LAST WEEK: 4-2
Somehow in a Week 1 filled with aerial acrobatics, strained muscles and enormous American flags, there was no real waiver wire hero that everybody was jostling for. After like eight years and one blown 2011 draft, Nate FINALLY adjusts the waiver wire order properly and nobody even cares.
Why does he even try, people?!
THE NEV-R-WINS (1-0) at FIREROCK ROCKERS (1-0)
I’m playing in a golf tournament Sunday because I’m white as hell, which means I’m going to spend the first few holes constantly fiddling with my phone, trying to use the Yahoo Football ’11 App for injury updates and roster moves. Is Arian Foster playing? Yes, maybe. What about Santonio Holmes? Check back later. This will not be relaxing.
Anyway, Sims-Walker will be good against a depleted Giants defense, and Brady will continue going off every week. Mike Wallace will post over 100 yards on Seattle, but MJD is going nowhere against the Jets, and the Rams’ front four might concuss Eli. I might recommend starting Bradford against that injury-plagued Giants defense I referenced earlier.
Then again, I am the Rockers’ opponent this week, so maybe I’m just trying to sow discontent and confusion amongst that team. Who can say, really? I would totally start Jacobs over Fred Jackson, though. Or would I?
THE PICK: FIREROCK ROCKERS 99 (GOING 2-0!) – THE NEV-R-WINS 90
THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW (1-0) at HAWKS (0-1)
The Kress family is currently a combined 3-0, the happiest moment for the family since the first grandchild was born. And, believe it or not, Nate should keep the dream alive thanks to Benson and Hightower. Rick Perry says he decided to stay a farmer one year because it rained 30 inches after a drought, and he considered that to be a sign from God. Nate going 2-0 thanks to Benson and Hightower is a sign from God that we’re all going to die before Week 3.
By the way, if that’s how Rick Perry makes his decisions, the previous number tree on roulette tables must’ve sucked a million dollars out of him by now.
Steven Jackson is out this week, which puts some generic backup in the lineup for the Hawks. Plus, Dez Bryant is going to be limited, which seems to be a recurring theme, despite Al Michaels’ best attempt to brand him the #1 receiver in the league following one catch last Sunday night.
THE PICK: THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW 101 (GOING 2-0!) – HAWKS 82
LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS (0-1) at ST. A’S CRUSADERS (1-0)
Well, Yahoo predicts the score of this one to be 114-79, so you tell me how close it’s going to be. As a responsible league, we should start interview replacement owners for Jeff Webster now, because I don’t know how much more of this he’s willing to take.
This one is going to be insane for the Crusaders, even with Jamaal Charles and Todd Haley continuing to drive people insane.
THE PICK: ST. A’S CRUSADERS 202 – LOWCOUNTRY ALL STARS – 02
IRON CITY POUNDERS (0-1) at WHIZ-BANG GANG (0-1)
Speaking of Todd Haley, according to Jason Whitlock this week, Haley decided to use the preseason as a conditioning program to make up for the shortened camp. Scott Pioli didn’t like that so much, so Haley overreacted and played his starters deep into the second half of preseason game 4, which is when star tight end Tony Moeaki got injured. Haley also yelled at John Harbaugh for running up the score after a preseason game in which the Ravens scored two TDs in the last 3 minutes, even though the entire point of preseason is to find out who should make the team. Todd Haley is quietly one of the dumbest coaches in the league.
So that Dwayne Bowe pick isn’t looking too awesome right now. Rodgers will naturally carve up Carolina, and Carnell should provide some points until his knee explodes for the fifth time, but other than that, it’s pretty thin for the WBG.
Of course, it’s also thin for the Pounders. But they have 2 good players to the Gang’s 1, so give them the edge.
THE PICK: IRON CITY POUNDERS 87 – WHIZ BANG GANG 71
DEATHFROMABOVE (1-0) at BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT (0-1)
The oldest kid has started kindergarten, so I’m getting up a 6:30am now, and when I try to write this at 4:30pm, I can’t even pretend to care about this game, even after some coffee.
THE PICK: DEATHFROMABOVE 105 – BROOKLINE MCKENRY FORT 78
ATLAS SHRUGGZ (0-1) at PURPLE SWIRLS (1-0)
And on top of that, I didn’t even do a real season preview. I’m really bringing the weak lately. So how about this? Since the team that wins the biggest blowout of the week gets rewarded by appearing in a Toyota ad, whoever loses the biggest blowout of the week gets to write the Week 3 preview. A free chance to unload your frustrations! (And if that person doesn’t want to do it, I’ll just do it in their voice…assuming I know anything about them.)
THE PICK – PURPLE SWIRLS 1,130 (KRESS FAMILY GOING 6-0!) – ATLAS SHRUGGZ 88