ad, but I do like how Tom Brady can put up 511 yards and 40 fantasy points. I like that quite a bit, in fact.

It looked like early on that Brady was going to feed Gronkowski so much that I wouldn't be able to catch up to the Pounders, but after I went on Yahoo and told Brady to stop throwing to Gronk, he did and I passed the Pounders on Welker’s 99-yard TD reception. Great job of coaching by me right there.

The Pounders can rest easy knowing that starting the wrong Ryan at QB (Matt over Fitzpatrick) didn’t end up costing them a win, but a combined 6 points from Fitzgerald and Lee Evans during two offensive explosions probably doesn’t inspire the warm and fuzzies.

THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 107.76 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS 79.76

GM Nathan Kress was so incensed by this space’s panning of his team in Friday’s preview that he transcribed the entire preview on the team’s chalkboard in a frantic scrawl that resembled the writing on Kevin Spacey’s bedroom in Seven. But he didn’t stop there. He also wrote it down on paper and taped that paper inside each of his players’ facemasks.

Normally, this would hurt a team’s performance, but the Elbow was playing the All Stars, so no concerns there. The dynamic duo of Benson and Hightower, aka Thud and Dud, combined for 30+ points, and Janikowski’s 63-yard field goal provided as many points as a touchdown would. The only drawback was a 0 from Austin Collie, probably the first of many.

Jeff Webster has a full, rich and fulfilling life and gives back to the community. So this trivial little hobby of ours doesn’t upset him all that much.

DEATHFROMABOVE 113.78 – HAWKS 109.20

It’s hard to decide what was more painful for the Hawks this week, having the 5th-most points and losing, or losing by 4.58 points while getting a -3 from the vaunted Steelers defense. Though we can’t rule out watching Wes Welker run in a 99-yard TD reception, a 16-point play. That play alone was worth 5 times what Vincent Jackson provided DFA with.

Chris Johnson, nothing. Peyton Hillis, nothing. Jermichael Finley, nothing. Nate Kaeding, blown ACL on the first kickoff of the season. None of that mattered after Welker finished off that stiff arm at the 30.

FIREROCK ROCKERS 98.92 – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 80.26

Although they were the only winner to stay under 100 points (reflective of America’s new austerity!), the Rockers might have been the most consistent throughout the lineup. His 5 keepers combined for 64 points, perhaps grateful to have steady employment in such a rocky economy.

Matt Cassel and the Chiefs were abysmal this week. Cassel provided nothing to the Shruggz, and the bloodthirsty audience at last night’s Tea Party favors letting him die over starting him again this week, true to this team’s Randian principles. At least the Shruggz can start Matt Stafford for the next two weeks before he himself needs some Obamacare.

ST. A’S CRUSADERS 114.40 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 66

The fact that Ben had even 9 points qualifies as some kind of miracle. Incredibly, he was only 1.7 points behind Matt Schaub, and the Texans won 34-7. Ahh, the vagaries of fantasy football. The rest of the Crusaders performed as expected, and the rest of BMF performed as expected as well, thus the result was as expected.

Credit does have to go to Scott Henry, though. Not just for his unchecked credulousness in May when he thought the Pirates might actually make the playoffs, but for loving that team so much that he built his fantasy team just like them – holes at every position.

PURPLE SWIRLS 168.28 – WHIZ-BANG GANG 71.48

I need to choose my words carefully here, as Caulen seems intent on turning him and me into the Baltimore/Pittsburgh of the WVFL. Me, I’m just here to have fun and share a few laughs with friends. But he seems hellbent on tearing others down with his words so he can feel better about himself. I don’t understand people like that.

How insane was Caulen’s week? Beanie Wells had 16 points. Steve Smith, late round draft pick, had 34 points with a rookie QB making his first start. (Note: Newton’s 42% completion rating in the preseason means start your receivers against the Cardinals) He left 34 points from Drew Brees and 27 from Mike Tolbert on the bench, and that was a source of humor for him. Miles Austin caught a touchdown that was intercepted first. Reggie Bush had 15 points in a game that everybody agrees was a disappointing debut. Adam Vinatieri had only 1 point and still won the K position battle. (Mainly because David Buehler is no longer the Cowboys’ kicker, even though he is the WBG kicker)

I can only say this to the league: Do not trade for Vick or Brees. Do not help Caulen out. It isn’t worth it.

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